The One-liner That Saved the Day!

Live out of your inheritance and not your circumstance.

I heard this little 'one liner' over the weekend at a Women's Conference.  Out of all that was spoken, this is what grabbed my heart; this little nugget is what I brought home. Honestly, my soul was bone dry going into the conference.  I felt tired in every way.  Crazy enough, I felt almost the same way coming home.  I was SO glad I went, but I didn't get that "AHA" moment that I love.  You know, that 'thing' that happens when you feel recharged, renewed and ready to face life different.  I just came home with that one little line. It didn't really inspire me or motivate me and truthfully,  I was just too tired to let it challenge me. But I thought about it...a lot!

The last few years of our lives have seemed to be a challenge ~ just lots of big stuff going on.  And the last two and half years it seems we have been in fight mode. After being diagnosed with leukemia in July of 2013 and going into a bone marrow transplant that same October, "normal" for us was gone.  Our lives were completely changed within just minutes...long enough for the doctor to give the diagnosis.  Our day to day lives were completely changed and turned up side down.

Over the two and half years, I have missed 'normal' and sometimes literally grieved for it.  But to be honest, I am not sure how to define it anymore.  It seems like I have been trying to move forward from day to day, then week to week  and then month to month since diagnosis (not to mention what my husband Jack has been through).  Every part of transplant has been LONG ~ the recovery, the treatments, the doctor visits, and the bumps in the road that come from transplant.  It's like I keep waiting for normal to show up and just never does in my mind.

And now coming up on my 2 year mark, I feel unsettled.  It's like I am still throwing punches and at what? I am not sure! I can't really explain it, but I just feel unsettled.  My doctor has told me more than once that I will have to find a 'new normal'; to redefine what that means to me because after transplant you  really just aren't the same person.  Well, that's just lovely!

And I have moments where I get mad sometimes that cancer ever ripped through our lives. It seems to have left a wake with ripples that we are still seeing and feeling.  I see good from all of it, but I have days where I just get ticked off! And that's where my little 'one liner' has finally meant something; a reminder to live out of my inheritance and not my circumstances! Because there are a few things I can blame for this unsettled feeling.  There are a few things I can say, "When this is over then I will feel better"". But if I have learned anything over the last couple of years, I have learned that God can give peace in the middle of flat out scary!

So what is my inheritance?
Open, heart felt conversation with my Savior. And not just the pretty ones.  I am talking about the real ones...the ones that include a few fist shakes and the ugly cry!  Conversations with Him that allow me to bare my soul to my Healer~ to the Lover of my soul.  The One that can mend my broken heart and bind up my wounds.

My inheritance is peace that obviously, the world is  incapable of giving.  A peace that allows rest~ deep down, soul satisfying rest.  And joy! Let's not forget joy; that deep down knowing that we are His and He is ours and that His promises towards us are Yes and Amen!

I love Psalm 51:6~ .Surely you desire truth in my innermost being; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

God desires His truth, His Word to be down in the core of who we are, in the deepest places of our hearts and minds.  He desires His Truth to be real to us! So today I am going to live out of my inheritance, and the list of all that means for us is truly too long to write here.  But what that means for me today, what grabs my heart, is that I get to live out of relationship with Him.  That is everything~ every thing, every word, every aspect of our faith is hinged on this one thing...relationship with Him!

Only He can settle my soul.
Only He can give me grace.
Only He can move mountains.
Only He can restore my soul.

All that I am longing for~ love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control, can only be found in Him.  Sure, you might be thinking of a few exceptions right now.  Thinking no, a girl's night out or coffee with a friend is what I need. Or maybe getting it all together and starting with a clean slate. You know, "Let me get organized around the house, start eating clean again, or exercising again and then the "unsettled" feeling might go away".  No~ that's living out of your circumstances.  And all of those things truly are needed, but they are not the source!

The fruits of God can only come from Christ in us.  And let me tell you, we must be intentional about guarding our time with Him. We have to be intentional with our faith in Christ.  We have to do it on purpose because there will rarely be a good time for Christ...for time in the Word, for that time to love on Him with worship, thanks, and song, that time to learn of Him.  Why?  Because He is not tangible to us.  He doesn't seem urgent.  When we look around we don't physically see Him.  Instead we see people, stuff, things to do.  During times of stress and busy, Christ is the first to go and shame on us!! Because our enemy is relentless and God's love and faithfulness is SO unending. (I may be speaking out of experience here...wink, wink!)

But today I don't have to go at the world or the enemy in an all out fight mode. I feel too tired.  No, I can fight the enemy from a place of peace~ a place where I can think clearly.  A place where I can make better decisions because I am not living out of my circumstances, with my emotions every which way but up.  And that place is what I mentioned earlier~ a soul baring conversation with my Savior.

Show the wonder of  your great love, you who save by your right hand those who take refuge in you from their foes.  Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings.... Psalm 17:7-8

There is nothing more powerful than the Word of God to fight, to rest, to pray, to hope. His Word is where we learn His great love for us...His heart towards us!  So as author Priscilla Shrirer says, it's time to take off the gloves and put on the armor of God! Take off the gloves and stop throwing punches in the air, wearing yourself out with tactics and strategies of the world.  It's exhausting! Stand in peace that you are a daughter of the King...not an outsider. You have an inheritance that is marked out for you all throughout the Word of God!! And it begins with that open conversation with your Savior.  Let it rip! Let the tears fall and the snot fly! Bare it all to the Lover of your soul because He loves you! He longs for you! You matter to Him...you are His heart and His creation!

You are more to me than just my Savior.  You are my Prince of peace, my Blessed Savior.  Jesus, in all that I go through, all I need is You.
~Venus Laney

Ummm, where are the fireworks?

Let's be honest. It sure is nice when our efforts get noticed. And there is not a thing wrong with that. We should encourage one another.  We should appreciate others and for goodness sake, let someone know when they have done a job well done.  It can stir the flames in their hearts and push them to go further!  But all of the words of man cannot be the determining factor in our choices and we cannot let popularity call the shots on success or failure.

In 1 Thessalonians 2, I am learning of an amazing faith that leads to obedience without the fan fare.  You can find this faith in the heart and lives of Paul and Silas.  These two missionaries were visiting a young church that was planted in Thessalonica.  But they were not received with open arms.  In their service to God and love for His truth, they were beaten.  And by beaten, I mean flogged.  It makes my belly hurt just thinking of the meaning of that, and afterwards they were imprisoned.  Yet as they write to the Thessalonians they make this bold statement, "You know brothers, that our visit to you was not a failure" (1 Thessalonians 2:1)

Excuse me?  You were flogged and imprisoned. 

What made them say that?  How in the world did they get back up and do it again?  Where was their fear of failure?  Or the harder question, where was their fear of man?

I almost hate to say this, but at the same time it feels so good to be able to say this in past tense... I used to need people's approval.  There I said it.  Oh, I fight the urge to return to it.  But the freedom feels so good that it truly keeps me from going back.  I have stepped out so many times in obedience expecting fireworks; expecting something "big" only to feel like, "What just happened?".  I would do things that I was sure of in my heart, but there wasn't a big crowd and obviously, my name never ended up in lights.  Many things went unnoticed and to be honest, that left me feeling like it wasn't a success.  Maybe I had misunderstood what I thought because not a lot of people liked it or said anything.  Nope....my eyes were just on the wrong thing.

Jesus said that He is the Good Shepherd and would leave the 99 to go find the 1 that was lost.  Did you catch that?  He would do it all to save ONE...just ONE.  But what if that ONE was you, me or your son, daughter, mom, dad or anyone that you love and pray for?  It doesn't seem so small then does it? Jesus would do it for ONE and so should we.

In Romans 1:5 Paul speaks of this same faith I see in Thessalonians.  Paul says, "Through him and for his name's sake, we received grace and apostleship to call people from among all the Gentiles to the OBEDIENCE THAT COMES FROM FAITH".   More times than not, we will be called to obey just because we believe. We believe in Christ. We believe in His Word. I love what Beth Moore says of Paul and Silas..."The gospel of God had the incomparable power to change lives, destinies, and destinations. They didn't just think it; they knew it". This is what kept them going. This is what gave them the boldness to say their mission trip was NOT a failure...they obeyed God and were committed to Him and His works~ not just their own. They had that much faith in their God. Oh, I so want this to be me, too!

And as much as Paul LOVED the new Christians in Thessalonian (remember, he truly suffered for them  that they would hear the gospel and stay the faith), he made it very clear that he was not trying to win them over. He says quite boldly, "We were not looking for praise from men, not from you or anyone else".  (1 Thessalonians 2:6)  Ouch! If his hope and expectations were praise from men, then his trip was EPIC fail!!  But because Paul was after the heart of God, he knew that any act of obedience would have eternal significance.  If not for others, then for himself. He says basically the same thing in both Romans and Thessalonians: God has entrusted me with His Word and given me grace to do it and it's for HIS glory that I live and do.

The lives of Paul and Silas have given me courage and purpose once again to have an audience of One.  Just like this blog. I truly was so nervous to do what God put in my heart, which was to write with purpose and intention.  I had been writing a blog every now and then, but I knew in my heart God wanted me to be more intentional with it. I was just out of my bone marrow transplant and was thinking the timing was a little off. I was thinking, "Ok, bring on the chemo, but ask me to create a blog? Really? I may need a brown paper bag for this because that would be scary!".  But I did it. And guess what happened?!  Nothing. So it seemed. At first I was a little disappointed for lack of fireworks that I expected after truly investing; after truly obeying even through fear. I thought after all the doubts and fear I overcame to say Yes, would surely produce something "wow".  But after several weeks, my blog was being read around the world.  Is it famous? Nope.  Does it get thousands of hits and reads? Not yet. But what if it's for just ONE? Just one in the US, Germany, Russia, Japan, India, Switzerland, Romania, Ukraine, or Vietnam? Like Paul, our obedience never ends in failure.  We never know seeds that are planted. We never know the eternal impact our choices can make.

As believers in Christ, we have been entrusted with the gospel.  But have you stepped out and not gotten the results you expected? Have you stepped out and assumed because of lack of participation or praise, you failed or "missed it"? What "little" thing are you not doing because you feel it's not really that big of a deal? There is nothing more that Satan would love than to have us quit.  Nothing could please him more or serve his purpose better than to have Christians to think they have failed.  I will leave you with the words of Beth Moore to hopefully spark some courage in YOU:

We can't let Satan shut us in or he wins the battle.  He is trying to make wound-lickers out of warriors. When God opens the door again, let's stand back up, brush ourselves off and step through it.

I am praying for you tonight. And me. I am praying that we will realize that we have been entrusted with the gospel.  I pray that we will not fall prey to the tricks of the enemy to have us brush off the call of God to share Him, even for "just ONE".  I pray that we would have hearts that seek God the way Paul did...that for His name's sake, we would call people to faith.  I pray that we will have a heart that longs to please God with or without fireworks here on earth, because our eternal rewards are far more valuable!

Facebook Momma and Cabin Fever

Sometimes I wonder what kind of mom, or to be honest what kind of person in general, I would be without Facebook.  I mean would I feel as guilty as I do sometimes?

Facebook is not the devil, but like everything it can go either way, depending on how we respond.  And I am the one with the issue...not Facebook or even the people that share and post on Facebook.  Its definitely me...not them. 

But do you ever scroll through Facebook and feel some discontentment down deep?  A perfect example, would be the last two weeks of snow days where I live.  I was good letting us all stay in our pajamas, sleeping, watching movies, eating and repeating.  It was kind of nice for all of us to be piled up on the couch while the kids watched a movie.  It gave me a little bit of uninterrupted reading time and I always love that! I was fine letting the kids just lounge and play while I got to read or whatever I wanted UNTIL....I scrolled through Facebook. 

Every other post was pictures of mommas and their babies doing something crafty, but the one that got me off the couch with some mommy guilt was the snow cream.  Now, do NOT feel bad if you posted about your yummy snow cream.  Remember, this is my issue not yours! (wink, wink)  So as I see the posts, I start feeling like maybe I am not giving my kids the proper childhood memories of gathering snow, mixing it and then eating it.  In my mind, if I made this snow cream, then as my kids got older they would remember this fun little memory with each snow fall.  So I peel myself off the couch.

I gather my kids that are already content playing Barbie dolls, ponies and Legos and tell them to get in the kitchen.  I start looking for how to make this stuff and every recipe that I found required condensed milk or milk and I didn't have either (and the moment is gone,  so no need to send the recipes that don't require either of those things).  With everyone having gone from content to bored as quick as it took me to yell, "Hey kids, do you all want to make something fun?", they were all waiting on something, well, fun.  And all I had for them was, "Do you all want to go get a snowball and eat it?".

Maybe I wish I were parenting in a different era.  Maybe I truly long for "simple".

When a fun picture from a friend stirs up discontent or even envy (gasp), then there is something going on with ME.  I am going to chalk some of this up to cabin fever. Okay, ALOT of this to cabin fever, but it still doesn't deal with the issue of how easily we can be persuaded into "more" and "not enough".  Like if a friend makes a post of going to a 'bouncy house' at the mall.   Well then, by golly we are loading up and going to the bouncy house! Or some friends get together and take their kids to the movies and share a post about how much fun they had and I am in a slight depression because all of the sudden I don't have any friends and my kids are deprived.

So how do we guard our hearts?  How do we satisfy our souls because social media is here to stay. This isn't a question just for me, but I think of my own kids and how to keep them satisfied down in their souls.  Because not getting enough "likes" can make us feel that what we have to say or what we have done just isn't worthy, important, funny, or awesome.

We have to find what is important to us and DO it.  We have to know what God is asking of us and our families, be involved in it and leave it at that.  When we are living and doing what we feel is important, we don't get so caught up in the other stuff.  Our souls are satisfied.  We don't feel the need to 'shop around' for things that can make us feel good.  We just have to humbly live out our values.  Because sometimes we can even become prideful and 'judgy' with our own simplicity. Example:  "Your kids watch TV?  Well, we don't have a TV because we don't want our kids brains to turn into mashed potatoes."  Well, lets just leave it at, "We just don't watch that much TV". 

With or without social media, I need to be a person that lives by my convictions.  I need to know what I value and live those values out and pass them onto my kids. That is the only way I will ever be a Facebook momma or a human being that can legitimately "like" a photo without rolling my eyes, scroll through posts and mostly enjoy it, and then just move on with my day.  If someone is out doing something awesome with their kids, then yay!  It doesn't mean that I am a 'bad' mom because we are all piled on the couch.  It just means we are having 'this' kind of day and they are having 'that' kind of day.  Soon enough, we will be out and doing, too.  Plus, I get to leave my kids with this awesome  legacy....just don't ever eat yellow snow cream.



 

Just One.More.Hoop.

"When the stakes are high, bow down low" ~Beth Moore

My religion has really been messed up.  God allowed some great big challenges in our lives that left us changed.  It wrecked us in a good way; a beautiful way.  What tried to kill us physically, saved our souls from some mass confusion.  But it has left us unsettled. A little nervous.  Discontent even knowing that there is more...different than what we have known.  I have thoughts of how did I miss this before and what in the hey am I suppose to do with all of this now?

I often forget that other people outside of my little circle of friends read this blog! (WHAT?!?!) So let me give you a quick little back story.  In July of 2013, I was diagnosed with AML and three months later had a bone marrow transplant.  It was overwhelming to say the least, but to this day remembering when I said bye to my babies can still bring tears to my eyes. Nothing about this journey has been fast or easy.  There are specific moments that are etched in my heart that I just don't forget.  Those memories don't make me sad....they make me grateful.  SO GRATEFUL.

I have kept journals for as long as I can remember.  And for as long as I can remember, I have truly longed to know God.  I mean really know God like I read of in the Bible.  The God that I have grown up hearing about. The God that I have given my soul to.  As I read through old journals, I pick up on the fact that most of my Christian walk has been a little frustrating.  I have gone through phases, as the church has.  And so much of the time, I grabbed one side of the story and took off running feeling like something just wasn't quite right.

I grew up under the hell-fire and brimstone phase.  This teaching left me feeling like I was never saved.  I lived in such fear that Jesus was going to appear in the middle of a bad thought and I would be left behind. Really.  I truly had very little peace as a young Christian. Instead of peace, I had anxiety with maybe a touch of depression and a huge dose of fear.  Doesn't sound like the grace I now know.  Is hell real? YES!  But so is grace and redemption.  So is the cross and the love of our Savior.  A God that longs to show compassion to us.  A God that gets the bad rap of striking us down with lightening and keeping His fingers crossed that we can make it to heaven, is the God that made the way for us to live eternally with Him.  He is WITH us...a very present help.

Then the name it and claim it phase.  OH MY WORD!! The stories I could tell  with this one!  Let me say straight up that I know that our words are powerful.  God says that we have the power of life and death in our mouth.  He tells us to call those things that are not, as though they are.  He says we will 'eat the fruit of our lips'.  (Are you still with me?)  I believe and am sold out to this power within us.  But wow, how quickly we can become greedy and selfish with this truth.  I am just not so convinced that this truth is for us to get more and better.  Not that God doesn't want us to have great things or that we should feel guilty for saving or buying or believing for "better" or "amazing"  things.  This is not meant to offend, but I just don't believe Christ died on the cross for us to only gain for ourselves.  I believe this power is within us for His Kingdom. For His heart's desires. And His plans.  How many of us have had true needs; real needs, and yet we sow seeds for a brand new car?  We walk around thanking God for our new car that we haven't gotten yet while our souls are exhausted and tangible needs have gone unmet. The cross is more...much more...than these things.  God says that what we see is temporary, but what is unseen is ETERNAL. And that is what I  believe the cross is about. Eternity. Our souls. Saving us from that "hell-fire and brimstone". 

With those two phases alone, you can see where my faith got a little messed up with some religion! But cancer wrecked  my religion; my confused belief system. My faith never wavered.  Oh, you bet I had some emotions.  I am human and so are you, but deep down I had peace.  I had hope.  I believed. I truly never asked "why me?" and I have never once thought that God "did this to me".  But when things were long and hard, when there were no quick fixes, I tried every religious 'trick' I had up my sleeve!  I was told at times to "hold on" then I was told to " let go".  I was told I "have not because I asked not". Then I was told "don't ask, just receive." Shew, that's enough to wear anybody out!  I wasn't resisting healing or taking the approach of whatever will be, will be.  On the contrary, I was desperate for it.  And I am sure there is someone out there that just read that statement and thought, "Well, that's the problem.  You wanted "it" more than Him".  I laid hands on myself, prophesied, and spoke His words.  And there were still days of nothing.  I went through my list of "sins" that maybe I needed to repent for and still nothing.  How many more hoops did this girl need to jump through?

Then came rest.  Rest in a God that was bigger than any religion.  A God that was not holding my miracle for when I got my grammar all right.  He knew my heart and He knows yours.  There were times that my prayers were truly me in a ball in the floor, grieving and desperate.  I call that my sacrifice of praise; it was prayer because it was me desperate for a God that I KNEW could heal.  Even rest felt awkward at times...I mean shouldn't I be up in arms through all of this?  Is rest giving up or giving in?  Not at all.  It's fighting from an angle different than the world.

  "Courage comes from a heart that is convinced that it is loved".  (Beth Moore)  And love is where I stopped jumping through hoops.  Knowing His love for me, gave me the courage to stop fighting in my own strength. It gave me to courage to believe that He is for me and not against me; He is a good God!  His love allowed me to rest in knowing that He is faithful to His words.  He never leaves me.  He works ALL things together for my good and sometimes "my good", means finding Him to be light in the darkness.  His love. It gave me the courage to get off the treadmill of thinking it was me...something I was or was not doing.  Something I did or did not do.  Without knowing His love and His word, some well meaning comments could have made me feel like I wasn't doing enough and that is was all my fault; it all depended on me. But I know that I live in a broken world.  I know that God says we WILL have trials.  He says it rains on the just and the unjust. So why believe?  Because our God is eternal.  He is the God of ALL hope.  My faith is in the Cross.  My faith is in a Savior that knows there is more to the here and now and orchestrates our lives for HIS glory and the salvation of our souls.  He longs for us to know Him and to make Him known.

We all try to put things in a box in the attempt for us to understand them. And I am no exception.  I have thought that had God healed me all at once with one prayer, I could be dangerous!  Boy, I would be throwing those hoops out left and right!  "Do this.  Don't do that.  Do it like this, not like that.  People, can't you all just believe?!"  But instead my light and momentary afflictions have created in me something far more valuable than this world has to offer....not just freedom here, but a soul that now craves to worship my God just because it's Him. Don't get me wrong.  I still get caught up in "stuff" and I don't pray or read the Bible every single day. But when I don't, I am so quick to feel it. To miss it. 

Our sweet little girl we sponsor in Africa wrote me this..."I am glad you are my sponsor.  I pray for you Shae".  A little girl with not much at all, a little girl that sleeps in a hut without a real floor prays for me.  She doesn't know about my issues or what I have or don't have.  She prays for my soul. My faith. It makes me want to be more like her.  She gets our Savior.  She doesn't cling to Him for more or better.  She clings to Him and believes in Him because she sees her eternal need for saving.

I wrote in my journal not so long ago, "God, why can't you just heal me?  All of me?"  And this is what I felt down deep in my soul....'Because I wanted to show you more of My heart.  I am more than just one thing.  I am not only Healer.  I am Peace.  I am Savior.  I am Redemption.  I am Friend.  I am Love'.  Through all of this, I have seen aspects of God that I just don't think I would have seen otherwise.  This cancer thing woke my soul up and crazy enough, brought peace out of mass confusion with all of the "rights' and the "wrongs" of faith.  It has left me with just knowing Him and that's enough. It has let me read His word and filter it through His love for me; for all of us.  I may not know much more about cancer or even Biblical theology and that's okay. It's kind of freeing.  Because after all of this, it feels good to just know Him with no strings attached.  Just Jesus.  Just love. No hoops.

I think what always intrigues me about scripture and what always keeps me wanting more, is that throughout the word, God is the Hero of the story.  He always came to the rescue.  Now my prayer has been answered.  I have experienced the God of the Bible.  He has come to my rescue in more ways than one.  Was His rescue in the form of instant healing?  No.  Was His rescue keeping me from something as yuck as cancer?  No.  His rescue was Peace.  It was grace felt not only way down deep in my soul, but also seeing it in my babies, my husband, my family and friends.  It was Hope.  It was Love. And yes, healing!  Some people can look at our battles over the last few years and see a family under attack.  I will not argue that, but I see more than that.  I see a family that used to be afraid of words that were thrown out in the Bible...words like fire, smoke, raging waters, and death (YIKES!)....finding courage in the God that says none of those things would consume us or overtake us.

I will leave you with words that David Crowder wrote. Words that just won't leave me alone and words that I pray will chase you down to and give you Hope and to know His great love for YOU.  Read this:

"Scripture is about innocence lost, it is about displacement, about things not being right and a search for belonging and home and forgiveness and reconciliation, the tension of death and life, what it means to be alive. The story is not about making bad people good, it is about making dead people alive.  The story sold is rarely that.  What if we really started believing?"

Words of Truth, Words to Rest in:

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" ~ Romans 15:13

"For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.  Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love."  ~ Lamentations 3:33

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer" ~ Romans 12:12

"Simon, Satan has asked to sift you like wheat.  BUT I have prayed for you, Simon that your faith may not fail.  And when you have turned back, strengthen your brother" ~ Luke 22::31-32 (Sounds a little like the prayer of a precious girl from Africa!)

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." ~ 2 Corinthians 4:17-18

Our God is " a God that gives endurance and encouragement" ~ Romans 15:5

He Comes to Our Rescue

I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. ~Psalms 27:13-14


I am still in awe at the goodness of God.  Still amazed at how He works in our lives.  To the world, it seems like our lives are left to chance, but to those that believe, we see Him in every detail.

For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God ~ 1 Corinthians 1:18

God is loving and compassionate to His children.  He longs to rise up and come to our rescue, but not always in the way we think or expect or hope. But He always comes.  He sees so much more than the
here and now. He sees the big picture. He sees eternity. He sees our hearts and our souls.

Over the last several months, I have been frustrated.  I have been tired.  I have asked God questions, trying to settle issues in my soul and in my mind.  I have asked God, "When will this season end? How much longer? When will you heal me completely? How are things going to work out or come together? Do you hear me? Do I need to pray different or fight this from a different angle than what I am doing now?"

But these questions did not come from a lack of faith.  Actually, they came from a heart that is fully convinced that God is real and His Word is true. I believe He only has to send His word, just speak it, and we are healed.  I believe in His miracles, signs, and wonders. I believe that nothing is too hard for Him; with Him nothing is impossible.  If I didn't truly believe this, I would not have asked Him those questions.  And because I have found His great big love for me, I can ask those questions without guilt or fear.

Too often, we think we have to "say it just right" when we talk to God.  We think maybe we are doing something wrong or not praying "right" when our prayers seem to go unanswered.  And there is definitely a time to check our hearts and repent and then there is a time to keep pressing on. And I was willing to jump through any hoop that God had to offer to see change in my situation, but that's just the thing....there are no hoops.  He gives directions and wisdom and His Word to follow and to speak. And yes we need to obey to stay under the shadow of His wings.  But there are no hidden agendas.  There are no tricks. God is about our hearts and His kingdom; not our grammar or even our comfort.

How do we trust in a God that sometimes seems so random, distant, or a God that seems to pick "favorites" at times?  And you know what I am talking about! I cannot say it enough, you have to learn His word. By doing that, you will begin to hear not only His voice but also His heart.  Through His Word we learn the truth that He is not random, distant, nor does He pick "favorites". We learn of redemption, forgiveness, acceptance, and unfailing love.  We learn of a powerful God that always wins.  He always has a plan and it's never about "us".  It's about our souls and those around us.  Through His Word, we learn to trust His heart and not the plan.  Truthfully, most of the time the plan, or how God brings things about, seems really botched up.  But when we know Him and His Word, we see His heart is always for us.

Over the last year, my family and I have experienced the love of God in powerful ways; ways that make it impossible to stay the same.  It has been healing and peace in the middle of yuck. It has been meals, phone calls, texts, cards, a cup of hot coffee brought to my door. It has been my babies taken care of when I go to the doctor and needs met and prayers answered in ways that have left us speechless.  All of that is experiencing God and His goodness and love!  To love in action is powerful.  It gives hope.  It reminds us that God has not forgotten us.

We have found so much beauty in the ashes. We have found more of Him and less of us.  We have gained confidence in His Word and confidence in His love.  We have seen the meaning of family and so grateful that our hearts have been full because of them.  We have found friends that have touched us in ways we will never be able to repay.  We have found that God provides in the least expected ways out of His glorious riches, not ours or the worlds.  We are gaining confidence that He is faithful.

So this is what I want to leave you with...keep following hard after God.  Don't give up on Him because He will NEVER give up on you.  Don't doubt His love for you by circumstances or situations.  Those are times to look for Him and you WILL find Him.  Get to know Him and His love for you!  God spoke to my heart not long after transplant these words..."Keep following HARD after me and when this is over, you will have gained more than you have ever lost".  I have to agree!

It's because of that promise that we keep going- we KNOW there is an end. We know there is a purpose and a promise waiting.  And every single time I have felt like I didn't have an ounce of fight left in me, God would create a situation of hope and renewal.  Be encouraged.  You will get to a place where you can say, "Remember when..." God is truly your biggest fan.  You are His heart. You are His big idea.  A beautiful creation from the heart of our Father.  He loves you and believe it or not, He longs for you to love Him right back!

Well, I am not going to leave you empty handed! Instead, you will use the Word and be armed and dangerous!  Pray these scriptures.  Use them to thank God for who He is.  Use them to give you hope and expectation again!


May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.  ~ Romans 15:13

An example of how you can pray this:  Lord I thank you that you are the God of ALL hope!  I thank you that as I trust in you, you will fill me with ALL peace and ALL joy so that I will OVERFLOW with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.  God let your hope and joy and peace overflow in my soul and in my life and in my situation.

If you want to pray this for someone that you know, just add their name in it! Here are a few more truths to speak, hope, and expect!

In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed.  In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling.  ~ Exodus 15:13

Lord, I thank you that I am redeemed!  I am loved and I am yours.  God, in your unfailing love, lead me. God remind me that your love never fails!  In your strength God, guide me to you where you are....to where I find your perfect peace and I feel your presence.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~Psalms 73:26

God I thank you that you are my strength.  I thank you that when I have nothing left to give, when I have no fight left in me, YOU are my strength.  When my flesh fails, You are still my portion, you are still my God; you are still for me and giving me strength! You will renew my spirit and my strength!

Psalm 62:5-8...Look up these beautiful words oft truth and hope!

To Be In Need...

"I know what it is to be in need and I know what it is to have plenty"~Philippians 4:12

We have all been in both of these situations at one time or another.  Although, being in need tends to bring the best stories.  Kind of like some of our worst mishaps become our favorite memories~awful at the time, but so much joy and laughter later.  Probably because we have a better perspective looking back.  We realize the situation didn't take us out and that it wasn't permanent and for the sake of our faith, our times of need can bring out the most beautiful things...in time.

Before going through cancer, I thought the patient "got better", as in no more cancer and their hair grew back and BAM...life is good.  But it's not exactly like that.  The aftermath of recovery can feel so frustrating and long and slow.  I will not miss many of the struggles over the last year recovering from cancer and a bone marrow transplant, good grief, I don't think I will miss any!  But somehow I knew even in the thick of it, that my time with God through my "need",would be something I would long for later.  It was just that sweet.

But in times of need, we can feel lonely over time.  It can feel like God's not working, our faith is not working; nothing is working.  It's then that God can easily become just a thought for us.  Out of our frustration, we begin to let the current situation consume us; it's always in the back of our minds, it's strung throughout our conversations, and yet, we never really take any of it to God.  Through my need, there have been more times than one that I have had enough Jesus in me to know that my situation wouild change, but so much of me just wanted to through in the towel. I would have these fleeting thoughts of "This all feels so fake.....is my faith even real?"

BUT GOD....

[He] is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion...when I was in great need, he saved me".  ~Psalms 116:5-6

God longs to be compassionate to us!  He loves to love us and meet our needs.  But being in need can make us feel something totally different or feel nothing at all.

Sometimes we do everything right; we do everything we know to do and we are still stuck in "need".  As I was talking to a sweet soul sister about my need, I asked her, "How do I get out of this?  How do I move from feeling frustrated or feeling empty, to feeling faith?"  And in not-so-fun words she said, "This is when you go back to what you knowof Him.  This is when you remember His great love for you".  Beautiful and true, but I wanted something a little faster!

But those words led me right to Truth~ back to the heart of God; back to His Word.  Like Paul, we have to learn the secret of being content in times of need and in times of plenty. (Philippians 4:12) Not content with our situation, but content with who God is in our lives.  I am not a Bible scholar by any stretch of the imagination, but this is what I believe is the beginning of the "secret"...

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God that transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 4:6-7

What I get is this:

Still talk to Him. Even if it feels like you are talking to the wall at times. Take Him your        "uglies"-those emotions you feel guilty for having or the ones that make you look like a "bad Christian" (whatever that is!).  He is the only One that can actually do something about them anyways.

Continue to be grateful.  Do it on purpose because times of need can make us a little less likely to look for the good, much less notice it.

Let God know what you need. This sounds so simple and it is , but sometimes we just don't feel like it.  In a backwards sort of way, we act like it's more productive to be ticked off or mull over a situation constantly than to let God know our hearts.  Trust me, neither of these ideas work!

When we "put what we have learned or received into practice, the peace of God will be with [us]". (Philippians 4:9)  So when we do "everything right" and the right thing doesn't seem to be happening, just keep obeying.  His grace, evidence of Him at work in our lives, will be on our side.

But what do you do when you talk to God, whether just in conversation or to ask for forgiveness or help and after you say "Amen", you still feel the same?  He didn't take your pain, your anger, your unforgiveness, or your burdens.  He didn't heal you or send you that check in the mail.  You open your eyes and it's all exactly the same...

This is when you have to fill your mind and your words with the Word of God.  It is living, active, and powerful.  God's Words have always created things. When he created the wolrd, He spoke things into existence and His Words are still creating things today!!

As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.  ~Isaiah 55:10-11

So when you feel like your faith has failed or even others think your God didn't come through, keep believing; keep obeying.  His Words will give you hope; they will give you life.  Don't know where to start in His Word?  Look up key words in the back of your Bible, in the concordance. It's a starting place!

In my time of need, God is teaching me that He doesn't panic, even if I do.  He is teaching me to hear His whispers and not just His shouts.  He is teaching me to wait for Him.  He is teaching me that He will meet all of my needs according to HIS glorious riches in Christ.  Not the world's riches, but His.
"And God said, "Go out and stand on the mountain for the Lord is about to pass by". Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountain apart and shattered the rocks, but the Lord was not in the wind.  After the wind, there was an earthquake.  After the earthquake was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire,. And after the fire was a gentle whisper."  (1 Kings 19:10-11)  

 How and when He provides may be different for all of us, but this I know~He loves us and fights for us and with us.  He strengthens us in all things.  He will restore and renew us. I would love for you to go through His Word and see the times that He fights our battles.  He sees our faith, even if it is the size of a mustard seed.  You don't have to wait for God to "show up"..."The Lord is near" (Philippians 4:5)  So let's not cling to worthless idols and forfeit the grace that can be ours! (Jonah 2:8)


God I thank You that You are always near, regardless of how we feel.  I thank You that You are our Help in times of need.  I pray for myself and so many others that are waiting on You....I pray that You will bring comfort, wisdom, and knowledge. I pray that we will stay still and quiet long enough to hear that gentle whisper.   I thank You that we will come out stronger than we were.  That we will have gained more than we ever lost! In Your name...Amen.


This is a song I have listened to over and over again...It reminds me that times of need and times of plenty will come and go, but God will restore! Just click the link below!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWtEEle798A

Beautiful in it's time...

I feel like I am just starting to grieve again from this last year.  Even as I look back to the day I was diagnosed, I never really grieved.  I cried for sure and it's not like I was holding back.  I just had one thing on my mind..."What do I have to do to get better?".  That day and several days after, I cried and I cried hard.  But even on the way to Wake Forest the day we got the news, I was still "okay".   And in the ER when the diagnosis was confirmed, I was still "okay".  When I say "okay", it's not like I didn't have a care in the world because I did.....

I remember them taking me up to my room that would be "home" for the next 4-6 weeks.  Jack had gone out to get us something to eat. I sat down on the bed, hugged that pillow and sobbed.  Naturally when you hear the word cancer, you think of dying.  And I sat and thought about Jack and the kids.  Would I be here to love them unconditionally?  Would I be here to raise them? To pour into them?  Would Jack and I be able to travel in our RV (that we dream of getting one day)?  Would we have years of laying in the bed and holding hands?  Yes, I thought about death and I didn't want it; I didn't want it for my babies, for Jack, for my family.

That's why I went into survival mode I think.  I just wanted to get better.  So I didn't allow myself to let my mind wonder.  I stayed focused on keeping God's Word as my hope and my expectation.  No, it was not a front.  I still felt anger, sadness, frustration, and fear.  I still got so mad I would throw things and I would even yell just to get rid of what I was feeling.  But I was on a mission...to get better and live the rest of life.  So I would rant and rave, pick myself up, and start again.

But I grieve in spurts I think.  I don't know why other than I just didn't allow myself to give into any part of cancer.  And not more than a year from diagnosis and nearly 10 months post transplant, I feel another wave of grief...like I could loose it.  I guess in letting my guard down, I realize what really happened.

Did I ever ask God "why me"?  Honestly, not really.  I remember in the ER I thought "Why not me? I have more going for me than most.  I am young, otherwise healthy, I have amazing family support and I have my faith-I have my Jesus".  I think my questions were more "How much longer?" and "When will this get easier or better?"

In September 2013, I was in the hospital for a week for a booster chemo treatment.  I remember one morning at 2am, they hooked me up to a round of chemo and I felt such anxiety.  The room was dark, and Jack was on the couch beside of me.  That night I did grieve and I grieved because I knew this was going to be a long journey.  I knew this wasn't going to be over soon.  I wanted to run and just not do any of it.  I didn't want to go through it.  But like all of this, I had no choice other than the choice of how I was going to go through it.

Now the lingering side effects of transplant seem to be chipping away at me.  All of it still feels like it's just taking its sweet time- even growing out my hair is slow!  Maybe it's time to rest....

"Like a tree, a woman can't carry the weight of two seasons simultaneously.  In the violent struggle of trying, she'll miss every bit of joy each season promises to bring."~Lysa Terkeurst

For so long, you can be stuck between eternally grateful and completely aggravated.  You have these emotions, but it's hard to actually feel them sometimes because you are so grateful for life and all that has gone so well.   But it's time for me to rest in knowing that God knows my heart and He knows that I am more than grateful.  It's time to see the promises of this season unfold because all along, I have believed down in my soul that there would be beauty for ashes.

"He has made everything beautiful in it's time"~ Ecclesiastes 3:11

One day not long after transplant, I sent the kids out the door to one of their activities.  I got so angry.  I was so tired of sending them places and never being able to go with them.  I had a massive breakdown and that day, I grieved again.  I did the ugly cry.  You know the one... in the floor, shoulders shaking, and sounds coming from me that would have put a dying animal to shame,.  But as I got quiet from sheer exhaustion, down in my heart I heard this:  "Keep obeying me.  Keep putting one foot in front of the other and when this is over, you will have gained more than you have ever lost."~sweet words from my Savior.  The only One who could save me.  The only One who knew the grief down in my heart.  He knew my heart was broke from so many things and I didn't have to try and explain it.  I knew that day that He just knew.

So I think it's time to rest in the knowing.  Its' time to soak up all that this season has brought me and my family.  It's time to accept the season and before you panic and think, "She's throwing in the towel", I am not saying to accept any part of cancer or recovery. I still pray and believe.  But the truth is, no matter what, this is something we have had to walk through and nothing can change that.  Honestly, even before transplant the doctors kept telling me to give post transplant at least a year.  I am not quiet there and I still fight every part of this tooth and nail.  Again, it's time to rest....

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:  a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace." ~Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

So how do we know the season we are in?  How do we know the "time"?  This comes from a relationship with Christ. David said in Psalms that God confides in those that trust in Him.  The more we read His Word, the more we pray and talk to Him, the more we take notice of Him around us, the more comfortable and familiar with hearing His voice we will become.

There are so many ways to hear His voice and His heart for us.  God is so complex and like us, He likes diversity.  We can hear His voice as we sing songs that remind us of Him.  We can hear His voice in nature, just being quiet and seeing the beauty around us.  We can hear His voice by writing in journals and if you are not comfortable with "writing", start with making a list; a list of gratitude, a list of prayers.  But make time with Him a priority. Spend time with others that can encourage your faith.  Read books that help you understand scripture or lets you hear how others have walked out their faith.  Participate in Bible studies that help you find truth in His word.  Read scripture, write down verses that mean something to you.  Pray those words and if they are words you can act on, act on them!

If you go to the top of the blog and click the link "Beautiful You", you will find some great books and devotionals that have impacted my faith and kept me in His Word.  The list is short for now because I am just starting the page, but I hope to give you lots of resources in the days ahead.

God, I am eternally grateful.  I pray that you will help me and others to hear Your voice Lord and to know the season that we are in.  I pray that we will be confident and have a deep knowing in our souls of the "timing" of our seasons.  And in that knowing, I pray that we will not fight it with guilt or in vain, but that we will find rest; rest in You.   And Lord, thank you that You truly do give beauty for ashes and You do make things beautiful in it's time.  Speak to our hearts with words of wisdom, comfort, strength and healing.  In Jesus' name I pray.  Amen.