From a journal I wrote back in September....

It has been a while since I have last posted a blog. I think it is because God has been giving me many small pieces to a bigger picture that I am trying to piece together. Honestly, it feels like as soon as I start to get an understanding of something that He has spoken to my heart, He shares another little piece of Truth that adds to it. So basically, what I am writing today is about all of the fragments of things that I am trying to piece together. And, if the truth be told, I think much of my hesitation with all of this is me trying to accept the fact that Truth is not always fun, exciting, or easy. To get where I want, I have to break old habits that die hard and break loose from some strongholds that are just that-strong. I have spent much of my time asking God how am I supposed to do what you are asking me to do? What is the formula? What is the answer? And it always comes back to this: The answer is in the Word that I have read and the choice is me simply doing it. I have to say, this is not what I want to hear or do and I think I am spending more time trying to figure out another way than anything else! Let me explain a few things that are in my heart...

For several days, I have felt that God is trying to bring me back to child-like faith. This kind of faith is not silly, naive, or merely wishful thinking. This child-like faith is about trust and taking God at His Word, which I have let life take right from me. I can sincerely remember having this kind of faith....I looked for God and saw Him in the most simple of things that brought me joy. It was mostly in nature, but it was also in ordinary things such as getting great smelling lotion at Bath and Body Works, decorating my house for holidays, drinking a good cup of coffee in the morning, and nearly any day in the fall, which is my absolute favorite time of year. I also hoped for God when I couldn't see Him as clearly. But I have noticed that I have fallen further away from this type of relationship with God as I have 'grown-up'. One particular day stands out in my mind as I look back on when I allowed life to change me. I was driving back home from the store and there was an amazing sunset. I said out loud, "Thank you God for painting that just for me!". Right after I said it, I cried because I felt so silly. I remember thinking that was something a kid would think and not an adult. I know that God is the Creator of all things, including sunsets, but for some reason the thought that He 'painted it just for me' all of the sudden sounded foolish.

That was not the day that I turned from my child-like faith. No, there was much more that led up to it than feeling silly over a sunset. We all have been given hard-blows in life and it is pointless to compare our own heartbreaks to anyone else's to see if our hurts are really justifiable as 'hard times'. What matters is that we all have moments in our lives that change us-sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worst. As I look back, I can see where certain situations and circumstances caused me to doubt my faith. The painful experiences literally drowned out the Truth in my heart and I began to listen to the more 'obvious', tangible thing....what I saw and heard instead of what God had put in my heart. As life threw some blows, I began to listen to what life was telling me....my faith was too simple, I was too naive, to idealistic. My dreams, hopes, and plans seemed too much for this life to actually produce.

Where I am at now is on my way to not looking so much at life, but at God. I think many times our faith could seem too simplistic and naive in comparison to how complicated and painful life is, but there is nothing naive about believing in the God of the Bible. Never has He promised us an easy, pain free life. Actually, He has been very up front about that, telling us that in this life we would have trials and pains. (John 16:33, James 1:2) He knew we would shed tears and a got a bottle just for collecting them. He knew life as we know it would look completely different at times than the life He speaks of so He told us to not look at the seen, but the unseen because what is seen is temporary and what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:17-18) When we are faced with real, painful, confusing situations, people, or circumstances, our faith can seem more like wishful thinking than the real answer. I think it is because God's Truth is so plain and practical, that it almost seems silly. I mean, praying for your enemies and blessing them surely cannot mean praying for them and blessing them! What I mean is that prayer, faith, trust, reading the Word and believing it can feel like we are not doing enough and sometimes it feels like we aren't doing anything at all. To the world and even our own flesh, our faith can look like we are merely waiting on life to happen to us, but that is not the case. Listen to what Isaiah 55:10-11 says about the Word:

As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

There is nothing unproductive or naive about that!!

I miss my child-like faith and I sincerely look forward to being back there...I was so much more at peace then. Trust me, my child-like faith didn't make me see everything through rose colored glasses. And one major thing I am realizing is that it was not my child-like faith that caused me hurt. Trusting in God and His Word will never leave us broken. It will break our flesh and things in our lives that do not need to be there, but it will not leave us devastated. Life is what can leave us disappointed, not the believing in something better. I have had that backwards for some time now. After getting a few hard blows, I thought that I needed to add more to my faith because apparently, my faith alone was not guarding my heart. I found myself guarding my heart in so many ways. A few examples are isolating myself, trying to always figure things out, wanting a logical answer for nearly everything, not being as positive and hopeful, but more cautious and 'realistic' (my word for cynical). I have looked for protection from life in many things; people, acceptance, having the right clothes or the right look. The only thing these things have done for me is make me crazy-I have become a cracked pot!!

When you are a cracked pot, regardless of what you try to fill yourself up with, it will not last. It will run right out of the cracks and there is nothing you can do about it. Filling up a cracked pot is not satisfying in any way. Actually, it only feeds the fear, doubt, hurt, and insecurities that we are trying to avoid, cover up, and prevent. That's because as we are leaking, we are wondering how in the world we are going to get more of what we just lost. So why in the world do we turn to things other than God and His Word? For me, it was because I allowed life and circumstances to tell me that my faith was not guarding my heart. I needed something more tangible and real. I bought the lie that my faith was little more than wishful thinking otherwise, I would not be hurting and I would never doubt or be confused.

As I have read the Word, I am finding child-like faith to be something totally different. Trust me, at this point in my life child-like faith seems so far against my nature! I have cried before, during, and I am sure after, I write this. It has stirred up many things inside of me, but mostly how much I have missed my relationship with God. It has reminded me of how child-like faith not only gives me the freedom to express my love to God, but to also receive and believe His love for me. It has given me that homesick feeling for the relationship that child-like faith gave me....one of acceptance, hope, excitement, safety, and a deep down joy and connection with God! So I have started looking forward to the sunsets again and I KNOW that He really did paint them just for me!


Lord, you know my heart as I write this. I have missed you! I have missed the connection and love that I have lost because I wanted to guard my heart from many things. But Lord, you are bringing me back to you and I am so excited and so grateful. I love you Lord! In Jesus' name.