Knowing that God is Good...

Rules.  I like them.  They make me feel secure.  I like the idea of doing things a certain way and getting a certain outcome. It gives me a sense of control because I do not like the unpredictable or things that leave my heart broke and confused.  And this love of rules, the pursuit for things to "work out", has kept my faith in the shallow end in certain areas.  It has kept my soul from being completely honest with my God about certain things because once again, I know how I "should" and "shouldn't" feel.  It has kept me from confessing my fears and worries and even my anxieties. Sure I take Him my emotions on a daily basis, but this crazy passion for things working out has kept me from asking God the hard questions; the ones that I know may not have an answer and it has even kept me from stepping out in faith and obedience.  Even though I truly know that there are things that I will never understand on this side of heaven, I have found the freedom to ask God the questions and the courage to say "Yes" to my faith and to my God.   To confess things I don't understand, the things I don't like. I am not exactly a roaring lion at this point, but the journey of a 1,ooo miles begins with one step! I am not talking about questioning God or His heart towards me, but to give Him my human mind, feelings and emotions.  To give Him me as I am....a very limited human being that longs for His truth to grip me like never before.  To give Him my faith as it is and not as it should be. 

As I look back at my very first blog entry, I usually cry all over again.  It began with a quest for more of Him.  I set out to move beyond knowing the right answers in my head, yet living something different in my heart and soul.  And it's something quite amazing to look back and see how God has answered that prayer.  And over the last couple of years I have grown some roots!  But as I began to read a book given to me by a sweet, sweet soul sister of mine, I began to feel that longing all over again...more of Him.  A deeper faith, a deeper relationship, to be able to trust Him even more, to confess my feelings and more importantly, my lack of them at times.  This book, A Thousand Gifts, has been such a gift to me.  I read the first few chapters and felt truly awakened.  You know that feeling of connection you get to something that is said or shared between you and someone else or to something you read...that feeling of "that's what I am trying to say" or "I have been feeling the same way"?  That is how I have felt reading the first few chapters of this book; it has been an answer to prayer.

The first few chapters seemed to flow; I couldn't read fast enough.  The quest to see God in the details.  The challenge to turn from being ungrateful and to live the full life of gratitude.  I loved it! I have kept journals for as long as I can remember, so this was right up my alley.  Pen in hand, I began my own list of gifts and it has been nothing short of beautiful.  I feel joy.  Really, really joyful and thankful.  Not happiness that is here today and gone tomorrow.  Here when the kids listen and gone when they don't.  Here when the house is clean and gone when it looks really bad.  Here when the jeans finally button and gone when I have to pull the sweatpants on.  Here when Jack and I agree and gone when we don't.  You get the point.  I found the question that has and will continue to help me define the life I long for and truly want to live...my priorities. 

The question is basically this....If you were given more time, more life to live, what would you want more of?  More time for what? Like I tell my kids, there are certain things that just have to be done whether we want to do them or not....things like brushing teeth (the kids issues; not mine), cleaning bathrooms, doing dirty dishes, etc.  It's called life.  But if I were about to die and wanted more time, what would I be longing for? What would I miss so much that the thought of not being here to do it would cause me to long for more time?  And that is where my list began and it keeps growing!!  I have played more, sang more, laughed more, gained patience, lost it a few times, but was quick to find it again.  And just tonight, Carly and I rode with the windows down and the radio up, singing at the top of our lungs, laughing genuine laughs and my soul down deep was satisfied. 

But let me tell you, the book became harder to read. . The real challenge has been to see God in ALL things.  To not separate my life in categories  such as "good" and "bad" or "from God" and "where the heck did this come from".  I wasn't as willing to jump in with both feet the way I did with beginning a list of gifts.  I remember hearing Benny Hinn say you either believe all of the Bible or none of it.  Seems a little harsh to a soul that is trying to stay in self-defense mode; a soul trying to protect itself from the "bad".  But this chapter from A Thousand Gifts has really struck a cord with me.  Even as I began my list of gifts, I would catch myself from time to time wondering when it would end.  When would my list of good things be interrupted by something bad? This fear has kept me from trusting God, from surrendering to my faith in certain areas, and to be honest, it has even kept me from sharing my faith with others because I can't wrap up this walk with God in a nice and neat package.  I can't explain it all or say how it will all unfold.   And as I laid in bed tonight I cried.  I cried as I prayed for so many people that have had "bad"things happen to them. I cried for my own unanswered prayers.   I cried because I know a deep seeded fear is being up rooted.  And the humor is that I even fear how God is going to uproot it! Seriously!  But I remembered a little "ah-hah" moment from Ann Voskamp....it's in the darkness that life is created.  A seed in the dark of the earth brings forth a plant, the dark of the womb brings forth a life, and because of the dark we can see the light. So tonight I cried and asked "why" and "how".  I didn't get the answer to my questions, but I did get comfort in knowing that if I wanted to grieve to Him, He was right there.   I cried because I know that God is working in me and He desires His truth to be in the core of who I am.   I know this is where I am headed...to more truth and knowing that God is a GOOD God. 

God, I am more than grateful for You and Your presence in my life.  I am so grateful for so many things and as my list grows, so does my joy.  But one of the many things that I am grateful for is Your love and faithfulness towards us.  Your patience...unending! Lord, I truly feel like I am falling backwards and "hoping" you will catch me. I hate that I have this fear of the unknown and that for reasons I can't explain, I even mistrust You at times.  It breaks my heart and I am truly sorry.  But I remember what You gave my heart a long time ago.  What appears as lack of faith to us, is a cry for more faith to You.   I literally have butterflies in the pit of my belly as I think of letting go of some things that I have held onto for dear life.  But God they have only served to hold me back and weigh me down.  I am scared to death to move forward, but more scared to stay the same.  So Lord, I will use Your Word to overcome....releasing my tight grip and believing that ALL things are held together by You. I love you Lord.  I love You more than my fears.  In Jesus' name.