Cancer sucks. I have seen this phrase on bumper stickers and t-shirts. I used to think that statement was almost rude; borderline distasteful and disrespectful. I felt that way until I heard the words fall out of my own mouth and I truly never use the word "sucks"...EVER. But along with cancer comes so many emotions. Cancer is so much more than chemo and loosing your hair. Honestly, those are the easy parts. It's regaining "normal" and the hanging "ifs" and "maybes" that is hard. It's being away from your family and friends. It's always needing help because of the fatigue. It's thinking about things you never gave a second thought before like germs, fevers, and rashes. Before, those would have been little things I would have smacked some cream on or waited out the fever, but now those are things that send me back to the hospital. And words I had NEVER used in a conversation before are the very words that tickle my fancy now....What are my neutrophils now? Is my hemoglobin good? How about my platelets? Honestly, I didn't even know some of those words until all of this!
From the second that I heard I had leukemia, I automatically went into survival mode. I just wanted to know how to get better. There were definitely days that I cried. One particular day stands out in my mind. It was during my first stay in the hospital and the urge to run was so real. Everything in me wanted to back out of the whole cancer thing. I didn't want to do it. Most days I am okay with all of this. Not that I would ever sign up for it, but I am more than grateful for all that has gone so well. Even in the ER that first night at Wake Forrest when AML was confirmed, I knew that I had more going for me than against me and I still feel that way.
But I get mad. I get frustrated. And even though I know all the 'right' answers, sometimes it still stinks (I told you, I do not like the other word!). When I came home from this second round of chemo, Abigail was running a low fever. To play it safe, I couldn't be around her; I couldn't go home for another 4 days. It was hard for many reasons and I lost it. I cried and vented. It felt good to just be that honest and real....that I was mad at cancer and I hated it. I let my soul empty itself. I think I did more than cry, I grieved for things my heart missed so bad.
"But the greatest of these is love." (1 Corinthians 13:13) It's greater than hope and it's greater than faith. Without knowing that God truly loves me, I wouldn't be able to have hope or faith. If I didn't know that the God I love, loves me right back, I wouldn't be able to trust Him. I wouldn't be able to cry and get angry and tell Him all that is in my heart. And I wouldn't be able to have the peace that I have down in my soul.
Without knowing that God loves me, His words would be nothing more than that....words on a page, full of empty promises. Without His love I would see His words and keep my fingers and toes crossed, hoping that they applied to me. Without knowing His love for me, I would live in fear; fear of messing up, fear of others, fear that He wouldn't come through for me. I wouldn't be able to trust Him or His intentions towards me. And that is exactly how I lived out my faith until I settled in my soul that He is good and His love endures.
I am not sure why it's so hard to believe that God loves us. Maybe it's because of all the "bad" we see around us. As I look back throughout the Bible, God's plan for us rarely looks like the promise. Actually, it looks like more "bad" than "good"....UNTL THE END. Nearly every "hero of faith" in scripture was given a promise. The promises were amazing; they were going to set nations free, become kings and rulers, and even bring a Savior into the world. But after the promise, it seemed that things would begin to unravel and a lot of "bad" began to happen. It would appear that the promises were empty and God didn't follow through.
And this is why we need to know that God truly loves us. If not, then we stop too early. It's knowing His love for us that keeps us believing that what He says is true; that He is faithful. We get to know how those stories end in the Bible and we can see how the plan is what prepared them for the promise. I truly wish there was a formula we could apply and then just like that we would know how much He loves us. Maybe that's why scripture says to work out your own salvation because we all have had things happen that have left us devastated and broke. And from those things we have to build ourselves back up.
"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us...There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment". (1 John 4:16, 18-20) When the "bad" comes, we are not being punished for something and it doesn't mean that we have done something and we somehow deserve to be punished. Instead, we need to keep believing and move forward because God brings beauty from ashes, strength from fear, gladness from mourning, and peace for despair. He is with us always. "There is no God like you in heaven or earth- you who keeps your promise of love with your servants who continue wholeheartedly in your way". (2 Chronicles 6:14)
For me, I began a gratitude journal. I found so much more than a grateful heart. After listing the obvious things in life I was grateful for, I had to keep looking for things to add to my list. And what happened changed my life and my faith. It wasn't long afterwards that I didn't have to look for Him, I just saw Him in everything and everywhere. And in the places where it seemed He wasn't to be found, I knew to look and eventually I would see Him there, too. From seeing Him in every detail, I found peace and began to trust Him more than ever. Who would have thought that such a simple thing as gratitude would lead me to love?! So my prayer for myself and you is this:
"And I pray that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have power together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses all knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." (Ephesians 3:17-19) In Jesus name. xoxo
A
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Knowing that God is Good...
Rules. I like them. They make me feel secure. I like the idea of doing things a certain way and getting a certain outcome. It gives me a sense of control because I do not like the unpredictable or things that leave my heart broke and confused. And this love of rules, the pursuit for things to "work out", has kept my faith in the shallow end in certain areas. It has kept my soul from being completely honest with my God about certain things because once again, I know how I "should" and "shouldn't" feel. It has kept me from confessing my fears and worries and even my anxieties. Sure I take Him my emotions on a daily basis, but this crazy passion for things working out has kept me from asking God the hard questions; the ones that I know may not have an answer and it has even kept me from stepping out in faith and obedience. Even though I truly know that there are things that I will never understand on this side of heaven, I have found the freedom to ask God the questions and the courage to say "Yes" to my faith and to my God. To confess things I don't understand, the things I don't like. I am not exactly a roaring lion at this point, but the journey of a 1,ooo miles begins with one step! I am not talking about questioning God or His heart towards me, but to give Him my human mind, feelings and emotions. To give Him me as I am....a very limited human being that longs for His truth to grip me like never before. To give Him my faith as it is and not as it should be.
As I look back at my very first blog entry, I usually cry all over again. It began with a quest for more of Him. I set out to move beyond knowing the right answers in my head, yet living something different in my heart and soul. And it's something quite amazing to look back and see how God has answered that prayer. And over the last couple of years I have grown some roots! But as I began to read a book given to me by a sweet, sweet soul sister of mine, I began to feel that longing all over again...more of Him. A deeper faith, a deeper relationship, to be able to trust Him even more, to confess my feelings and more importantly, my lack of them at times. This book, A Thousand Gifts, has been such a gift to me. I read the first few chapters and felt truly awakened. You know that feeling of connection you get to something that is said or shared between you and someone else or to something you read...that feeling of "that's what I am trying to say" or "I have been feeling the same way"? That is how I have felt reading the first few chapters of this book; it has been an answer to prayer.
The first few chapters seemed to flow; I couldn't read fast enough. The quest to see God in the details. The challenge to turn from being ungrateful and to live the full life of gratitude. I loved it! I have kept journals for as long as I can remember, so this was right up my alley. Pen in hand, I began my own list of gifts and it has been nothing short of beautiful. I feel joy. Really, really joyful and thankful. Not happiness that is here today and gone tomorrow. Here when the kids listen and gone when they don't. Here when the house is clean and gone when it looks really bad. Here when the jeans finally button and gone when I have to pull the sweatpants on. Here when Jack and I agree and gone when we don't. You get the point. I found the question that has and will continue to help me define the life I long for and truly want to live...my priorities.
The question is basically this....If you were given more time, more life to live, what would you want more of? More time for what? Like I tell my kids, there are certain things that just have to be done whether we want to do them or not....things like brushing teeth (the kids issues; not mine), cleaning bathrooms, doing dirty dishes, etc. It's called life. But if I were about to die and wanted more time, what would I be longing for? What would I miss so much that the thought of not being here to do it would cause me to long for more time? And that is where my list began and it keeps growing!! I have played more, sang more, laughed more, gained patience, lost it a few times, but was quick to find it again. And just tonight, Carly and I rode with the windows down and the radio up, singing at the top of our lungs, laughing genuine laughs and my soul down deep was satisfied.
But let me tell you, the book became harder to read. . The real challenge has been to see God in ALL things. To not separate my life in categories such as "good" and "bad" or "from God" and "where the heck did this come from". I wasn't as willing to jump in with both feet the way I did with beginning a list of gifts. I remember hearing Benny Hinn say you either believe all of the Bible or none of it. Seems a little harsh to a soul that is trying to stay in self-defense mode; a soul trying to protect itself from the "bad". But this chapter from A Thousand Gifts has really struck a cord with me. Even as I began my list of gifts, I would catch myself from time to time wondering when it would end. When would my list of good things be interrupted by something bad? This fear has kept me from trusting God, from surrendering to my faith in certain areas, and to be honest, it has even kept me from sharing my faith with others because I can't wrap up this walk with God in a nice and neat package. I can't explain it all or say how it will all unfold. And as I laid in bed tonight I cried. I cried as I prayed for so many people that have had "bad"things happen to them. I cried for my own unanswered prayers. I cried because I know a deep seeded fear is being up rooted. And the humor is that I even fear how God is going to uproot it! Seriously! But I remembered a little "ah-hah" moment from Ann Voskamp....it's in the darkness that life is created. A seed in the dark of the earth brings forth a plant, the dark of the womb brings forth a life, and because of the dark we can see the light. So tonight I cried and asked "why" and "how". I didn't get the answer to my questions, but I did get comfort in knowing that if I wanted to grieve to Him, He was right there. I cried because I know that God is working in me and He desires His truth to be in the core of who I am. I know this is where I am headed...to more truth and knowing that God is a GOOD God.
God, I am more than grateful for You and Your presence in my life. I am so grateful for so many things and as my list grows, so does my joy. But one of the many things that I am grateful for is Your love and faithfulness towards us. Your patience...unending! Lord, I truly feel like I am falling backwards and "hoping" you will catch me. I hate that I have this fear of the unknown and that for reasons I can't explain, I even mistrust You at times. It breaks my heart and I am truly sorry. But I remember what You gave my heart a long time ago. What appears as lack of faith to us, is a cry for more faith to You. I literally have butterflies in the pit of my belly as I think of letting go of some things that I have held onto for dear life. But God they have only served to hold me back and weigh me down. I am scared to death to move forward, but more scared to stay the same. So Lord, I will use Your Word to overcome....releasing my tight grip and believing that ALL things are held together by You. I love you Lord. I love You more than my fears. In Jesus' name.
As I look back at my very first blog entry, I usually cry all over again. It began with a quest for more of Him. I set out to move beyond knowing the right answers in my head, yet living something different in my heart and soul. And it's something quite amazing to look back and see how God has answered that prayer. And over the last couple of years I have grown some roots! But as I began to read a book given to me by a sweet, sweet soul sister of mine, I began to feel that longing all over again...more of Him. A deeper faith, a deeper relationship, to be able to trust Him even more, to confess my feelings and more importantly, my lack of them at times. This book, A Thousand Gifts, has been such a gift to me. I read the first few chapters and felt truly awakened. You know that feeling of connection you get to something that is said or shared between you and someone else or to something you read...that feeling of "that's what I am trying to say" or "I have been feeling the same way"? That is how I have felt reading the first few chapters of this book; it has been an answer to prayer.
The first few chapters seemed to flow; I couldn't read fast enough. The quest to see God in the details. The challenge to turn from being ungrateful and to live the full life of gratitude. I loved it! I have kept journals for as long as I can remember, so this was right up my alley. Pen in hand, I began my own list of gifts and it has been nothing short of beautiful. I feel joy. Really, really joyful and thankful. Not happiness that is here today and gone tomorrow. Here when the kids listen and gone when they don't. Here when the house is clean and gone when it looks really bad. Here when the jeans finally button and gone when I have to pull the sweatpants on. Here when Jack and I agree and gone when we don't. You get the point. I found the question that has and will continue to help me define the life I long for and truly want to live...my priorities.
The question is basically this....If you were given more time, more life to live, what would you want more of? More time for what? Like I tell my kids, there are certain things that just have to be done whether we want to do them or not....things like brushing teeth (the kids issues; not mine), cleaning bathrooms, doing dirty dishes, etc. It's called life. But if I were about to die and wanted more time, what would I be longing for? What would I miss so much that the thought of not being here to do it would cause me to long for more time? And that is where my list began and it keeps growing!! I have played more, sang more, laughed more, gained patience, lost it a few times, but was quick to find it again. And just tonight, Carly and I rode with the windows down and the radio up, singing at the top of our lungs, laughing genuine laughs and my soul down deep was satisfied.
But let me tell you, the book became harder to read. . The real challenge has been to see God in ALL things. To not separate my life in categories such as "good" and "bad" or "from God" and "where the heck did this come from". I wasn't as willing to jump in with both feet the way I did with beginning a list of gifts. I remember hearing Benny Hinn say you either believe all of the Bible or none of it. Seems a little harsh to a soul that is trying to stay in self-defense mode; a soul trying to protect itself from the "bad". But this chapter from A Thousand Gifts has really struck a cord with me. Even as I began my list of gifts, I would catch myself from time to time wondering when it would end. When would my list of good things be interrupted by something bad? This fear has kept me from trusting God, from surrendering to my faith in certain areas, and to be honest, it has even kept me from sharing my faith with others because I can't wrap up this walk with God in a nice and neat package. I can't explain it all or say how it will all unfold. And as I laid in bed tonight I cried. I cried as I prayed for so many people that have had "bad"things happen to them. I cried for my own unanswered prayers. I cried because I know a deep seeded fear is being up rooted. And the humor is that I even fear how God is going to uproot it! Seriously! But I remembered a little "ah-hah" moment from Ann Voskamp....it's in the darkness that life is created. A seed in the dark of the earth brings forth a plant, the dark of the womb brings forth a life, and because of the dark we can see the light. So tonight I cried and asked "why" and "how". I didn't get the answer to my questions, but I did get comfort in knowing that if I wanted to grieve to Him, He was right there. I cried because I know that God is working in me and He desires His truth to be in the core of who I am. I know this is where I am headed...to more truth and knowing that God is a GOOD God.
God, I am more than grateful for You and Your presence in my life. I am so grateful for so many things and as my list grows, so does my joy. But one of the many things that I am grateful for is Your love and faithfulness towards us. Your patience...unending! Lord, I truly feel like I am falling backwards and "hoping" you will catch me. I hate that I have this fear of the unknown and that for reasons I can't explain, I even mistrust You at times. It breaks my heart and I am truly sorry. But I remember what You gave my heart a long time ago. What appears as lack of faith to us, is a cry for more faith to You. I literally have butterflies in the pit of my belly as I think of letting go of some things that I have held onto for dear life. But God they have only served to hold me back and weigh me down. I am scared to death to move forward, but more scared to stay the same. So Lord, I will use Your Word to overcome....releasing my tight grip and believing that ALL things are held together by You. I love you Lord. I love You more than my fears. In Jesus' name.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
The gift of an ordinary day...
The gift of an ordinary day....
Today my little guy turns 10!! It really is hard to believe how fast the time has gone and how many memories that the years can hold. So in true mommy fashion, I broke out the baby pictures! Jake and I sat on the couch looking through pictures and I cried. And Jacob, who has always been an "old soul" had mixed emotions about "never being in the single digits ever again"....he truly does get it honest.
"The gift of an ordinary day". I read this quote a while back and it has truly stuck in my heart and my mind. Sometimes the ordinary seems just that....ordinary. We get tired of doing the same old, same old day after day....pick up messes, cook, clean, laundry and all of those other ordinary things that just have to be repeated over and over again. But how different life is when our ordinary is shaken up; it is then that we miss it. Then we long for "normal" and our ordinary days and routines. But I don't want to wait for my world to be shaken up for me to appreciate my days. This doesn't mean that I never blow up and loose it or wish for a "day off" or a mini vacation. But this truth...the gift of an ordinary day.....surely gives me more patience and a more grateful heart and mind. It allows me to pick and choose my battles and choose what really matters to me.
My mom gave me the best advice a few years ago and she still reminds me of it now....one day I will miss the mess. And how true! I sat in Noah's room rocking him and looked at all of the baby toys in the floor and my heart knew that they would only be there for such a very short time until we would move those out and bring in new ones as he grows. In my living room there is a box full of dress up clothes, which rarely are actually in the box; they are normally all over the floor. My kitchen table always has crayons, paper and art projects going on. Often times my kitchen chairs will be missing and I will find them being used to make tents with blankets draped over them. And of course there are Lego's and army men and stuffed animals galore and laundry baskets full of clothes that have never made it to a drawer. But one day these messes will be cleaned up and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt I will surely miss them.
So today I am grateful for so many ordinary things. I am grateful for baseball gear at the door, shoes in a pile in the garage. I am grateful for little ones that wake up and need to be fed. I am grateful for sweet babies in pajamas and sippy cups. I am grateful for two little girls making a PILE of birthday cards for Jacob. I am grateful for the laundry because that means I have that many people here. I am grateful that I have to clean my table off every single time we want to eat because someone is always making something that requires crayons and LOTS of paper. I am grateful for Lego's and muddy boots. Grateful to pick up the phone and be able to talk to my parents. Grateful for my kids to have grandparents to call and say "Happy Birthday. I love you". I am grateful for my door chime that lets me know Jack is home. And I am so unbelievably grateful for birthdays because we get to celebrate the most precious, priceless thing of all....each other.
" Teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom" ~Psalms 90:12
Today my little guy turns 10!! It really is hard to believe how fast the time has gone and how many memories that the years can hold. So in true mommy fashion, I broke out the baby pictures! Jake and I sat on the couch looking through pictures and I cried. And Jacob, who has always been an "old soul" had mixed emotions about "never being in the single digits ever again"....he truly does get it honest.
"The gift of an ordinary day". I read this quote a while back and it has truly stuck in my heart and my mind. Sometimes the ordinary seems just that....ordinary. We get tired of doing the same old, same old day after day....pick up messes, cook, clean, laundry and all of those other ordinary things that just have to be repeated over and over again. But how different life is when our ordinary is shaken up; it is then that we miss it. Then we long for "normal" and our ordinary days and routines. But I don't want to wait for my world to be shaken up for me to appreciate my days. This doesn't mean that I never blow up and loose it or wish for a "day off" or a mini vacation. But this truth...the gift of an ordinary day.....surely gives me more patience and a more grateful heart and mind. It allows me to pick and choose my battles and choose what really matters to me.
My mom gave me the best advice a few years ago and she still reminds me of it now....one day I will miss the mess. And how true! I sat in Noah's room rocking him and looked at all of the baby toys in the floor and my heart knew that they would only be there for such a very short time until we would move those out and bring in new ones as he grows. In my living room there is a box full of dress up clothes, which rarely are actually in the box; they are normally all over the floor. My kitchen table always has crayons, paper and art projects going on. Often times my kitchen chairs will be missing and I will find them being used to make tents with blankets draped over them. And of course there are Lego's and army men and stuffed animals galore and laundry baskets full of clothes that have never made it to a drawer. But one day these messes will be cleaned up and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt I will surely miss them.
So today I am grateful for so many ordinary things. I am grateful for baseball gear at the door, shoes in a pile in the garage. I am grateful for little ones that wake up and need to be fed. I am grateful for sweet babies in pajamas and sippy cups. I am grateful for two little girls making a PILE of birthday cards for Jacob. I am grateful for the laundry because that means I have that many people here. I am grateful that I have to clean my table off every single time we want to eat because someone is always making something that requires crayons and LOTS of paper. I am grateful for Lego's and muddy boots. Grateful to pick up the phone and be able to talk to my parents. Grateful for my kids to have grandparents to call and say "Happy Birthday. I love you". I am grateful for my door chime that lets me know Jack is home. And I am so unbelievably grateful for birthdays because we get to celebrate the most precious, priceless thing of all....each other.
" Teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom" ~Psalms 90:12
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
