Beautiful love...

When I began this journey back in the summer, I had no idea what God was preparing me for. The only thing I knew was that I wanted to break free from the things that kept me from experiencing God in the way I read about in His Word. I wanted to genuinely move past the strongholds in my life that kept me running back to them over and over again. Thank God that He did reveal Himself to me in a way that has truly changed my life forever. I can honestly say that I will never be the same again!

I have learned so many things over the last months as I have committed myself to time with God, time in His Word, and oh so importantly....being honest and open with Him. I keep trying to think of the the 'one thing' that has helped me the most on this journey to freedom and truth. It all started with a Bible study, but that was not the key. I have done many Bible studies in the past only to feel like I just couldn't keep what I had learned long enough to make a permanent difference in my life. But one thing that I did do different this time, and I know it changed things, was being honest and open with God. As I completed my Bible study homework, for the first time I didn't fill in the blanks with the right answers; you know...the answers that you could quote the scripture for or the answers that you knew how you 'should' respond, but in real life you just weren't getting it. Instead I filled in the blanks with the truth, even if it was something that I hated to admit to myself or God and even if it brought tears of repentance for not even understanding why I felt the way that I did. There where even some blanks that remained empty until I could fill it in with the truth that was deep down in my heart. And let me say that the truth is was not always pretty. I confessed areas of major doubt, hurt and mistrust. However, this brought an intimacy and a healing that I have never known before with my God. Psalm 51:17 says this: The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart O God, you will not despise. This I can testify to....God wants to heal our broken hearts and bind up our wounds regardless of why we have them. My broken heart was so much from my past and my wounds were those hurts that were still bleeding and effecting every part of my life.

God has been so patient and merciful and sweet to me through this whole thing and I know that it is not even close to the end; I am only at the beginning. As I look back I am in awe of the truths that God has spoken to my heart over time and He has spoken with nothing but compassion. But I have to say the most profound truth that I have gained from all of this is the love of God. Why in the world is this so hard for us to understand, grasp, and receive? I am surely not pointing a finger because if I was, I would be pointing it at myself! I have grown up all of my life hearing about the love of God. Most of us have heard it from the very beginning...."Jesus loves you"! We learned songs about it, it is what we tell those that are hurting and desperate for comfort. We can read it all throughout the Bible and even on the bumper of a car! Love is even the definition of God and it is the reason for Jesus Christ giving His life for us and yet, it is the most understated, underestimated, least comprehended thing in the Christian life. And now I know why Satan has deceived so many of us with this....because it is POWERFUL!!! The love of God will drive us to Truth that will set us free. It gives us a freedom to run to God for forgiveness and healing and joy and the list goes on.

As embarrassing and immature as this sounds, I too often thought of the love of God as mushy or emotional. I would put it more in the context of a boyfriend/girlfriend love or in the context of a relationship that had all of the highs and lows of our emotions. But now I am so unbelievably grateful that I have received the Truth. God's love is POWERFUL. It was and still is the driving force of everything that He has created and ALL that He does on our behalf. I can remember the scripture that I read that seemed to turn the light on for me! It was Isaiah 52:14 which says this: his {Jesus} appearance was so disfigured beyond that of any man and his form marred beyond human likeness-. It is referring to the torture that Jesus went through before going to the cross. And I could remember thinking that He did that for me before He ever even knew that I would say yes to Him and His life. That is a powerful love that He had for us and still has for us today. That He would be beaten beyond human recognition. That is a love that is founded on much, much more than emotions that come and go. Emotions had nothing to do with His love for us that day; it was the heart and plan of God for all of us.

This Truth and revelation of God's love has led me to more and more freedom in my life. But as I write this, I know that I would not be the same without the love of God. I would have stayed defeated, broken, insecure, and unstable. But the love of God has given me hope, expectation, stability, boldness, courage, and even the faith to simply believe. Before the love of God, I was so timid in my life, in my prayers and desires. But now I know that the love of God is my safety net. I can pray boldly, I can expect the miraculous, I can hope and believe for the impossible because I can now trust in a love that I know works mightily on my behalf. I know a love that fights hell for me, that dispatches mighty angles in my defense, a love that pours the blood of Jesus over every area of my life to destroy, undo, loosen, and dissolve the works the devil has done. (1 John 3:8)

My prayer for you is that you come to the place of honesty with God. Faith is not always pretty. It's rarely dressed up in our Sunday best. Faith can cry, hurt, wonder, feel disappointed and lonely. At one time, I thought these were indications that I didn't have enough faith. Now I know otherwise. These are reminders that I am human and live in a broken world that isn't anything like heaven and until heaven, there will be many things that don't seem to fit. But I pray that with each time I don't understand, that God will keep my heart and help me move my faith to a bigger box; one that is larger than the previous one that I had put Him in.

God I love you more than I can explain. I look back at how Your love has led me to so much freedom in my life and how patient and compassionate You have been with me on this journey. This revelation is not the end, it is the beginning for the next place in my life. Without it, I would have fallen hard. Your love God has sustained me. I pray God for truth to come to the body of Christ. I pray that as Your kids, we would be honest with You so that we can find healing. Our questions, hurts, and pains are not signs of lack of faith when we bring them to You. At your feet, they become desperate cries for more faith. We love you Lord and fully expect to see Your glory in the lives of Your children. Amen.