And the greatest of these is love...

Cancer sucks.  I have seen this phrase on bumper stickers and t-shirts.  I used to think that statement was almost rude; borderline distasteful and disrespectful.  I felt that way until I heard the words fall out of my own mouth and I truly never use the word "sucks"...EVER.  But along with cancer comes so many emotions.  Cancer is so much more than chemo and loosing your hair.  Honestly, those are the easy parts.  It's regaining "normal" and the hanging "ifs" and "maybes" that is hard.  It's being away from your family and friends. It's always needing help because of the fatigue.  It's thinking about things you never gave a second thought before like germs, fevers, and rashes.  Before, those would have been little things I would have smacked some cream on or waited out the fever, but now those are things that send me back to the hospital.  And words I had NEVER used in a conversation before are the very words that tickle my fancy now....What are my neutrophils now?  Is my hemoglobin good?  How about my platelets?  Honestly, I didn't even know some of those words until all of this!

From the second that I heard I had leukemia, I automatically went into survival mode. I just wanted to know how to get better.  There were definitely days that I cried.  One particular day stands out in my mind. It was during my first stay in the hospital and the urge to run was so real.  Everything in me wanted to back out of the whole cancer thing.  I didn't want to do it.  Most days I am okay with all of this.  Not that I would ever sign up for it, but I am more than grateful for all that has gone so well.  Even in the ER that first night at Wake Forrest when AML was confirmed, I knew that I had more going for me than against me and I still feel that way. 

But I get mad.  I get frustrated.  And even though I know all the 'right' answers, sometimes it still stinks (I told you, I do not like the other word!).  When I came home from this second round of chemo, Abigail was running a low fever.  To play it safe, I couldn't be around her; I couldn't go home for another 4 days.   It was hard for many reasons and I lost it.  I cried and vented.  It felt good to just be that honest and real....that I was mad at cancer and I hated it.  I let my soul empty itself.  I think I did more than cry, I grieved for things my heart missed so bad. 

"But the greatest of these is love." (1 Corinthians 13:13)  It's greater than hope and it's greater than faith.  Without knowing that God truly loves me, I wouldn't be able to have hope or faith.  If I didn't know that the God I love, loves me right back, I wouldn't be able to trust Him.  I wouldn't be able to cry and get angry and tell Him all that is in my heart.  And I wouldn't be able to have the peace that I have down in my soul.

Without knowing that God loves me, His words would be nothing more than that....words on a page, full of empty promises.  Without His love I would see His words and keep my fingers and toes crossed, hoping that they applied to me.  Without knowing His love for me, I would live in fear; fear of messing up, fear of others, fear that He wouldn't come through for me.  I wouldn't be able to trust Him or His intentions towards me. And that is exactly how I lived out my faith until I settled in my soul that He is good and His love endures.

I am not sure why it's so hard to believe that God loves us.  Maybe it's because of all the "bad" we see around us.  As I look back throughout the Bible, God's plan for us rarely looks like the promise.  Actually, it looks like more "bad" than "good"....UNTL THE END.  Nearly every "hero of faith" in scripture was given a promise.  The promises were amazing; they were going to set nations free, become kings and rulers, and even bring a Savior into the world.  But after the promise, it seemed that things would begin to unravel and a lot of "bad" began to happen.  It would appear that the promises were empty and God didn't follow through. 

And this is why we need to know that God truly loves us.  If not, then we stop too early.  It's knowing His love for us that keeps us believing that what He says is true; that He is faithful.  We get to know how those stories end in the Bible and we can see how the plan is what prepared them for the promise.  I truly wish there was a formula we could apply and then just like that we would know how much He loves us.  Maybe that's why scripture says to work out your own salvation because we all have had things happen that have left us devastated and broke.  And from those things we have to build ourselves back up. 

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us...There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment". (1 John 4:16, 18-20)  When the "bad" comes, we are not being punished for something and it doesn't mean that we have done something and we somehow deserve to be punished.  Instead, we need to keep believing and move forward because God brings beauty from ashes, strength from fear, gladness from mourning, and peace for despair.  He is with us always.  "There is no God like you in heaven or earth- you who keeps your promise of love with your servants who continue wholeheartedly in your way". (2 Chronicles 6:14)

For me, I began a gratitude journal.  I found so much more than a grateful heart. After listing the obvious things in life I was grateful for, I had to keep looking for things to add to my list.  And what happened changed my life and my faith.  It wasn't long afterwards that I didn't have to look for Him, I just saw Him in everything and everywhere.  And in the places where it seemed He wasn't to be found, I knew to look and eventually I would see Him there, too.  From seeing Him in every detail, I found peace and began to trust Him more than ever.  Who would have thought that such a simple thing as gratitude would lead me to love?! So my prayer for myself and you is this:

 "And I pray that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have power together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses all knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."  (Ephesians 3:17-19) In Jesus name. xoxo






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