What I have learned by not homeschooling....
Hindsight is 20/20. As we look back, we can see things without the emotions that are usually tied to being in the thick of things. And that is what I have gained as I look back at our days of homeschooling....I can see it more clearly and I feel that I have gained so much.
When it was in my heart to send our kids to school, I was a mess. I felt confused and couldn't figure out where it was coming from....was I emotional, exhausted? What was making me toy with this idea in such a big way? At the time, things were okay. We were all doing good; the kids were learning, they liked homeschooling, we were making it happen. But more than a year later, I can see so clearly that God was in the midst of all things. He was preparing my family for the days and months ahead. My babies are at a wonderful school where they have been taken care of in more ways than I can say and I am grateful.
Looking back, I not only see the hand of God, but I also see a very insecure girl. I read part of a blog from The Busy Mom that struck a deep cord with me. She said this: "I know what it feels like to be set free from the expectations of others. When I finally decided to stop seeking the approval of others to define my walk with the Lord, it was life changing. It was as if the oxygen in my spiritual life was always at 75%. Enough to keep me alive but not enough to thrive." That was me.
To homeschool is such a personal decision and it's not always for "religious" reasons. I never planned on homeschooling. As a kindergarten teacher, I LOVED to teach and I just started working with my first baby on little things at home. No work sheets. Nothing "formal". We played and had fun and I was amazed at how he was learning just as much as when I "taught" in the classroom. We did preschool at home and when Kindergarten came, we stayed with it. Before I go any further, let me clarify that I am NOT comparing homeschooling with public/private school. That's like comparing apples and oranges. And I am not saying that one decision is better than another. I am just wanting to encourage families by what I have learned because it is tough! So these are a few things I see with more clarity now:
1. Know why you choose to homeschool. This is so important. It will keep you alive during the ugliest of days when you are exhausted, wearing the same pair of sweats for two days in a row, the house is a mess, you feel behind in every way, and that yellow school bus is looking pretty darn good. When you know why you are doing what you are doing, you take the "bad" days for what they are worth, pick yourself up and try again. Your convictions keep you moving. But when you loose sight of why you are doing something, you question everything and its a downhill spiral from there. This is also very important because everyone thinks they know why you homeschool....you are afraid to let your kids out of the house, you fear the bad, you think they will go to hell in a hand basket if you let them go to the dreaded public school, you are trying to keep them in a bubble, you are being over protective, you think homeschooling is "better", your kids will be smarter, and the list goes on. I can remember hearing several of these things and usually from people you would least expect to hear it from. But as I sat and cried one night from an 'ugly' comment, I thought, "I know why everyone thinks I homeschool, but why do I homeschool? What are my own convictions for doing this?" and from there I found my starting point. It will make it easier to brush off the assumptions of others when you know down deep why you are doing what you are doing and it will keep you going when the going gets tough.
2. You cannot compare homeschooling with private or public school. This is a bad way to go! I never questioned myself as a teacher in the classroom, but at home I was afraid of messing up. I couldn't blame things on a bad teacher, because it would have been me!! As a former public school teacher, I nearly killed us all in the beginning trying to recreate a public school day at home. I felt like I wasn't doing enough when my kindergartner was done with "formal" schooling in an hour and a half at most. I thought we still needed circle time, lunch and recess at a certain time. It seriously stressed me out! I also stayed stressed out over the freedom I had as a homeschool teacher, as crazy as that sounds. But as a classroom teacher, I had a fixed schedule. It felt awkward to be able to start when it was good for us, finish when it was good for us, and be outside anytime we wanted. I was taking one of the most beautiful and fun things about homeschooling and stressing out, which leads to my next lesson....
3. Enjoy the freedom of homeschool. You truly can read too much! Let me explain. I read up on so many different curriculum and ways of homeschooling and how to do chore charts and color coded calendars and planners and schedules. I was so overwhelmed that I began to loose the ability to follow my gut instincts and was paralyzed with fear that I was not doing it "right". And there are many wonderful resources for homeschooling and some I still have in my "school closet". But the majority of them, I have thrown away. Reading so much about it, I didn't have a clear vision of what homeschool would look like for us. All of my reading combined made me feel like the kids needed to be waking up to their own alarms at a certain time, making their beds, being dressed and eating breakfast by a certain time, doing chores, starting our school day with the younger ones having their "special box" that could only be used during school time (never figured this one out) and don't forget to have family devotions on a daily basis...the list could go on. You can imagine my disappointment. There is NOTHING wrong with any of these things, but I was so stuck on what it was "supposed" to look like that I threw my own intuition out the window at times out of fear. Let me tell you, you can't mess it up because there are no rules for how this will work for your family. If you don't start school until after lunch when the smaller ones are napping, that is OKAY! If that's when you are the least pressed and stressed, then you will enjoy it more, your kids will enjoy it more, and you will get more done in less time. One of my favorite memories of homeschooling was when Jacob and I were up at 11:30 at night doing a science project. We were so tired and laughed at everything!!
4. You do not have to cover every subject, every day, or even every week for that matter. And your kids will not be learning the same material at the same time as their buddies in private or public school. This doesn't mean that your kid is behind or ahead. It simply means you are covering things at a different time and in a different order. And in public school, some subjects are not covered at all for more than 6 weeks at a time. But let your kid learn at their own pace. Do not get caught up in your child being 2 grades above grade level or trying to prove to others that you all are rocking this homeschool thing. It will suck the life and joy out of it all. Let your kids be kids. Let them excel at what they are good at and be patient with what they are not...it will all come together.
5. Kids do and learn "nothing" in public school, too. So don't panic when your child tells someone this. Oh the times that Jacob would be asked what he did in school and he would say "nothing" or "we didn't do school today". Those comments took me to my knees every time! But they are in school now and they will still say they didn't do anything. And for whatever reason, you will find the occasional grown up that likes to "quiz" homeschool kids. I guess they are trying to see if they are really learning; I am not sure. But countless times Jacob would be asked to read something random or asked a random question. My heart would fill up with pride if he nailed it and I would feel like a complete failure if he didn't. Shame on me! That goes back to know why you do what you do, embrace the freedom and pace of homeschooling, knowing you are on your own time frame.
6. Everyday is not going to be epic. Memories do not have to be made with every lesson. Not every lesson has to be hands-on, fun, or exciting. Its just as valuable that they learn to do their best on the "boring" stuff. I had this big idea of sitting on the couch reading with all the kids....more times than not, I would start to feel claustrophobic with everyone piled on me and maybe the youngest was trying to rip the pages, the middle child was talking about the pictures, and the oldest was complaining that he couldn't hear anything. So, when you get those moments that make you feel like superwoman, LOVE it. Embrace it. Hold onto it. But don't strive for it everyday or think that should be your "norm". As a family, you will get on each others nerves, get mad at each other, and need your space. That's okay; good grief, that is normal. But that's how you and your kids learn to love and walk the walk and talk the talk of your faith in real life.
7. Homeschool is not a guarantee. It will not guarantee their salvation, their success, or that they will avoid the pitfalls of life. Never put that kind of pressure on yourself. These goals and expectations are a work of the heart regardless of the type of schooling your child receives. I am still confused when people make comments of homeschooling families, that if you protect them too much, they will rebel. I wasn't homeschooled and I rebelled. I had "freedoms" and still made some really bad choices. There is no vaccine against sin; it's not like a little exposure to the bad will keep you from wanting to do it. It is an issue of the heart. But I do believe we are to guard the hearts and minds of our children, regardless. I believe the only guarantee we have is the Word of God over our lives and the lives of our babies. So don't let others plant that seed of doubt in you that your kids will go "wild" when they get any freedom all because you homeschooled them.
8. Your kids will know how to function in public. The number one thing I heard over and over is how people want their kids to be socialized. Just to brag on my kids, when they went to public school on the first day, they walked in as if they had always been there. And they didn't even start on the first day; they started in November. They were confident. They knew other kids. Its not like my kids were in a shell and blossomed once they were in school. Honestly, in the beginning, it felt like they became more reserved. And I even got asked how they would have boyfriends and girlfriends or if they would miss the Prom if they were homeschooled...IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!! Seriously, this was not and still is not on my radar of things I hope for in my elementary aged kids. Learning how to work together and be a part of a group or community is a part of maturing. Your kids will learn this from being part of a family, from sports, from church, and so many other opportunities. And if for some reason your kid does something completely crazy in public, make it a teachable moment and go on. This is because they are kids, not because they have never been socialized.
To sum it up, there is no perfect scenario. There are pros and cons to any choice of schooling, whether home, private, or public. And parenting is hard and we have to be intentional about it no matter what. I have taken what I have learned from looking back and have applied it too life and parenting in general. I have only shared weaknesses here, but there was definitely more good than bad during that season. I am so grateful for the opportunity we had to homeschool. I literally have no regrets. Would I be different and approach it different? YES! That's why I wrote this. To hopefully bring encouragement to another mom. I pray this will lift the burden off of someone's shoulders. I pray it will begin to allow you to thrive and not just survive as you are able to finally take a deep breath of fresh air. No doubt, homeschooling is hard. My goodness, parenting is hard! It is a huge commitment, but I pray you will not try to put your day in a box, but that you will go with your instincts throughout the day...that my sweet friend is the voice of God leading you!
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