I feel like I am just starting to grieve again from this last year. Even as I look back to the day I was diagnosed, I never really grieved. I cried for sure and it's not like I was holding back. I just had one thing on my mind..."What do I have to do to get better?". That day and several days after, I cried and I cried hard. But even on the way to Wake Forest the day we got the news, I was still "okay". And in the ER when the diagnosis was confirmed, I was still "okay". When I say "okay", it's not like I didn't have a care in the world because I did.....
I remember them taking me up to my room that would be "home" for the next 4-6 weeks. Jack had gone out to get us something to eat. I sat down on the bed, hugged that pillow and sobbed. Naturally when you hear the word cancer, you think of dying. And I sat and thought about Jack and the kids. Would I be here to love them unconditionally? Would I be here to raise them? To pour into them? Would Jack and I be able to travel in our RV (that we dream of getting one day)? Would we have years of laying in the bed and holding hands? Yes, I thought about death and I didn't want it; I didn't want it for my babies, for Jack, for my family.
That's why I went into survival mode I think. I just wanted to get better. So I didn't allow myself to let my mind wonder. I stayed focused on keeping God's Word as my hope and my expectation. No, it was not a front. I still felt anger, sadness, frustration, and fear. I still got so mad I would throw things and I would even yell just to get rid of what I was feeling. But I was on a mission...to get better and live the rest of life. So I would rant and rave, pick myself up, and start again.
But I grieve in spurts I think. I don't know why other than I just didn't allow myself to give into any part of cancer. And not more than a year from diagnosis and nearly 10 months post transplant, I feel another wave of grief...like I could loose it. I guess in letting my guard down, I realize what really happened.
Did I ever ask God "why me"? Honestly, not really. I remember in the ER I thought "Why not me? I have more going for me than most. I am young, otherwise healthy, I have amazing family support and I have my faith-I have my Jesus". I think my questions were more "How much longer?" and "When will this get easier or better?"
In September 2013, I was in the hospital for a week for a booster chemo treatment. I remember one morning at 2am, they hooked me up to a round of chemo and I felt such anxiety. The room was dark, and Jack was on the couch beside of me. That night I did grieve and I grieved because I knew this was going to be a long journey. I knew this wasn't going to be over soon. I wanted to run and just not do any of it. I didn't want to go through it. But like all of this, I had no choice other than the choice of how I was going to go through it.
Now the lingering side effects of transplant seem to be chipping away at me. All of it still feels like it's just taking its sweet time- even growing out my hair is slow! Maybe it's time to rest....
"Like a tree, a woman can't carry the weight of two seasons simultaneously. In the violent struggle of trying, she'll miss every bit of joy each season promises to bring."~Lysa Terkeurst
For so long, you can be stuck between eternally grateful and completely aggravated. You have these emotions, but it's hard to actually feel them sometimes because you are so grateful for life and all that has gone so well. But it's time for me to rest in knowing that God knows my heart and He knows that I am more than grateful. It's time to see the promises of this season unfold because all along, I have believed down in my soul that there would be beauty for ashes.
"He has made everything beautiful in it's time"~ Ecclesiastes 3:11
One day not long after transplant, I sent the kids out the door to one of their activities. I got so angry. I was so tired of sending them places and never being able to go with them. I had a massive breakdown and that day, I grieved again. I did the ugly cry. You know the one... in the floor, shoulders shaking, and sounds coming from me that would have put a dying animal to shame,. But as I got quiet from sheer exhaustion, down in my heart I heard this: "Keep obeying me. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and when this is over, you will have gained more than you have ever lost."~sweet words from my Savior. The only One who could save me. The only One who knew the grief down in my heart. He knew my heart was broke from so many things and I didn't have to try and explain it. I knew that day that He just knew.
So I think it's time to rest in the knowing. Its' time to soak up all that this season has brought me and my family. It's time to accept the season and before you panic and think, "She's throwing in the towel", I am not saying to accept any part of cancer or recovery. I still pray and believe. But the truth is, no matter what, this is something we have had to walk through and nothing can change that. Honestly, even before transplant the doctors kept telling me to give post transplant at least a year. I am not quiet there and I still fight every part of this tooth and nail. Again, it's time to rest....
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace." ~Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
So how do we know the season we are in? How do we know the "time"? This comes from a relationship with Christ. David said in Psalms that God confides in those that trust in Him. The more we read His Word, the more we pray and talk to Him, the more we take notice of Him around us, the more comfortable and familiar with hearing His voice we will become.
There are so many ways to hear His voice and His heart for us. God is so complex and like us, He likes diversity. We can hear His voice as we sing songs that remind us of Him. We can hear His voice in nature, just being quiet and seeing the beauty around us. We can hear His voice by writing in journals and if you are not comfortable with "writing", start with making a list; a list of gratitude, a list of prayers. But make time with Him a priority. Spend time with others that can encourage your faith. Read books that help you understand scripture or lets you hear how others have walked out their faith. Participate in Bible studies that help you find truth in His word. Read scripture, write down verses that mean something to you. Pray those words and if they are words you can act on, act on them!
If you go to the top of the blog and click the link "Beautiful You", you will find some great books and devotionals that have impacted my faith and kept me in His Word. The list is short for now because I am just starting the page, but I hope to give you lots of resources in the days ahead.
God, I am eternally grateful. I pray that you will help me and others to hear Your voice Lord and to know the season that we are in. I pray that we will be confident and have a deep knowing in our souls of the "timing" of our seasons. And in that knowing, I pray that we will not fight it with guilt or in vain, but that we will find rest; rest in You. And Lord, thank you that You truly do give beauty for ashes and You do make things beautiful in it's time. Speak to our hearts with words of wisdom, comfort, strength and healing. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.
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