Beautiful in it's time...

I feel like I am just starting to grieve again from this last year.  Even as I look back to the day I was diagnosed, I never really grieved.  I cried for sure and it's not like I was holding back.  I just had one thing on my mind..."What do I have to do to get better?".  That day and several days after, I cried and I cried hard.  But even on the way to Wake Forest the day we got the news, I was still "okay".   And in the ER when the diagnosis was confirmed, I was still "okay".  When I say "okay", it's not like I didn't have a care in the world because I did.....

I remember them taking me up to my room that would be "home" for the next 4-6 weeks.  Jack had gone out to get us something to eat. I sat down on the bed, hugged that pillow and sobbed.  Naturally when you hear the word cancer, you think of dying.  And I sat and thought about Jack and the kids.  Would I be here to love them unconditionally?  Would I be here to raise them? To pour into them?  Would Jack and I be able to travel in our RV (that we dream of getting one day)?  Would we have years of laying in the bed and holding hands?  Yes, I thought about death and I didn't want it; I didn't want it for my babies, for Jack, for my family.

That's why I went into survival mode I think.  I just wanted to get better.  So I didn't allow myself to let my mind wonder.  I stayed focused on keeping God's Word as my hope and my expectation.  No, it was not a front.  I still felt anger, sadness, frustration, and fear.  I still got so mad I would throw things and I would even yell just to get rid of what I was feeling.  But I was on a mission...to get better and live the rest of life.  So I would rant and rave, pick myself up, and start again.

But I grieve in spurts I think.  I don't know why other than I just didn't allow myself to give into any part of cancer.  And not more than a year from diagnosis and nearly 10 months post transplant, I feel another wave of grief...like I could loose it.  I guess in letting my guard down, I realize what really happened.

Did I ever ask God "why me"?  Honestly, not really.  I remember in the ER I thought "Why not me? I have more going for me than most.  I am young, otherwise healthy, I have amazing family support and I have my faith-I have my Jesus".  I think my questions were more "How much longer?" and "When will this get easier or better?"

In September 2013, I was in the hospital for a week for a booster chemo treatment.  I remember one morning at 2am, they hooked me up to a round of chemo and I felt such anxiety.  The room was dark, and Jack was on the couch beside of me.  That night I did grieve and I grieved because I knew this was going to be a long journey.  I knew this wasn't going to be over soon.  I wanted to run and just not do any of it.  I didn't want to go through it.  But like all of this, I had no choice other than the choice of how I was going to go through it.

Now the lingering side effects of transplant seem to be chipping away at me.  All of it still feels like it's just taking its sweet time- even growing out my hair is slow!  Maybe it's time to rest....

"Like a tree, a woman can't carry the weight of two seasons simultaneously.  In the violent struggle of trying, she'll miss every bit of joy each season promises to bring."~Lysa Terkeurst

For so long, you can be stuck between eternally grateful and completely aggravated.  You have these emotions, but it's hard to actually feel them sometimes because you are so grateful for life and all that has gone so well.   But it's time for me to rest in knowing that God knows my heart and He knows that I am more than grateful.  It's time to see the promises of this season unfold because all along, I have believed down in my soul that there would be beauty for ashes.

"He has made everything beautiful in it's time"~ Ecclesiastes 3:11

One day not long after transplant, I sent the kids out the door to one of their activities.  I got so angry.  I was so tired of sending them places and never being able to go with them.  I had a massive breakdown and that day, I grieved again.  I did the ugly cry.  You know the one... in the floor, shoulders shaking, and sounds coming from me that would have put a dying animal to shame,.  But as I got quiet from sheer exhaustion, down in my heart I heard this:  "Keep obeying me.  Keep putting one foot in front of the other and when this is over, you will have gained more than you have ever lost."~sweet words from my Savior.  The only One who could save me.  The only One who knew the grief down in my heart.  He knew my heart was broke from so many things and I didn't have to try and explain it.  I knew that day that He just knew.

So I think it's time to rest in the knowing.  Its' time to soak up all that this season has brought me and my family.  It's time to accept the season and before you panic and think, "She's throwing in the towel", I am not saying to accept any part of cancer or recovery. I still pray and believe.  But the truth is, no matter what, this is something we have had to walk through and nothing can change that.  Honestly, even before transplant the doctors kept telling me to give post transplant at least a year.  I am not quiet there and I still fight every part of this tooth and nail.  Again, it's time to rest....

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:  a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace." ~Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

So how do we know the season we are in?  How do we know the "time"?  This comes from a relationship with Christ. David said in Psalms that God confides in those that trust in Him.  The more we read His Word, the more we pray and talk to Him, the more we take notice of Him around us, the more comfortable and familiar with hearing His voice we will become.

There are so many ways to hear His voice and His heart for us.  God is so complex and like us, He likes diversity.  We can hear His voice as we sing songs that remind us of Him.  We can hear His voice in nature, just being quiet and seeing the beauty around us.  We can hear His voice by writing in journals and if you are not comfortable with "writing", start with making a list; a list of gratitude, a list of prayers.  But make time with Him a priority. Spend time with others that can encourage your faith.  Read books that help you understand scripture or lets you hear how others have walked out their faith.  Participate in Bible studies that help you find truth in His word.  Read scripture, write down verses that mean something to you.  Pray those words and if they are words you can act on, act on them!

If you go to the top of the blog and click the link "Beautiful You", you will find some great books and devotionals that have impacted my faith and kept me in His Word.  The list is short for now because I am just starting the page, but I hope to give you lots of resources in the days ahead.

God, I am eternally grateful.  I pray that you will help me and others to hear Your voice Lord and to know the season that we are in.  I pray that we will be confident and have a deep knowing in our souls of the "timing" of our seasons.  And in that knowing, I pray that we will not fight it with guilt or in vain, but that we will find rest; rest in You.   And Lord, thank you that You truly do give beauty for ashes and You do make things beautiful in it's time.  Speak to our hearts with words of wisdom, comfort, strength and healing.  In Jesus' name I pray.  Amen.

I Just Ran Out of Gas!

Sometimes we are tired.  We are broken. We are just empty.  There are no more words that you can say other than, "I am done!".  We just don't feel like we have what it takes spiritually, mentally, physically or emotionally to keep up the pace or the fight.

This is exactly how I felt as I left my oncology appointment at Wake Forest on Friday.  My heart was just broke and I was just tired.  I found out that I now have graft versus host disease (GVHD) in my lungs and it's still not fully healed in my eyes.  It's not a horrible case and it's not permanent; it could be much worse.   But like all of this cancer stuff, it will take time.  There have been no quick fixes or easy solutions.  There is nothing that I can do to make things go any faster.  I just have to follow directions and WAIT....

Waiting is not uncommon ground to a follower of Christ, or anyone for that matter.  All throughout scripture we read of waiting and trials, but it is ALWAYS with purpose.  Now don't get me wrong....my panties were in a wad and God was the first one to know about it.  He is the first to get my broken heart and my broken pieces.  Life is not always fireworks and God doesn't expect us to always bring Him our "most glorious, most amazing self".  He just expects us to come.  "The Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion.  For the Lord is a God of justice.  Blessed are all who wait for Him!" (Isaiah 30:18)

So I poured out my heart to God...He knew what was in there anyways.  But this letting it rip with God is what makes us close...  "Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith....Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess for He who promised is faithful..." (Hebrews 10:22-23)  God wants our sincere hearts, He wants us to draw near to Him, He longs to be gracious to us and to show us compassion; we are blessed through our waiting!

Waiting...a place that most of us avoid like the plague.  Most of the time I can't wait to pass this season so I can get on to the "good stuff".  But waiting isn't the "bad" place that I tend to think of it as and in reality, it is where we find the "good stuff".  It is where we find perseverance, character, and hope. It matures our faith.   It can bring out the worst in us, but this allows God to create the best in us.  Because honestly, waiting can make us crazy...we can grow horns, talk crazy, and abandon ship with our faith.  I have found the craziest things in my heart while I have been waiting...things I would not have seen otherwise; anger, jealousy, envy, judgmental and prideful thoughts.  But my goodness where would I be if God let my sinful nature keep hiding down in my soul?  Not only would I stay the same, but so would my faith and my knowledge of Him.  And I don't want this to be it for my faith.  I want Him to keep coming into my life, making it full, and making Himself more and more a reality in my life. But we can become so desperate during the waiting that we can go from looking for a burning bush to "Hey, I just saw a spark from a lighter!  This is it!".  All because we want something new, something different; ANY type of activity that shows we are moving forward and that we are not stuck.   And it can also wear us out.  But this is not the time to give up or give in with our hope, our faith, our desires.  That approach will take us nowhere and give us only more of the same.

 "Wisdom makes decisions today that will still be good tomorrow"~Lysa Terkeurst 

This is why we have to keep our heads in the game, with or without the emotions we think we should have.  After I let it rip, I didn't feel warm fuzzies and I didn't feel like it was all better.  Actually, I still felt tired and exhausted.   To be honest, I still felt ticked off.  Not because this happened to "me", but because I am tired.  I am tired of this being my life after more than a year.  And from the outside, it's like things are becoming normal again, but that's a hard place to define anymore.  Normal....some parts of that I long for in my life and other parts of what that meant for me, I never want to return to.  So, I am in a strange place.  After more than a year of cancer and recovery being your life, it's like you have to figure out how you want to live out this new opportunity.  I assumed that as I neared the end of recovery, I would just fall back into my old life like nothing happened.  But that is just not possible.  Because something did happen and we all have been affected by it; we have all been changed. But after giving God my heart, my sincere honest heart,  I had a "knowing".  I know that God has heard my cries, I know that He is with me, I know that He cares for me, I know that He loves me and longs to pour Himself out to me.  I know that He is faithful and is always for me.  I  know that He will give me the grace and strength that I need.  I know that He still gives beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning and peace for despair.  I know that His joy is down in my soul and it is my strength.  And in this knowing I can rest....

 In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength." ~Isaiah 30:15

My breath of fresh air!  Repentance, rest, salvation, quietness, trust and strength.  As I wait, I will continue to keep my heart turned towards Him.  I will draw closer to Him by exposing my heart to Him, healing and moving on.  I can rest that my soul is good with Him.  My strength will be found in quietness and trust...in relying on "my knowings" that I mentioned before.  I don't have to come up with something new here...I just need to rest in His heart for me.  I believe that these are keys to waiting with grace; waiting with evidence that He is always at work and always for me. 

His Treasured Possession

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."  Isaiah 43:2

When I first read these words during a Bible study, they were meant to give comfort.  The intent was to give us confidence in our God.  Instead, it scared me to death.  The only words I picked up on were flooding waters and something about me catching on fire.  I didn't want to go through water or fire, regardless of who was going to be with me.  I didn't find the love of God in these words at that time and I never made it to verse 4 which says, "Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you".  I had missed out on those words, and therefore, missed out on a beautiful thing.


In that same Bible study, we were asked a few questions about our faith.  I was checking 9's and 10's (ten being the highest) and I seriously chuckle at that now!  I finished my questions and felt confused.  Why in the world were my questions of faith getting such high scores, but my everyday life was so different?  And why in the world had one scripture that was suppose to bring comfort, bring me to the point of needing a brown paper bag?  It was because I knew the "right" answers, but His love and His Word had not consumed my heart yet. They had not become my reality.  I had not been through those waters or that fire that would reveal His love for me.

As long as we live on earth, we will have our fair share of problems.  Remember, we are at war here; this is not our home.  It sounds crazy, but there are spiritual battles fought everyday for our souls. This world is not His perfect plan. Not only did God know this, Christ prays for us and our faith...

"They are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one".  John 17:14-15

"I have prayed for you Simon, that your faith may not fail."  Luke 22:32

"Jesus is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them."  Hebrews 7:25


His love for us never fails; from the beginning He has always been driven by His love for us.  Ephesians 1 tells us that in love He chose us before the creation of the world to one day say yes to Him and His salvation; to make us His sons and daughters. In this chapter of Ephesians you will hear words and phrases such as predestined, His good pleasure, glorious grace, the riches of His grace, lavishing grace, purposed and God's possession.  All of these things are pertaining to us!! And He says this about us with all wisdom and understanding (Ephesians 1:8); knowing who we are and what we are not.

God does not choose us or set His affections on us because we are great.  He does it because He truly loves us.  "He is the faithful God, keeping his covenant (promise) of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments".  (Deuteronomy 7:7-9) Did you catch that?  A covenant of love...!

I have wondered why its so hard to truly believe in this love.  Maybe because of this botched up world that we live in where things happen that just don't make sense. Maybe it's because we don't like certain things about ourselves or let's be honest....sometimes we just don't like other people. So believing in this crazy love from an invisible God seems well, crazy.  But "{Jesus Christ} is the image of the invisible God...and in him all things hold together", including our faith. (Colossians 1:15,17)  Jesus is our image of God and He is the Word made flesh.  So to begin to know Him and this love, we have to begin to know His Word; it is here we will find the heart of God.

So this is my prayer for you and me...
"I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all of the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God".  (Ephesians 3:17-19) and "be confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion". (Philippians 1:6)  Just start...He is faithful and He is waiting on you!