Sometimes we are tired. We are broken. We are just empty. There are no more words that you can say other than, "I am done!". We just don't feel like we have what it takes spiritually, mentally, physically or emotionally to keep up the pace or the fight.
This is exactly how I felt as I left my oncology appointment at Wake Forest on Friday. My heart was just broke and I was just tired. I found out that I now have graft versus host disease (GVHD) in my lungs and it's still not fully healed in my eyes. It's not a horrible case and it's not permanent; it could be much worse. But like all of this cancer stuff, it will take time. There have been no quick fixes or easy solutions. There is nothing that I can do to make things go any faster. I just have to follow directions and WAIT....
Waiting is not uncommon ground to a follower of Christ, or anyone for that matter. All throughout scripture we read of waiting and trials, but it is ALWAYS with purpose. Now don't get me wrong....my panties were in a wad and God was the first one to know about it. He is the first to get my broken heart and my broken pieces. Life is not always fireworks and God doesn't expect us to always bring Him our "most glorious, most amazing self". He just expects us to come. "The Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him!" (Isaiah 30:18)
So I poured out my heart to God...He knew what was in there anyways. But this letting it rip with God is what makes us close... "Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith....Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess for He who promised is faithful..." (Hebrews 10:22-23) God wants our sincere hearts, He wants us to draw near to Him, He longs to be gracious to us and to show us compassion; we are blessed through our waiting!
Waiting...a place that most of us avoid like the plague. Most of the time I can't wait to pass this season so I can get on to the "good stuff". But waiting isn't the "bad" place that I tend to think of it as and in reality, it is where we find the "good stuff". It is where we find perseverance, character, and hope. It matures our faith. It can bring out the worst in us, but this allows God to create the best in us. Because honestly, waiting can make us crazy...we can grow horns, talk crazy, and abandon ship with our faith. I have found the craziest things in my heart while I have been waiting...things I would not have seen otherwise; anger, jealousy, envy, judgmental and prideful thoughts. But my goodness where would I be if God let my sinful nature keep hiding down in my soul? Not only would I stay the same, but so would my faith and my knowledge of Him. And I don't want this to be it for my faith. I want Him to keep coming into my life, making it full, and making Himself more and more a reality in my life. But we can become so desperate during the waiting that we can go from looking for a burning bush to "Hey, I just saw a spark from a lighter! This is it!". All because we want something new, something different; ANY type of activity that shows we are moving forward and that we are not stuck. And it can also wear us out. But this is not the time to give up or give in with our hope, our faith, our desires. That approach will take us nowhere and give us only more of the same.
"Wisdom makes decisions today that will still be good tomorrow"~Lysa Terkeurst
This is why we have to keep our heads in the game, with or without the emotions we think we should have. After I let it rip, I didn't feel warm fuzzies and I didn't feel like it was all better. Actually, I still felt tired and exhausted. To be honest, I still felt ticked off. Not because this happened to "me", but because I am tired. I am tired of this being my life after more than a year. And from the outside, it's like things are becoming normal again, but that's a hard place to define anymore. Normal....some parts of that I long for in my life and other parts of what that meant for me, I never want to return to. So, I am in a strange place. After more than a year of cancer and recovery being your life, it's like you have to figure out how you want to live out this new opportunity. I assumed that as I neared the end of recovery, I would just fall back into my old life like nothing happened. But that is just not possible. Because something did happen and we all have been affected by it; we have all been changed. But after giving God my heart, my sincere honest heart, I had a "knowing". I know that God has heard my cries, I know that He is with me, I know that He cares for me, I know that He loves me and longs to pour Himself out to me. I know that He is faithful and is always for me. I know that He will give me the grace and strength that I need. I know that He still gives beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning and peace for despair. I know that His joy is down in my soul and it is my strength. And in this knowing I can rest....
In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength." ~Isaiah 30:15
My breath of fresh air! Repentance, rest, salvation, quietness, trust and strength. As I wait, I will continue to keep my heart turned towards Him. I will draw closer to Him by exposing my heart to Him, healing and moving on. I can rest that my soul is good with Him. My strength will be found in quietness and trust...in relying on "my knowings" that I mentioned before. I don't have to come up with something new here...I just need to rest in His heart for me. I believe that these are keys to waiting with grace; waiting with evidence that He is always at work and always for me.
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