Ouch....I need a band-aide and a big one! In the beginning, I really believed that my journey was simply an issue with my faith...you know, something 'more spritual' than bringing my flesh under control! Don't get me wrong, spiritual strongholds have certainly been exposed and many defeated! But I think I was looking for more of a spiritual revelation that would somehow lift me out of my flesh and bring me to the place where I could see God better and not so much the discipline required to overcome the flesh!

Revelations do change things; after we have them, we can't help but see things differently. However, I am learning that it is the choices we have to make after the revelations that will bring change. It's choosing our spirits over our flesh that is so painful, but it is the very thing that will take us forward. Dying to my flesh has literally brought me to tears at times; part from the Truth that has been spoken to me, but more so from the frustration of actually having to do it!

Life doesn't seem that 'spiritual', but it is. Everyday, in everything we do, we are spiritual beings in a fleshly body. Although I have certainly tried in some areas of my life, I cannot separate the spiritual from the everyday, no matter how mundane the everyday seems. Just this week, I was faced with a very normal everyday experience. However, it is an experience that ruffles my feathers nearly every time I encounter it. As I am learning, I took it to God in prayer!! Let me just say that I was very angry and hurt and without looking up either of these words in the concordance of my Bible, this is where I was led: James 1:19-22. Let me share with you what it says so that maybe you can get a chuckle out of it with me!!

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.

At the time, I was ticked off and being slow to speak and slow to become angry, and all the other right things I knew to do, did not seem like the best solution! I was tired of doing the 'right thing' because to be completely honest here, sometimes that just feels like people get off the hook too easily. (By the way, that is one embarrassing confession!). But I pressed on, even confessing this to God! Just remember, He wants us to break before Him, so He can heal us and free us from these very things that trip us up over and over again! Through my time with God, I truly believe that He said some of my prayers and requests simply could not be answered. He cannot and will not feed my flesh and that is where much of my requests were coming from. I can't get frustrated with God or my faith and say it isn't working, or His word is not coming to pass in my life when I am wanting my flesh to feel better instead of my spirit to grow. As painful and practical as it is, I just have to humbly accept God's word. I must become submissive to it. Eventually my spirit will win because He is greater than anything in this world and my flesh is weak. My flesh can't hold up under pressure for long!

However, God's love doesn't end with an "I told you so". As I read on in James, chapter 1 verse 5 says, "But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it-he will be blessed". I have read this several times, and each time I do I seem to notice something else in it's words. This is so encouraging and truly brings my heart closer to the love and obedience that God is wanting....the kind that chooses Him simply because of who He is in our lives and His heart for us. He doesn't ask anything of us that is not for our good. When he tells us to be slow to speak and slow to anger, or anything else for that matter, it is not so we can look the part of the nice Christian. It is to give us freedom!! Freedom from what? For me, it is freedom from my flesh and being led by my emotions, from being easily offended, from worrying about what others think and say, and other things that seem to trip me up unnecessarily over and over again. But read the verse again...the freedom and blessing do not come by knowing the right thing to do. They come by continually looking in the word for Truth and then doing it! No joke, this is difficult and painful at times! But what good is there in feeding our flesh? It is simply asking for more of the same thing. Our faith becomes real, God becomes more visible, and His Word becomes Truth to us as we do what it says, regardless of how sure we are that it is not the better way for our given situation or how we would be justified otherwise! LOL

God I pray that we will humbly accept the word that you put into our hands, our hearts, and our lives. It will save us from ourselves and bring us freedom and blessing as we do it. Lord forgive us for the times that we have chosen something other than your Word and then questioned Your presence in our lives or the validity of what You say. God, Your heart towards us is nothing but love. I pray for strength, humility, courage, and the perseverance that it will take to overcome my flesh and allow my spirit to grow. Perseverance must finish its work so that we may be mature and COMPLETE, not lacking anything. (James 1:4) As I see your heart for me in Your Word, I feel my spirit growing stronger. I want You more than any fleeting satisfaction that can come from doing what my flesh wants. God, thank you for this love! In Jesus' name.

As you can tell from my last two blogs, I have had some serious work done!! But this process has actually revived me and my faith and it is only the beginning! I truly feel so grateful for these couple of weeks and what God is doing in my heart and life. Just as I was reading Psalm 103 this morning, I related to these words of truth in a new and personal way.

The chapter begins with telling us to praise God with all that is within us and to bless His name. It instructs us not to forget what all He has done in our lives and what He wants to do, such as forgive all our sins, heal all our diseases, redeem our lives from the pit, crown us with love and compassion, and satisfy our desires with good things. But this morning I read verse 5 in a new light. Why does He want to do these things for us? So our youth is renewed like the eagle's!
(v. 5) I love this! This is exactly what I have experienced over the last couple of days; a renewal in my mind and in my heart. I have felt a fresh faith and a fresh hope. I have been so blessed to feel His presence and see Him in the everyday routines. I have felt His love.

When we are forgiven, healed, redeemed, shown love and compassion, and have our desires met with good things, we are no longer under the weight of our mess and our bondage. So what keeps us from turning to God for these things? For me, I think I simply owned everything I thought and felt has my own problem. Either I needed to quit thinking certain things or I needed to just have more faith or whatever other solution that I could come up with. Anything but going to God with ALL of me~ especially the things I couldn't make sense of or the things that I knew weren't right, but I couldn't figure them out. But as I read Psalms, I gained a new understanding of His heart towards me; towards all of His children.

"The Lord works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed...He is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love...He does not treat us our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him...As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust." ~Psalm 103:6, 8, 10-11, 13-14

I hope so bad that you can hear His heart and see His intentions towards us. Regardless of why or how we are oppressed, He has compassion on us and wants to redeem us. So many times we are afraid to turn to God because we feel like whatever we are going through is our fault or our problem. We treat our sins as if we can make them go away by simply doing more or doing better. Therefore, we feel like we deserve whatever mess or bondage that we are in and we stay there. Make no mistake, we will reap what we sow. But even during the reaping, God is with us to encourage us, build us up, and give us strength to go through it and move on.

I can promise you that as God has searched me and exposed sin in my heart, I have felt shocked, humbled, and drained. I have felt sad and broken that I could have such ugly things in my heart, but I have yet to feel condemned, ashamed, or unworthy. It was actually the 'ugly' stuff that was making me feel those things-not God. God doesn't want us to break before Him and then leave us to pick up the pieces. He doesn't want us to feel burdened and guilty and tired from the sin in our lives. He doesn't even point a finger at us and blame us. I just have to tell you how amazed I am at His heart for us! God doesn't discipline us and correct us and then leave us to feel bad about it; He doesn't expect us to even fix the problem all alone. Instead, He corrects us so that we can be renewed and refreshed. Read Psalm 103 for yourself. No where will you find a harsh distant God that wants to 'crack the whip' and make you feel condemned for what is in your heart. He only wants to lead you to repentance and He will love you the entire way!

I am at the very beginnings of my journey. It's not like God has revealed areas of my heart that needed repentance and healing and I am now 'fixed'. No, the areas that have been exposed will take commitment from me on a daily basis. My victory will require me choosing life over and over again, on a daily basis, in my daily life. But what I am so amazed by is the fact that God is showing His love to me as if I have already arrived!! That is what I want to share with you to encourage you to trust God enough to be completely honest. Even though He has shown me tough love, He has blessed me with such an awareness of His love and presence in my life. I believe He has done this so I would not grow weary and quit. Feeling His presence the way I have for the last few days has been such an encouragement to me. It has motivated me to keep going forward and not giving into my old ways of thinking and doing. Instead, I want more of this! I want this love to be more and more common in my life instead of always searching for it through the mess. His love excites me and gives me the strength to press through.

I wish so badly that I could always 'feel' His presence the way that I do now, but I know that we go through different seasons in our walk with God. He says that He will never leave us or forsake us and He means that for ALL times, but it is just like God to let us feel Him in such tangible ways as we go through times of correction! Don't stay where you are because you feel like you made the mess, so you have to fix it. God loves you passionately and desperately. His heart for you is good. Allow Him the chance to love on you~ ALL of you~and not just the parts that seem good enough. He loves us through the process of healing and repentance; not just after.

God, I am so amazed at Your love and this is only the beginning! I thank you that don't treat us as our sins deserve, but You truly love us and desire to see us free. I know that this may only be a season, the way I feel You now, but I know the effects of it will be with me for a lifetime. I love you God and thank You so much that you always want us to be free, regardless of the situation. I pray God that we will no longer buy into the lies that keep us from you; lies that keep us in bondage and keep us from turning to our only true hope for change: YOU! I love you more than I can say! In Jesus' name.

The Truth that sets us free...

"I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know the love that surpasses knowledge -that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." ~Ephesians 3:17-19

This is the desire of my heart and the purpose of my journey. This all started when I asked God to search me and know me, to lead me and guide me to the place where He dwells, and to give me truth in my innermost being. I knew this would require me to get real, but wow-truth lately has come in the form of horse pills, which are very hard to swallow! Even in contemplating whether or not to even write this blog, I had to remember that this is not about me and my old ways of thinking and doing and it has absolutely nothing to do with what others will think, if they will judge me, or if they will understand. No, this is about God's glory in my life; this is about Him finally being able to do something with me!LOL

With knowing God's love, comes a peace that I have only read about; a peace that I need so desperately in my life. For those who know me best, they may describe me as a worry-wart. I tend to worry about nearly everything. However, I have done this for so long that I don't even consider it worrying. Actually, I can be very defensive about people telling me that I am worrying when I feel like I'm just thinking! But the truth is that I do worry regardless of what other name I try to give it. Like Winnie-the-Pooh, I think, think, think. I think about what could happen, what should happen, and what if nothing happens at all?! I think about what people may think or say, if they understood what I was trying to say, and what are they 'really' saying?! Even in decisions that I believe with everything in me that God has called me to make, I can still make myself crazy insane wondering how it will work, why He asked it of me, and why other people don't understand. So you can see now why this blog is such a huge leap of faith for me, but one that I am very grateful for and excited about because Truth is setting me free!

I found the remedy for my worry in Philippians 4:6-7: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus". I have known this scripture for a long time now, but it never seemed 'to work' for me. It sounded nice on paper and was a great scripture to quote to someone else who was worrying, but as a worrier myself, it was merely knowledge of what I needed to do and what should happen: pray and get peace. What I am learning in this process is that if God's principle's are not 'working' in my life, there is usually a reason. In this particular situation, this prayer in exchange for peace never came to fruition in my life because I was only truly releasing those things that I didn't have a tight grip on in the first place! It's easy to pray and give God those things that haven't become strongholds in our lives; those things that could really come or go in our lives or those things that we feel we have some sort of control over in the end. But the things that cause me the most problems are the things that I grip so tightly that they have virtually become a part of who I am. Like my worry; I have done it for so long that I don't consider it worry anymore. I can easily accept it as 'that's just how I am'. That may be how I am now, but that is not how I am meant to be.

When God first started sharing this with me, I only skimmed the surface. I was thinking, "Okay, instead of tossing my thoughts around in my head, I need to actually turn my thoughts into verbal prayers". Don't get me wrong, this was the beginning. I had to make the conscious effort to actually talk to God rather than simply thinking about things; even thinking about how I needed to pray about something! So the first few days of this 'revelation', I was praying out loud about things that I would normally just chalk up as thinking. I honestly felt a difference in my soul and in my mind. In sharing my 'thoughts ' with God through conversations with Him, I no longer felt alone. I truly felt a connection with Him, but honestly, I still felt like there was still something missing. It was just yesterday when I realized there was so much more to what God was telling me...

For the first few days of turning my thoughts into prayers, I was on a roll! I remember thinking, "Man, all I have to do here is remember to give my thoughts to God instead of always letting my mind ponder on things and analyze things for days. This is basically breaking a habit." It was easy to follow God's instructions until my button was pushed and then His words flew right out the window before I even knew what happened! We all have that 'thing' that can set us off and stir up things inside of us that we wish we never knew about: anger, fear, doubt, insecurities and all of those things that we try to hide or ignore. Well, when my button was pushed I can tell you right now, the last thing I wanted to do was pray. I wanted to call up somebody and let them know what just happened to me. Then after I did that I wanted to brew over the situation; you know, think of what I wanted to say and what they 'needed' to hear, think about why I was right and they were wrong, think about what they were probably thinking about, and the list went on. At that moment, God's Truth broke forth and removed a HUGE obstacle for me...I only want to pray about things that are already easy for me to do; those things that don't require "that much grace"; things that aren't thorns in my flesh. It is those things I find easy to leave at the feet of Jesus and get my peace. But how difficult it is to pray about things that require the utmost grace over and over again. And I don't mean just talking to God; I mean truly releasing things to God. This is why I didn't always get my peace; I wasn't really exchanging my worries, insecurities, doubts, fears, and my 'hot button' issues for anything. At best, I was simply thinking out loud and then saying 'amen'!

After I got over the initial shock of this revelation, I realized one of the reasons I find it hard to consistently do the right thing is that people don't always respond the way they should! It is very aggravating when we do the right thing and the people around us don't even seem to notice, much less try to do the right thing themselves. That very thought brought me to tears because I actually heard the heart of God: He is trying to take me to the place where my obedience flows out of love for Him and nothing else. He doesn't want me to obey with the hidden agenda that I will be right, esteemed, valued, or anything else that my flesh would crave. I have always viewed the scripture that says all things will work out for my good through this selfish and insecure perception. I believed, without even realizing it, that 'the good' would be situations turning in my favor. But now I see that 'the good' is my heart being changed; my spirit growing and my flesh dying. The good is Truth breaking forth and overcoming the lies and motives that have kept me bound for so long. The good is my faith growing closer and closer to God. No wonder He tells us to not grow weary in well doing, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up (Galations 6:9); it may take us several times of doing the right thing before we are finally willing and able to release our death grip on things that have secretly drained us for who knows how long. I am fully aware that this Truth will require commitment and work from me. God's word is not a quick fix for anything. It is so much more than that; it is the real answer for our situations, but it does require all that we have and not just once or twice! Like Paul tells us in Philippians 4:9, "Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me or seen in me-put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." My peace will come as I actually commit and do what God has spoken to my heart, regardless of how many times or how long it takes or how others respond. My peace will come through the actual exchange and not mere conversation. I have to ask myself right now, how bad do I want to be free? I know the answer to that: I am committed!

God, it really is your Truth that sets us free and not some formula or hoops that we try to jump through. It is a broken heart and spirit that you long for; a heart that is open and honest regardless of how painful the process may be. As we bring our broken hearts to you in humility and desperation to find Truth, you will heal our broken hearts and bind up our wounds. Thank you God for desiring us to have Your truth. Thank you for being the Light that makes the darkness flee. Thank you for letting your light and truth break forth and lead us to the place where you dwell. I love you Lord and I am so grateful for your mercy, grace, love, and patience. In Jesus' name.

Bloomers flapping in the wind....

As I considered writing these blogs, I was intimidated by the idea of putting by 'issues' out there for all to read. Sitting outside in my favorite chair, I took this fear to God. I asked Him how in the world my own hang-ups could possibly be of benefit to others? I mean here I am wanting to share my faith, yet, I stuggle with it. What kind of disciple is that? And then the answer came....God spoke to my heart and said, "The normal kind!". And how true is that?! As we read the Bible for help, hope, encouragement, direction, and so much more, we get to read about the issues and hang-ups of those who came before us. Right there for all to read, we see the doubt, fear, lack of faith, bad decisions, ignorance, rebellion and so much more of those that truly loved God. But what we also see from these same lives, is nothing short of amazing. We also see growth, change, God's love, mercy, forgiveness, miracles, His bigger plan, and His heart for His children. That hope is what really gave me the freedom to do this. So, here is my story. Chapter one, page one...

I am on a journey. It is one that I have started out on more times than I can count, but never make it completely around the block!! I always return home the same, except I may have collected a few souvenirs along the way. You know, those bits of knowledge or experiences that remind us of where we went, but they can never fully take us back. Like when you go on vacation and you buy that little something to remind you of all of the fun and memories that you had. When you get home and look at it, your mind is joggled and you almost miss being there. But that little souvenir is simply that: a reminder. The only way to actually be present in that moment again is to physically pick yourself up and go. And that is what my journey is about-taking my faith and personal relationship with Jesus Christ beyond memories and reminders and into a full, present relationship. Do I have a satisfying relationship with Christ? Yes! I love Him with all of my heart and I long for Him in ways that is hard to explain. It's such a deep longing that it almost feels frustrating at times that I am where I am in my faith instead of where I want to be! But to be completely honest, I have ALOT of soveniers. I have many things in my life that remind me of how big and awesome God is, experiences that have given me glimpses of where I would love for my faith to go, and people in my life that challenge my faith to grow. But like the beginning of a TV show, my theme song seems to haunt me; mine being that ole' campfire song "She'll Be Coming Around the Mountain When She Comes"! But thank God I am breaking free from that!! This is the heart of my journey: to finally be free of those old ways of thinking, speaking, and believing that keep me from fully embracing Jesus Christ. To write this as a Christian is very intimidating, but also cleansing at the same time. You've heard the expression: "Don't air your dirty laundry". Well, here are my bloomers flapping in the wind!!

The very first and difficult step of this journey is one that takes commitment, humility, honesty, and for those 'weepers' like myself-alot of tears! It's getting to the truth of what we really believe. I'm not talking about the right answers, but the truth. This hit me as I was doing yet another Bible study! I thought, "I don't want to read one more book or hear one more lesson and still have the same issues." I then realized I was always searching outside of myself for something to fix my issues; either that book, lesson, or another person telling me what to try next. But that was all simply adding to my knowledge and not my faith. Talk about a stumbling block! So as the Bible study required me to rate my faith on a scale of 0-10 in regards to some questions, I actually found myself writing the numbers 9 and 10! LOL It was then that I knew there was a problem. If I was writing 9's and 10's, then why in the world was I struggling with certain issues on a daily basis, with some issues being with me for as long as I could remember? My day to day life surely didn't feel like a 9 or 10, and on some days more like a 3 or 4! So I was reminded of Psalms 139:23-24: Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 51:6 also gave me hope: Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place. I broke out the box of kleenex's and there my journey began: to not answer with what I know, but to answer with what I truly believe (or didn't believe). Sounds good and easy on paper, but try it! Not as clear as you would think because our minds are very, very powerful things. But I prayed two prayers; one of the father who wanted his son delivered and asked Jesus to help him overcome his unbelief (Mark 9:21-24) and the second being Psalms 43:3, that God would send His light and truth to guide me to the place where He dwelled.

What I discovered that day was humbling and very painful; it hurt me to realize that I would mistrust God in any way, especially when He had never given me any reason to. But this is my truth and one that I am well on my way to overcoming: it's not Jesus Christ or His Word that I doubt, but it's His amazing love for me that I have a hard time comprehending and therefore, fully embracing. I am still getting to the heart of it all, but for some reason there's something inside of me or my mind that can't wrap myself around such a love without attaching doubt or fear. Looking back, I have been this way for as long as I can remember. Like I said earlier, I have knowledge and experiences that remind me of where I can be and want to be, but that's what this area of my faith has been: a thought and desire instead of a reality. But I know one thing for sure-I have double knotted my shoes and I am NOT returning home the same! I hear the tune in my head changing to, "Greater things are still to come, greater things are still to be done in this city"!


God, I love you so desperately. I am so grateful that your heart and desire for me and your children is to live in freedom and truth, regardless of how we got bound in the first place. I pray that today truth, YOUR TRUTH, would make it's way to the core of who we are and what we believe. Thank You for this journey! I know in my heart that You are more excited about it than even we are!! In Jesus' name.