The Truth that sets us free...

"I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know the love that surpasses knowledge -that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." ~Ephesians 3:17-19

This is the desire of my heart and the purpose of my journey. This all started when I asked God to search me and know me, to lead me and guide me to the place where He dwells, and to give me truth in my innermost being. I knew this would require me to get real, but wow-truth lately has come in the form of horse pills, which are very hard to swallow! Even in contemplating whether or not to even write this blog, I had to remember that this is not about me and my old ways of thinking and doing and it has absolutely nothing to do with what others will think, if they will judge me, or if they will understand. No, this is about God's glory in my life; this is about Him finally being able to do something with me!LOL

With knowing God's love, comes a peace that I have only read about; a peace that I need so desperately in my life. For those who know me best, they may describe me as a worry-wart. I tend to worry about nearly everything. However, I have done this for so long that I don't even consider it worrying. Actually, I can be very defensive about people telling me that I am worrying when I feel like I'm just thinking! But the truth is that I do worry regardless of what other name I try to give it. Like Winnie-the-Pooh, I think, think, think. I think about what could happen, what should happen, and what if nothing happens at all?! I think about what people may think or say, if they understood what I was trying to say, and what are they 'really' saying?! Even in decisions that I believe with everything in me that God has called me to make, I can still make myself crazy insane wondering how it will work, why He asked it of me, and why other people don't understand. So you can see now why this blog is such a huge leap of faith for me, but one that I am very grateful for and excited about because Truth is setting me free!

I found the remedy for my worry in Philippians 4:6-7: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus". I have known this scripture for a long time now, but it never seemed 'to work' for me. It sounded nice on paper and was a great scripture to quote to someone else who was worrying, but as a worrier myself, it was merely knowledge of what I needed to do and what should happen: pray and get peace. What I am learning in this process is that if God's principle's are not 'working' in my life, there is usually a reason. In this particular situation, this prayer in exchange for peace never came to fruition in my life because I was only truly releasing those things that I didn't have a tight grip on in the first place! It's easy to pray and give God those things that haven't become strongholds in our lives; those things that could really come or go in our lives or those things that we feel we have some sort of control over in the end. But the things that cause me the most problems are the things that I grip so tightly that they have virtually become a part of who I am. Like my worry; I have done it for so long that I don't consider it worry anymore. I can easily accept it as 'that's just how I am'. That may be how I am now, but that is not how I am meant to be.

When God first started sharing this with me, I only skimmed the surface. I was thinking, "Okay, instead of tossing my thoughts around in my head, I need to actually turn my thoughts into verbal prayers". Don't get me wrong, this was the beginning. I had to make the conscious effort to actually talk to God rather than simply thinking about things; even thinking about how I needed to pray about something! So the first few days of this 'revelation', I was praying out loud about things that I would normally just chalk up as thinking. I honestly felt a difference in my soul and in my mind. In sharing my 'thoughts ' with God through conversations with Him, I no longer felt alone. I truly felt a connection with Him, but honestly, I still felt like there was still something missing. It was just yesterday when I realized there was so much more to what God was telling me...

For the first few days of turning my thoughts into prayers, I was on a roll! I remember thinking, "Man, all I have to do here is remember to give my thoughts to God instead of always letting my mind ponder on things and analyze things for days. This is basically breaking a habit." It was easy to follow God's instructions until my button was pushed and then His words flew right out the window before I even knew what happened! We all have that 'thing' that can set us off and stir up things inside of us that we wish we never knew about: anger, fear, doubt, insecurities and all of those things that we try to hide or ignore. Well, when my button was pushed I can tell you right now, the last thing I wanted to do was pray. I wanted to call up somebody and let them know what just happened to me. Then after I did that I wanted to brew over the situation; you know, think of what I wanted to say and what they 'needed' to hear, think about why I was right and they were wrong, think about what they were probably thinking about, and the list went on. At that moment, God's Truth broke forth and removed a HUGE obstacle for me...I only want to pray about things that are already easy for me to do; those things that don't require "that much grace"; things that aren't thorns in my flesh. It is those things I find easy to leave at the feet of Jesus and get my peace. But how difficult it is to pray about things that require the utmost grace over and over again. And I don't mean just talking to God; I mean truly releasing things to God. This is why I didn't always get my peace; I wasn't really exchanging my worries, insecurities, doubts, fears, and my 'hot button' issues for anything. At best, I was simply thinking out loud and then saying 'amen'!

After I got over the initial shock of this revelation, I realized one of the reasons I find it hard to consistently do the right thing is that people don't always respond the way they should! It is very aggravating when we do the right thing and the people around us don't even seem to notice, much less try to do the right thing themselves. That very thought brought me to tears because I actually heard the heart of God: He is trying to take me to the place where my obedience flows out of love for Him and nothing else. He doesn't want me to obey with the hidden agenda that I will be right, esteemed, valued, or anything else that my flesh would crave. I have always viewed the scripture that says all things will work out for my good through this selfish and insecure perception. I believed, without even realizing it, that 'the good' would be situations turning in my favor. But now I see that 'the good' is my heart being changed; my spirit growing and my flesh dying. The good is Truth breaking forth and overcoming the lies and motives that have kept me bound for so long. The good is my faith growing closer and closer to God. No wonder He tells us to not grow weary in well doing, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up (Galations 6:9); it may take us several times of doing the right thing before we are finally willing and able to release our death grip on things that have secretly drained us for who knows how long. I am fully aware that this Truth will require commitment and work from me. God's word is not a quick fix for anything. It is so much more than that; it is the real answer for our situations, but it does require all that we have and not just once or twice! Like Paul tells us in Philippians 4:9, "Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me or seen in me-put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." My peace will come as I actually commit and do what God has spoken to my heart, regardless of how many times or how long it takes or how others respond. My peace will come through the actual exchange and not mere conversation. I have to ask myself right now, how bad do I want to be free? I know the answer to that: I am committed!

God, it really is your Truth that sets us free and not some formula or hoops that we try to jump through. It is a broken heart and spirit that you long for; a heart that is open and honest regardless of how painful the process may be. As we bring our broken hearts to you in humility and desperation to find Truth, you will heal our broken hearts and bind up our wounds. Thank you God for desiring us to have Your truth. Thank you for being the Light that makes the darkness flee. Thank you for letting your light and truth break forth and lead us to the place where you dwell. I love you Lord and I am so grateful for your mercy, grace, love, and patience. In Jesus' name.