He Comes to Our Rescue

I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. ~Psalms 27:13-14


I am still in awe at the goodness of God.  Still amazed at how He works in our lives.  To the world, it seems like our lives are left to chance, but to those that believe, we see Him in every detail.

For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God ~ 1 Corinthians 1:18

God is loving and compassionate to His children.  He longs to rise up and come to our rescue, but not always in the way we think or expect or hope. But He always comes.  He sees so much more than the
here and now. He sees the big picture. He sees eternity. He sees our hearts and our souls.

Over the last several months, I have been frustrated.  I have been tired.  I have asked God questions, trying to settle issues in my soul and in my mind.  I have asked God, "When will this season end? How much longer? When will you heal me completely? How are things going to work out or come together? Do you hear me? Do I need to pray different or fight this from a different angle than what I am doing now?"

But these questions did not come from a lack of faith.  Actually, they came from a heart that is fully convinced that God is real and His Word is true. I believe He only has to send His word, just speak it, and we are healed.  I believe in His miracles, signs, and wonders. I believe that nothing is too hard for Him; with Him nothing is impossible.  If I didn't truly believe this, I would not have asked Him those questions.  And because I have found His great big love for me, I can ask those questions without guilt or fear.

Too often, we think we have to "say it just right" when we talk to God.  We think maybe we are doing something wrong or not praying "right" when our prayers seem to go unanswered.  And there is definitely a time to check our hearts and repent and then there is a time to keep pressing on. And I was willing to jump through any hoop that God had to offer to see change in my situation, but that's just the thing....there are no hoops.  He gives directions and wisdom and His Word to follow and to speak. And yes we need to obey to stay under the shadow of His wings.  But there are no hidden agendas.  There are no tricks. God is about our hearts and His kingdom; not our grammar or even our comfort.

How do we trust in a God that sometimes seems so random, distant, or a God that seems to pick "favorites" at times?  And you know what I am talking about! I cannot say it enough, you have to learn His word. By doing that, you will begin to hear not only His voice but also His heart.  Through His Word we learn the truth that He is not random, distant, nor does He pick "favorites". We learn of redemption, forgiveness, acceptance, and unfailing love.  We learn of a powerful God that always wins.  He always has a plan and it's never about "us".  It's about our souls and those around us.  Through His Word, we learn to trust His heart and not the plan.  Truthfully, most of the time the plan, or how God brings things about, seems really botched up.  But when we know Him and His Word, we see His heart is always for us.

Over the last year, my family and I have experienced the love of God in powerful ways; ways that make it impossible to stay the same.  It has been healing and peace in the middle of yuck. It has been meals, phone calls, texts, cards, a cup of hot coffee brought to my door. It has been my babies taken care of when I go to the doctor and needs met and prayers answered in ways that have left us speechless.  All of that is experiencing God and His goodness and love!  To love in action is powerful.  It gives hope.  It reminds us that God has not forgotten us.

We have found so much beauty in the ashes. We have found more of Him and less of us.  We have gained confidence in His Word and confidence in His love.  We have seen the meaning of family and so grateful that our hearts have been full because of them.  We have found friends that have touched us in ways we will never be able to repay.  We have found that God provides in the least expected ways out of His glorious riches, not ours or the worlds.  We are gaining confidence that He is faithful.

So this is what I want to leave you with...keep following hard after God.  Don't give up on Him because He will NEVER give up on you.  Don't doubt His love for you by circumstances or situations.  Those are times to look for Him and you WILL find Him.  Get to know Him and His love for you!  God spoke to my heart not long after transplant these words..."Keep following HARD after me and when this is over, you will have gained more than you have ever lost".  I have to agree!

It's because of that promise that we keep going- we KNOW there is an end. We know there is a purpose and a promise waiting.  And every single time I have felt like I didn't have an ounce of fight left in me, God would create a situation of hope and renewal.  Be encouraged.  You will get to a place where you can say, "Remember when..." God is truly your biggest fan.  You are His heart. You are His big idea.  A beautiful creation from the heart of our Father.  He loves you and believe it or not, He longs for you to love Him right back!

Well, I am not going to leave you empty handed! Instead, you will use the Word and be armed and dangerous!  Pray these scriptures.  Use them to thank God for who He is.  Use them to give you hope and expectation again!


May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.  ~ Romans 15:13

An example of how you can pray this:  Lord I thank you that you are the God of ALL hope!  I thank you that as I trust in you, you will fill me with ALL peace and ALL joy so that I will OVERFLOW with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.  God let your hope and joy and peace overflow in my soul and in my life and in my situation.

If you want to pray this for someone that you know, just add their name in it! Here are a few more truths to speak, hope, and expect!

In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed.  In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling.  ~ Exodus 15:13

Lord, I thank you that I am redeemed!  I am loved and I am yours.  God, in your unfailing love, lead me. God remind me that your love never fails!  In your strength God, guide me to you where you are....to where I find your perfect peace and I feel your presence.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~Psalms 73:26

God I thank you that you are my strength.  I thank you that when I have nothing left to give, when I have no fight left in me, YOU are my strength.  When my flesh fails, You are still my portion, you are still my God; you are still for me and giving me strength! You will renew my spirit and my strength!

Psalm 62:5-8...Look up these beautiful words oft truth and hope!

To Be In Need...

"I know what it is to be in need and I know what it is to have plenty"~Philippians 4:12

We have all been in both of these situations at one time or another.  Although, being in need tends to bring the best stories.  Kind of like some of our worst mishaps become our favorite memories~awful at the time, but so much joy and laughter later.  Probably because we have a better perspective looking back.  We realize the situation didn't take us out and that it wasn't permanent and for the sake of our faith, our times of need can bring out the most beautiful things...in time.

Before going through cancer, I thought the patient "got better", as in no more cancer and their hair grew back and BAM...life is good.  But it's not exactly like that.  The aftermath of recovery can feel so frustrating and long and slow.  I will not miss many of the struggles over the last year recovering from cancer and a bone marrow transplant, good grief, I don't think I will miss any!  But somehow I knew even in the thick of it, that my time with God through my "need",would be something I would long for later.  It was just that sweet.

But in times of need, we can feel lonely over time.  It can feel like God's not working, our faith is not working; nothing is working.  It's then that God can easily become just a thought for us.  Out of our frustration, we begin to let the current situation consume us; it's always in the back of our minds, it's strung throughout our conversations, and yet, we never really take any of it to God.  Through my need, there have been more times than one that I have had enough Jesus in me to know that my situation wouild change, but so much of me just wanted to through in the towel. I would have these fleeting thoughts of "This all feels so fake.....is my faith even real?"

BUT GOD....

[He] is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion...when I was in great need, he saved me".  ~Psalms 116:5-6

God longs to be compassionate to us!  He loves to love us and meet our needs.  But being in need can make us feel something totally different or feel nothing at all.

Sometimes we do everything right; we do everything we know to do and we are still stuck in "need".  As I was talking to a sweet soul sister about my need, I asked her, "How do I get out of this?  How do I move from feeling frustrated or feeling empty, to feeling faith?"  And in not-so-fun words she said, "This is when you go back to what you knowof Him.  This is when you remember His great love for you".  Beautiful and true, but I wanted something a little faster!

But those words led me right to Truth~ back to the heart of God; back to His Word.  Like Paul, we have to learn the secret of being content in times of need and in times of plenty. (Philippians 4:12) Not content with our situation, but content with who God is in our lives.  I am not a Bible scholar by any stretch of the imagination, but this is what I believe is the beginning of the "secret"...

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God that transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 4:6-7

What I get is this:

Still talk to Him. Even if it feels like you are talking to the wall at times. Take Him your        "uglies"-those emotions you feel guilty for having or the ones that make you look like a "bad Christian" (whatever that is!).  He is the only One that can actually do something about them anyways.

Continue to be grateful.  Do it on purpose because times of need can make us a little less likely to look for the good, much less notice it.

Let God know what you need. This sounds so simple and it is , but sometimes we just don't feel like it.  In a backwards sort of way, we act like it's more productive to be ticked off or mull over a situation constantly than to let God know our hearts.  Trust me, neither of these ideas work!

When we "put what we have learned or received into practice, the peace of God will be with [us]". (Philippians 4:9)  So when we do "everything right" and the right thing doesn't seem to be happening, just keep obeying.  His grace, evidence of Him at work in our lives, will be on our side.

But what do you do when you talk to God, whether just in conversation or to ask for forgiveness or help and after you say "Amen", you still feel the same?  He didn't take your pain, your anger, your unforgiveness, or your burdens.  He didn't heal you or send you that check in the mail.  You open your eyes and it's all exactly the same...

This is when you have to fill your mind and your words with the Word of God.  It is living, active, and powerful.  God's Words have always created things. When he created the wolrd, He spoke things into existence and His Words are still creating things today!!

As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.  ~Isaiah 55:10-11

So when you feel like your faith has failed or even others think your God didn't come through, keep believing; keep obeying.  His Words will give you hope; they will give you life.  Don't know where to start in His Word?  Look up key words in the back of your Bible, in the concordance. It's a starting place!

In my time of need, God is teaching me that He doesn't panic, even if I do.  He is teaching me to hear His whispers and not just His shouts.  He is teaching me to wait for Him.  He is teaching me that He will meet all of my needs according to HIS glorious riches in Christ.  Not the world's riches, but His.
"And God said, "Go out and stand on the mountain for the Lord is about to pass by". Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountain apart and shattered the rocks, but the Lord was not in the wind.  After the wind, there was an earthquake.  After the earthquake was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire,. And after the fire was a gentle whisper."  (1 Kings 19:10-11)  

 How and when He provides may be different for all of us, but this I know~He loves us and fights for us and with us.  He strengthens us in all things.  He will restore and renew us. I would love for you to go through His Word and see the times that He fights our battles.  He sees our faith, even if it is the size of a mustard seed.  You don't have to wait for God to "show up"..."The Lord is near" (Philippians 4:5)  So let's not cling to worthless idols and forfeit the grace that can be ours! (Jonah 2:8)


God I thank You that You are always near, regardless of how we feel.  I thank You that You are our Help in times of need.  I pray for myself and so many others that are waiting on You....I pray that You will bring comfort, wisdom, and knowledge. I pray that we will stay still and quiet long enough to hear that gentle whisper.   I thank You that we will come out stronger than we were.  That we will have gained more than we ever lost! In Your name...Amen.


This is a song I have listened to over and over again...It reminds me that times of need and times of plenty will come and go, but God will restore! Just click the link below!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWtEEle798A

Beautiful in it's time...

I feel like I am just starting to grieve again from this last year.  Even as I look back to the day I was diagnosed, I never really grieved.  I cried for sure and it's not like I was holding back.  I just had one thing on my mind..."What do I have to do to get better?".  That day and several days after, I cried and I cried hard.  But even on the way to Wake Forest the day we got the news, I was still "okay".   And in the ER when the diagnosis was confirmed, I was still "okay".  When I say "okay", it's not like I didn't have a care in the world because I did.....

I remember them taking me up to my room that would be "home" for the next 4-6 weeks.  Jack had gone out to get us something to eat. I sat down on the bed, hugged that pillow and sobbed.  Naturally when you hear the word cancer, you think of dying.  And I sat and thought about Jack and the kids.  Would I be here to love them unconditionally?  Would I be here to raise them? To pour into them?  Would Jack and I be able to travel in our RV (that we dream of getting one day)?  Would we have years of laying in the bed and holding hands?  Yes, I thought about death and I didn't want it; I didn't want it for my babies, for Jack, for my family.

That's why I went into survival mode I think.  I just wanted to get better.  So I didn't allow myself to let my mind wonder.  I stayed focused on keeping God's Word as my hope and my expectation.  No, it was not a front.  I still felt anger, sadness, frustration, and fear.  I still got so mad I would throw things and I would even yell just to get rid of what I was feeling.  But I was on a mission...to get better and live the rest of life.  So I would rant and rave, pick myself up, and start again.

But I grieve in spurts I think.  I don't know why other than I just didn't allow myself to give into any part of cancer.  And not more than a year from diagnosis and nearly 10 months post transplant, I feel another wave of grief...like I could loose it.  I guess in letting my guard down, I realize what really happened.

Did I ever ask God "why me"?  Honestly, not really.  I remember in the ER I thought "Why not me? I have more going for me than most.  I am young, otherwise healthy, I have amazing family support and I have my faith-I have my Jesus".  I think my questions were more "How much longer?" and "When will this get easier or better?"

In September 2013, I was in the hospital for a week for a booster chemo treatment.  I remember one morning at 2am, they hooked me up to a round of chemo and I felt such anxiety.  The room was dark, and Jack was on the couch beside of me.  That night I did grieve and I grieved because I knew this was going to be a long journey.  I knew this wasn't going to be over soon.  I wanted to run and just not do any of it.  I didn't want to go through it.  But like all of this, I had no choice other than the choice of how I was going to go through it.

Now the lingering side effects of transplant seem to be chipping away at me.  All of it still feels like it's just taking its sweet time- even growing out my hair is slow!  Maybe it's time to rest....

"Like a tree, a woman can't carry the weight of two seasons simultaneously.  In the violent struggle of trying, she'll miss every bit of joy each season promises to bring."~Lysa Terkeurst

For so long, you can be stuck between eternally grateful and completely aggravated.  You have these emotions, but it's hard to actually feel them sometimes because you are so grateful for life and all that has gone so well.   But it's time for me to rest in knowing that God knows my heart and He knows that I am more than grateful.  It's time to see the promises of this season unfold because all along, I have believed down in my soul that there would be beauty for ashes.

"He has made everything beautiful in it's time"~ Ecclesiastes 3:11

One day not long after transplant, I sent the kids out the door to one of their activities.  I got so angry.  I was so tired of sending them places and never being able to go with them.  I had a massive breakdown and that day, I grieved again.  I did the ugly cry.  You know the one... in the floor, shoulders shaking, and sounds coming from me that would have put a dying animal to shame,.  But as I got quiet from sheer exhaustion, down in my heart I heard this:  "Keep obeying me.  Keep putting one foot in front of the other and when this is over, you will have gained more than you have ever lost."~sweet words from my Savior.  The only One who could save me.  The only One who knew the grief down in my heart.  He knew my heart was broke from so many things and I didn't have to try and explain it.  I knew that day that He just knew.

So I think it's time to rest in the knowing.  Its' time to soak up all that this season has brought me and my family.  It's time to accept the season and before you panic and think, "She's throwing in the towel", I am not saying to accept any part of cancer or recovery. I still pray and believe.  But the truth is, no matter what, this is something we have had to walk through and nothing can change that.  Honestly, even before transplant the doctors kept telling me to give post transplant at least a year.  I am not quiet there and I still fight every part of this tooth and nail.  Again, it's time to rest....

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:  a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace." ~Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

So how do we know the season we are in?  How do we know the "time"?  This comes from a relationship with Christ. David said in Psalms that God confides in those that trust in Him.  The more we read His Word, the more we pray and talk to Him, the more we take notice of Him around us, the more comfortable and familiar with hearing His voice we will become.

There are so many ways to hear His voice and His heart for us.  God is so complex and like us, He likes diversity.  We can hear His voice as we sing songs that remind us of Him.  We can hear His voice in nature, just being quiet and seeing the beauty around us.  We can hear His voice by writing in journals and if you are not comfortable with "writing", start with making a list; a list of gratitude, a list of prayers.  But make time with Him a priority. Spend time with others that can encourage your faith.  Read books that help you understand scripture or lets you hear how others have walked out their faith.  Participate in Bible studies that help you find truth in His word.  Read scripture, write down verses that mean something to you.  Pray those words and if they are words you can act on, act on them!

If you go to the top of the blog and click the link "Beautiful You", you will find some great books and devotionals that have impacted my faith and kept me in His Word.  The list is short for now because I am just starting the page, but I hope to give you lots of resources in the days ahead.

God, I am eternally grateful.  I pray that you will help me and others to hear Your voice Lord and to know the season that we are in.  I pray that we will be confident and have a deep knowing in our souls of the "timing" of our seasons.  And in that knowing, I pray that we will not fight it with guilt or in vain, but that we will find rest; rest in You.   And Lord, thank you that You truly do give beauty for ashes and You do make things beautiful in it's time.  Speak to our hearts with words of wisdom, comfort, strength and healing.  In Jesus' name I pray.  Amen.

I Just Ran Out of Gas!

Sometimes we are tired.  We are broken. We are just empty.  There are no more words that you can say other than, "I am done!".  We just don't feel like we have what it takes spiritually, mentally, physically or emotionally to keep up the pace or the fight.

This is exactly how I felt as I left my oncology appointment at Wake Forest on Friday.  My heart was just broke and I was just tired.  I found out that I now have graft versus host disease (GVHD) in my lungs and it's still not fully healed in my eyes.  It's not a horrible case and it's not permanent; it could be much worse.   But like all of this cancer stuff, it will take time.  There have been no quick fixes or easy solutions.  There is nothing that I can do to make things go any faster.  I just have to follow directions and WAIT....

Waiting is not uncommon ground to a follower of Christ, or anyone for that matter.  All throughout scripture we read of waiting and trials, but it is ALWAYS with purpose.  Now don't get me wrong....my panties were in a wad and God was the first one to know about it.  He is the first to get my broken heart and my broken pieces.  Life is not always fireworks and God doesn't expect us to always bring Him our "most glorious, most amazing self".  He just expects us to come.  "The Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion.  For the Lord is a God of justice.  Blessed are all who wait for Him!" (Isaiah 30:18)

So I poured out my heart to God...He knew what was in there anyways.  But this letting it rip with God is what makes us close...  "Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith....Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess for He who promised is faithful..." (Hebrews 10:22-23)  God wants our sincere hearts, He wants us to draw near to Him, He longs to be gracious to us and to show us compassion; we are blessed through our waiting!

Waiting...a place that most of us avoid like the plague.  Most of the time I can't wait to pass this season so I can get on to the "good stuff".  But waiting isn't the "bad" place that I tend to think of it as and in reality, it is where we find the "good stuff".  It is where we find perseverance, character, and hope. It matures our faith.   It can bring out the worst in us, but this allows God to create the best in us.  Because honestly, waiting can make us crazy...we can grow horns, talk crazy, and abandon ship with our faith.  I have found the craziest things in my heart while I have been waiting...things I would not have seen otherwise; anger, jealousy, envy, judgmental and prideful thoughts.  But my goodness where would I be if God let my sinful nature keep hiding down in my soul?  Not only would I stay the same, but so would my faith and my knowledge of Him.  And I don't want this to be it for my faith.  I want Him to keep coming into my life, making it full, and making Himself more and more a reality in my life. But we can become so desperate during the waiting that we can go from looking for a burning bush to "Hey, I just saw a spark from a lighter!  This is it!".  All because we want something new, something different; ANY type of activity that shows we are moving forward and that we are not stuck.   And it can also wear us out.  But this is not the time to give up or give in with our hope, our faith, our desires.  That approach will take us nowhere and give us only more of the same.

 "Wisdom makes decisions today that will still be good tomorrow"~Lysa Terkeurst 

This is why we have to keep our heads in the game, with or without the emotions we think we should have.  After I let it rip, I didn't feel warm fuzzies and I didn't feel like it was all better.  Actually, I still felt tired and exhausted.   To be honest, I still felt ticked off.  Not because this happened to "me", but because I am tired.  I am tired of this being my life after more than a year.  And from the outside, it's like things are becoming normal again, but that's a hard place to define anymore.  Normal....some parts of that I long for in my life and other parts of what that meant for me, I never want to return to.  So, I am in a strange place.  After more than a year of cancer and recovery being your life, it's like you have to figure out how you want to live out this new opportunity.  I assumed that as I neared the end of recovery, I would just fall back into my old life like nothing happened.  But that is just not possible.  Because something did happen and we all have been affected by it; we have all been changed. But after giving God my heart, my sincere honest heart,  I had a "knowing".  I know that God has heard my cries, I know that He is with me, I know that He cares for me, I know that He loves me and longs to pour Himself out to me.  I know that He is faithful and is always for me.  I  know that He will give me the grace and strength that I need.  I know that He still gives beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning and peace for despair.  I know that His joy is down in my soul and it is my strength.  And in this knowing I can rest....

 In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength." ~Isaiah 30:15

My breath of fresh air!  Repentance, rest, salvation, quietness, trust and strength.  As I wait, I will continue to keep my heart turned towards Him.  I will draw closer to Him by exposing my heart to Him, healing and moving on.  I can rest that my soul is good with Him.  My strength will be found in quietness and trust...in relying on "my knowings" that I mentioned before.  I don't have to come up with something new here...I just need to rest in His heart for me.  I believe that these are keys to waiting with grace; waiting with evidence that He is always at work and always for me. 

His Treasured Possession

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."  Isaiah 43:2

When I first read these words during a Bible study, they were meant to give comfort.  The intent was to give us confidence in our God.  Instead, it scared me to death.  The only words I picked up on were flooding waters and something about me catching on fire.  I didn't want to go through water or fire, regardless of who was going to be with me.  I didn't find the love of God in these words at that time and I never made it to verse 4 which says, "Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you".  I had missed out on those words, and therefore, missed out on a beautiful thing.


In that same Bible study, we were asked a few questions about our faith.  I was checking 9's and 10's (ten being the highest) and I seriously chuckle at that now!  I finished my questions and felt confused.  Why in the world were my questions of faith getting such high scores, but my everyday life was so different?  And why in the world had one scripture that was suppose to bring comfort, bring me to the point of needing a brown paper bag?  It was because I knew the "right" answers, but His love and His Word had not consumed my heart yet. They had not become my reality.  I had not been through those waters or that fire that would reveal His love for me.

As long as we live on earth, we will have our fair share of problems.  Remember, we are at war here; this is not our home.  It sounds crazy, but there are spiritual battles fought everyday for our souls. This world is not His perfect plan. Not only did God know this, Christ prays for us and our faith...

"They are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one".  John 17:14-15

"I have prayed for you Simon, that your faith may not fail."  Luke 22:32

"Jesus is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them."  Hebrews 7:25


His love for us never fails; from the beginning He has always been driven by His love for us.  Ephesians 1 tells us that in love He chose us before the creation of the world to one day say yes to Him and His salvation; to make us His sons and daughters. In this chapter of Ephesians you will hear words and phrases such as predestined, His good pleasure, glorious grace, the riches of His grace, lavishing grace, purposed and God's possession.  All of these things are pertaining to us!! And He says this about us with all wisdom and understanding (Ephesians 1:8); knowing who we are and what we are not.

God does not choose us or set His affections on us because we are great.  He does it because He truly loves us.  "He is the faithful God, keeping his covenant (promise) of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments".  (Deuteronomy 7:7-9) Did you catch that?  A covenant of love...!

I have wondered why its so hard to truly believe in this love.  Maybe because of this botched up world that we live in where things happen that just don't make sense. Maybe it's because we don't like certain things about ourselves or let's be honest....sometimes we just don't like other people. So believing in this crazy love from an invisible God seems well, crazy.  But "{Jesus Christ} is the image of the invisible God...and in him all things hold together", including our faith. (Colossians 1:15,17)  Jesus is our image of God and He is the Word made flesh.  So to begin to know Him and this love, we have to begin to know His Word; it is here we will find the heart of God.

So this is my prayer for you and me...
"I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all of the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God".  (Ephesians 3:17-19) and "be confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion". (Philippians 1:6)  Just start...He is faithful and He is waiting on you!

What I have learned by NOT homeschooling!

What I have learned by not homeschooling....


Hindsight is 20/20.  As we look back, we can see things without the emotions that are usually tied to being in the thick of things.  And that is what I have gained as I look back at our days of homeschooling....I can see it more clearly and I feel that I have gained so much. 


When it was in my heart to send our kids to school, I was a mess.  I felt confused and couldn't figure out where it was coming from....was I emotional, exhausted? What was making me toy with this idea in such a big way?  At the time, things were okay.  We were all doing good; the kids were learning, they liked homeschooling, we were making it happen.  But more than a year later, I can see so clearly that God was in the midst of all things.  He was preparing my family for the days and months ahead.  My babies are at a wonderful school where they have been taken care of in more ways than I can say and I am grateful.




Looking back, I not only see the hand of God, but I also see a very insecure girl.  I read part of a blog from The Busy Mom that struck a deep cord with me.  She said this:  "I know what it feels like to be set free from the expectations of others.  When I finally decided to stop seeking the approval of others to define my walk with the Lord, it was life changing.  It was as if the oxygen in my spiritual life was always at 75%.  Enough to keep me alive but not enough to thrive."  That was me.




  To homeschool is such a personal decision and it's not always for "religious" reasons.  I never planned on homeschooling.  As a kindergarten teacher, I LOVED to teach and I just started working with my first baby on little things at home.  No work sheets.  Nothing "formal".  We played and had fun and I was amazed at how he was learning just as much as when I "taught" in the classroom.  We did preschool at home and when Kindergarten came, we stayed with it.  Before I go any further, let me clarify that I am NOT comparing homeschooling with public/private school.  That's like comparing apples and oranges.  And I am not saying that one decision is better than another.  I am just wanting to encourage families by what I have learned because it is tough! So these are a few things I see with more clarity now:


1.  Know why you choose to homeschool.  This is so important.  It will keep you alive during the ugliest of days when you are exhausted, wearing the same pair of sweats for two days in a row, the house is a mess, you feel behind in every way, and that yellow school bus is looking pretty darn good.  When you know why you are doing what you are doing, you take the "bad" days for what they are worth, pick yourself up and try again.  Your convictions keep you moving.  But when you loose sight of why you are doing something, you question everything and its a downhill spiral from there.  This is also very important because everyone thinks they know why you homeschool....you are afraid to let your kids out of the house, you fear the bad, you think they will go to hell in a hand basket if you let them go to the dreaded public school, you are trying to keep them in a bubble, you are being over protective, you think homeschooling is "better", your kids will be smarter, and the list goes on.  I can remember hearing several of these things and usually from people you would least expect to hear it from.  But as I sat and cried one night from an 'ugly' comment, I thought, "I know why everyone thinks I homeschool, but why do I homeschool?  What are my own convictions for doing this?"  and from there I found my starting point.  It will make it easier to brush off the assumptions of others when you know down deep why you are doing what you are doing and it will keep you going when the going gets tough.


2.  You cannot compare homeschooling with private or public school.  This is a bad way to go! I never questioned myself as a teacher in the classroom, but at home I was afraid of messing up.  I couldn't blame things on a bad teacher, because it would have been me!!   As a former public school teacher, I nearly killed us all in the beginning trying to recreate a public school day at home.  I felt like I wasn't doing enough when my kindergartner was done with "formal" schooling in an hour and a half at most. I thought we still needed circle time, lunch and recess at a certain time.  It seriously stressed me out!  I also stayed stressed out over the freedom I had as a homeschool teacher, as crazy as that sounds.  But as a classroom teacher, I had a fixed schedule.  It felt awkward to be able to start when it was good for us, finish when it was good for us, and be outside anytime we wanted.    I was taking one of the most beautiful and fun things about homeschooling and stressing out, which leads to my next lesson....


3.  Enjoy the freedom of homeschool.  You truly can read too much!  Let me explain.  I read up on so many different curriculum and ways of homeschooling and how to do chore charts and color coded calendars and planners and schedules.  I was so overwhelmed that I began to loose the ability to follow my gut instincts and was paralyzed with fear that I was not doing it "right".  And there are many wonderful resources for homeschooling and some I still have in my "school closet".  But the majority of them, I have thrown away.  Reading so much about it, I didn't have a clear vision of what homeschool would look like for us.  All of my reading combined made me feel like the kids needed to be waking up to their own alarms at a certain time, making their beds, being dressed and eating breakfast by a certain time, doing chores, starting our school day with the younger ones having their "special box" that could only be used during school time (never figured this one out) and don't forget to have family devotions on a daily basis...the list could go on.  You can imagine my disappointment.  There is NOTHING wrong with any of these things, but I was so stuck on what it was "supposed" to look like that I threw my own intuition out the window at times out of fear.  Let me tell you, you can't mess it up because there are no rules for how this will work for your family.  If you don't start school until after lunch when the smaller ones are napping, that is OKAY!  If that's when you are the least pressed and stressed, then you will enjoy it more, your kids will enjoy it more, and you will get more done in less time.  One of my favorite memories of homeschooling was when Jacob and I were up at 11:30 at night doing a science project.  We were so tired and laughed at everything!!


4.  You do not have to cover every subject, every day, or even every week for that matter.  And your kids will not be learning the same material at the same time as their buddies in private or public school.  This doesn't mean that your kid is behind or ahead.  It simply means you are covering things at a different time and in a different order.  And in public school, some subjects are not covered at all for more than 6 weeks at a time.  But let your kid learn at their own pace.  Do not get caught up in your child being 2 grades above grade level or trying to prove to others that you all are rocking this homeschool thing.  It will suck the life and joy out of it all.  Let your kids be kids.  Let them excel at what they are good at and be patient with what they are not...it will all come together.


5.  Kids do and learn "nothing" in public school, too.   So don't panic when your child tells someone this.  Oh the times that Jacob would be asked what he did in school and he would say "nothing" or "we didn't do school today".  Those comments took me to my knees every time! But they are in school now and they will still say they didn't do anything.  And for whatever reason, you will find the occasional  grown up that likes to "quiz" homeschool kids.  I guess they are trying to see if they are really learning; I am not sure.  But countless times Jacob would be asked to read something random or asked a random question.  My heart would fill up with pride if he nailed it and I would feel like a complete failure if he didn't.  Shame on me!  That goes back to know why you do what you do, embrace the freedom and pace of homeschooling, knowing you are on your own time frame. 


6.  Everyday is not going to be epic.  Memories do not have to be made with every lesson.  Not every lesson has to be hands-on, fun, or exciting.  Its just as valuable that they learn to do their best on the "boring" stuff.  I had this big idea of sitting on the couch reading with all the kids....more times than not, I would start to feel claustrophobic with everyone piled on me and maybe the youngest was trying to rip the pages, the middle child was talking about the pictures, and the oldest was complaining that he couldn't hear anything.  So, when you get those moments that make you feel like superwoman, LOVE it.  Embrace it.  Hold onto it.  But don't strive for it everyday or think that should be your "norm".  As a family, you will get on each others nerves, get mad at each other, and need your space.  That's okay; good grief, that is normal.  But that's how you and your kids learn to love and walk the walk and talk the talk of your faith in real life.


7.  Homeschool is not a guarantee. It will not guarantee their salvation, their success, or that they will avoid the pitfalls of life.  Never put that kind of pressure on yourself.  These goals and expectations are a work of the heart regardless of the type of schooling your child receives.  I am still confused when people make comments of homeschooling families, that if you protect them too much, they will rebel.  I wasn't homeschooled and I rebelled. I had "freedoms" and still made some really bad choices.  There is no vaccine against sin; it's not like a little exposure to the bad will keep you from wanting to do it.   It is an issue of the heart.  But I do believe we are to guard the hearts and minds of our children, regardless.  I believe the only guarantee we have is the Word of God over our lives and the lives of our  babies. So don't let others plant that seed of doubt in you that your kids will go "wild" when they get any freedom all because you homeschooled them.


8.  Your kids will know how to function in public.  The number one thing I heard over and over is how people want their kids to be socialized.  Just to brag on my kids, when they went to public school on the first day, they walked in as if they had always been there.  And they didn't even start on the first day; they started in November.  They were confident.  They knew other kids.  Its not like my kids were in a shell and blossomed once they were in school.  Honestly, in the beginning, it felt like they became more reserved.  And I even got asked how they would have boyfriends and girlfriends or if they would miss the Prom if they were homeschooled...IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!! Seriously, this was not and still is not on my radar of things I hope for in my elementary aged kids.  Learning how to work together and be a part of a group or community is a part of maturing.  Your kids will learn this from being part of a family, from sports, from church, and so many other opportunities.  And if for some reason your kid does something completely crazy in public, make it a teachable moment and go on.  This is because they are kids, not because they have never been socialized.










To sum it up, there is no perfect scenario.  There are pros and cons to any choice of schooling, whether home, private, or public.  And parenting is hard and we have to be intentional about it no matter what. I have taken what I have learned from looking back and have applied it too life and parenting in general.  I have only shared weaknesses here, but there was definitely more good than bad during that season.  I am so grateful for the opportunity we had to homeschool.  I literally have no regrets.  Would I be different and approach it different?  YES! That's why I wrote this.  To hopefully bring encouragement to another mom.  I pray this will lift the burden off of someone's shoulders.  I pray it will begin to allow you to thrive and not just survive as you are able to finally take a deep breath of fresh air.  No doubt, homeschooling is hard. My goodness, parenting is hard! It is a huge commitment, but I pray you will not try to put your day in a box, but that you will go with your instincts throughout the day...that my sweet friend is the voice of God leading you!