Does anyone remember that old game show Super-Market Sweep? The basis of the game was that shoppers were given a list with a certain amount of time to collect all the items in their buggies. They would be rewarded bonus points if they got extra items, items with a certain tags, or if they could beat the clock. Well, that is how I feel many times in my own life. With so many things going on in our lives and in our families, my brain feels like it is always going about a million miles a minute, rarely taking the time to slow down. When I do slow down, it seems like I am slowing down for things that have to be done instead of for things that really matter. Just last night I was driving home from the grocery store and it felt so good....I was actually alone for a few minutes!! But out of habit I started to grab my cell phone, catch up and make a few calls. I stopped myself and realized that I had the perfect chance, if only for 20 minutes or so, to be in total quiet. I made the choice to be alone with God for those few minutes and it was nothing short of amazing for my soul.

During that short time, I asked God for clarity; to be able to hear His voice above all other things. There are some very big decisions that need to be made and I want nothing short of His perfect will. Immediately, He answered my prayers by letting me hear His voice and this is what I heard in my heart: I have heard His voice above all other things, but it's the stillness and the time with Him that I need. It is my time with Him that will build trust between me and Him. I will strengthen my trust that He will do what He said. I will gain the trust to know He says what He means and that His words are faithful and true. Without this time with Him, I am like the shopper on Super-Market Sweep. I get my "list~my dream, purpose, direction; I get the truth of how much He loves me and the truth of what He wants to do in me and through me. In that moment of getting my 'list', I am pumped; running on sheer excitement and adrenaline. Regardless of how big the 'list' is, I have all the confidence in the world that He will carry it out. Then I hear the buzzer and I am off and running! I am scrambling around throwing things in my buggy that I may or may not need, just in case it would somehow be worth something at the end of the game. But then the adrenaline fades and I am left with the magnitude of what God has put in my heart; I am left with the reality of the effort that will be required, the commitment and the challenge, and the hard choices that are up ahead. I look in my buggy only to find a modge-podge of things that I will have to sort through to find what I really need.

If we don't keep our time with God and keep returning to Him over and over again, His words will become more and more faint; harder to remember and believe. Our trust in Him will begin to falter and so will we. When we get tired, and we will, we turn back to what we already know. It may be our insecurities, the obvious challenges, or our limitations rather than the truth that empowers us. And I'm not talking about the power to do more, but the power that comes from trust. This is so important because without trust it is impossible to ease our grip on our most cherished things, whether they are good or bad. We may be white-knuckled with our hopes and dreams, our families, our fears, our pains, disappointments, and lack of understanding. Without trust, we will not let go of anything and all the while we will be mistaking our lack of trust and time with Him as His lack of presence and that is NEVER the case.

Like a snowball, our lack of trust will grow bigger and bigger. We will say things like, "I must not have heard Him right", "God's word doesn't work for me", "God doesn't care", "I must not be worth it to Him". Then we try to cover up those feelings and thoughts with things such as, "There must be an easier way", "I need to try harder or do more", "I need to be better and do better". You couple all of these things together, and it no longer looks anything like what God gave us; it looks like the impossible. It looks like the wrong thing. So what do we have to do? Start fresh again. Go back to God-spend time with Him. Slow down~listen, read His Word, talk with Him. He will take us back to the beginning. And what is so amazing about God, is that we will never really loose any ground by going back to the beginning. He takes all that we go through and grab along the way and He will add it to our faith~it will strengthen us and makes us more grounded in our faith and trust in His amazing love.

God, your love is nothing short of amazing. In just a short amount of time, you can go right to the heart, bringing clarity to things that we couldn't even explain or understand. Thank you God for ALWAYS being there, so quick to listen and speak. Forgive us for the times that we don't spend time with You and then wonder why You are not speaking to us. I love you Lord with all my heart and soul. I will spend more time with You because it is there that I will find the trust, hope, confidence, and peace that I need. In Jesus' name.

Once again, I have taken something God has asked of me, took off with enthusiasm, and then I started to actually think about it! That is the point where I begin to shy away from things that are in my heart to do. Instead of seeing through the eyes of faith, I begin to see in the natural and that can be intimidating, challenging, and unclear. Like the blogs for instance...I LOVE to write. I have kept journals for as long as I can remember. I write to vent, to organize my thoughts, to remember things that are special to me just to name a few reasons, but most importantly, I write to pray-like letters to God. The first blog was just that-an outpouring of what God spoke to my heart that same exact morning to do: write from my heart and share it with others. Of course I had reservations, but they were nothing in comparison to the excitement and gratitude I felt to actually write them. The second blog was very much the same; it came fairly easy to write, but I started struggling with publishing the blogs. Although I was still writing in my journals nearly everyday, still hearing from God in very personal ways, changing and growing, I couldn't seem to get my thoughts or words together in a blog for others to read. I got very frustrated because I wanted to do this so much; it's like I finally tapped into my passion, but I began to ask the why, how, and what's the purpose questions. Then I got it...I was reverting back to some of my most cherished insecurities!! lol It's not that the blogs weren't from my heart, but I was trying to 'clean them up' either to make myself seem less crazy :) or to make it fit a mold for whoever may read them. Honestly, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to explain my faith and what God was speaking to my heart. What if someone read the blog and tried to say that it didn't conform to their issues and their life? What if someone challenged my faith with things I couldn't explain? But that is faith-the evidence of things unseen. I will not always have an answer or defense to my faith other than the life I live and the passions I pursue, regardless of how big or small they are in the eyes of anyone else. It goes back to the beginning of this journey, to overcome things that hold me back. To always go back to the purpose of God's plan and not the plan itself. To walk by faith and not by sight. To not underestimate my faith by fearing what I can't explain. To be passionate about something I don't always have the answers for. So I am back in the saddle again, writing from my heart....the good, the bad, and the ugly.

God you know my heart, but I have to know Yours to move forward in my faith. I pray that I would grow in my faith with a courage to move past my reservations, the perseverance to continue when the new wears off, and the integrity to stay faithful to what You ask of me. In Jesus's name I pray. And by the way, thank You for all of the second chances! I love you!

As you know, God has been leading my heart back to child-like faith and I am so excited. Yesterday, I went out to walk a little around the block. It was a perfect fall day; the breeze was cool and blowing, leaves were on the ground. It was just nice! As I was walking I realized that I had noticed it all! I realized I was experiencing the essence of my faith.....peace, hope, anticipation, and gratitude.

I wrote in my last blog how I have allowed life to take my child-like faith and turn it into more of a job than a relationship. But child-like faith brings us back to that relationship with God that opens our hearts and our minds to Him. With child-like faith, I expect Him again in the everyday. I find I am excited about something, but I am not sure what it is! I feel gratitude for not only my life, but for having God right in the middle of it. But one thing that means so much to me about having this kind of faith, is that I not only love God more truly and openly, but I receive His love so much easier! Without child-like faith, I have so many things crowding my heart and mind. Like I mentioned in my previous blog, I become defensive, doubtful, and sometimes just downright cynical! But as I was walking yesterday, I felt His love for me. I was free to feel good about myself even in an old pair of sweatpants, an over sized shirt, no make-up, and a frizzy pony-tail!! As I was talking to God, my prayers changed. I was more bold in my expectations. I found I wasn't hesitating to ask for things that He says we can have in His Word. I felt I could ask and then rest in knowing that He is God and I am not.

During this talk with God, I thought of so many people who are going through very real pain. I was honest with God and asked Him how we fit those situations in our lives that change us so drastically into child-like faith. I thought of those I know that deal with death of loved ones, tragedy with their children, and other pains and losses that are so devastating. I told God that I just don't see how having child-like faith through that could really be possible. I honestly wondered if this child-like faith was for everyone in everything. Then I truly believe with everything in me that God said YES! But here is what I believe: In the middle of these devastating circumstances, a person cannot get there on their own. During this conversation, God said HE will renew a steadfast spirit in the hearts of these people. I looked up steadfast in Webster's dictionary and this is what it means: not changing or moving; firm in purpose; true. This steadfast spirit comes with a high cost and I can truly see how difficult and painful it would be to get there. However, God is ready to give all that He said He would. Peace that passes all understanding. Healing broken hearts. Binding up wounds. And again, renewing a steadfast spirit within you.

For those going through life not thinking you can return to faith, I believe God is right there with you and waiting. He is not judging you. Instead, He is crying with you and over you. I believe that God is giving us permission to be honest with Him about everything. Honesty about where we are is not a lack of faith, but a cry for more of it.

From a journal I wrote back in September....

It has been a while since I have last posted a blog. I think it is because God has been giving me many small pieces to a bigger picture that I am trying to piece together. Honestly, it feels like as soon as I start to get an understanding of something that He has spoken to my heart, He shares another little piece of Truth that adds to it. So basically, what I am writing today is about all of the fragments of things that I am trying to piece together. And, if the truth be told, I think much of my hesitation with all of this is me trying to accept the fact that Truth is not always fun, exciting, or easy. To get where I want, I have to break old habits that die hard and break loose from some strongholds that are just that-strong. I have spent much of my time asking God how am I supposed to do what you are asking me to do? What is the formula? What is the answer? And it always comes back to this: The answer is in the Word that I have read and the choice is me simply doing it. I have to say, this is not what I want to hear or do and I think I am spending more time trying to figure out another way than anything else! Let me explain a few things that are in my heart...

For several days, I have felt that God is trying to bring me back to child-like faith. This kind of faith is not silly, naive, or merely wishful thinking. This child-like faith is about trust and taking God at His Word, which I have let life take right from me. I can sincerely remember having this kind of faith....I looked for God and saw Him in the most simple of things that brought me joy. It was mostly in nature, but it was also in ordinary things such as getting great smelling lotion at Bath and Body Works, decorating my house for holidays, drinking a good cup of coffee in the morning, and nearly any day in the fall, which is my absolute favorite time of year. I also hoped for God when I couldn't see Him as clearly. But I have noticed that I have fallen further away from this type of relationship with God as I have 'grown-up'. One particular day stands out in my mind as I look back on when I allowed life to change me. I was driving back home from the store and there was an amazing sunset. I said out loud, "Thank you God for painting that just for me!". Right after I said it, I cried because I felt so silly. I remember thinking that was something a kid would think and not an adult. I know that God is the Creator of all things, including sunsets, but for some reason the thought that He 'painted it just for me' all of the sudden sounded foolish.

That was not the day that I turned from my child-like faith. No, there was much more that led up to it than feeling silly over a sunset. We all have been given hard-blows in life and it is pointless to compare our own heartbreaks to anyone else's to see if our hurts are really justifiable as 'hard times'. What matters is that we all have moments in our lives that change us-sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worst. As I look back, I can see where certain situations and circumstances caused me to doubt my faith. The painful experiences literally drowned out the Truth in my heart and I began to listen to the more 'obvious', tangible thing....what I saw and heard instead of what God had put in my heart. As life threw some blows, I began to listen to what life was telling me....my faith was too simple, I was too naive, to idealistic. My dreams, hopes, and plans seemed too much for this life to actually produce.

Where I am at now is on my way to not looking so much at life, but at God. I think many times our faith could seem too simplistic and naive in comparison to how complicated and painful life is, but there is nothing naive about believing in the God of the Bible. Never has He promised us an easy, pain free life. Actually, He has been very up front about that, telling us that in this life we would have trials and pains. (John 16:33, James 1:2) He knew we would shed tears and a got a bottle just for collecting them. He knew life as we know it would look completely different at times than the life He speaks of so He told us to not look at the seen, but the unseen because what is seen is temporary and what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:17-18) When we are faced with real, painful, confusing situations, people, or circumstances, our faith can seem more like wishful thinking than the real answer. I think it is because God's Truth is so plain and practical, that it almost seems silly. I mean, praying for your enemies and blessing them surely cannot mean praying for them and blessing them! What I mean is that prayer, faith, trust, reading the Word and believing it can feel like we are not doing enough and sometimes it feels like we aren't doing anything at all. To the world and even our own flesh, our faith can look like we are merely waiting on life to happen to us, but that is not the case. Listen to what Isaiah 55:10-11 says about the Word:

As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

There is nothing unproductive or naive about that!!

I miss my child-like faith and I sincerely look forward to being back there...I was so much more at peace then. Trust me, my child-like faith didn't make me see everything through rose colored glasses. And one major thing I am realizing is that it was not my child-like faith that caused me hurt. Trusting in God and His Word will never leave us broken. It will break our flesh and things in our lives that do not need to be there, but it will not leave us devastated. Life is what can leave us disappointed, not the believing in something better. I have had that backwards for some time now. After getting a few hard blows, I thought that I needed to add more to my faith because apparently, my faith alone was not guarding my heart. I found myself guarding my heart in so many ways. A few examples are isolating myself, trying to always figure things out, wanting a logical answer for nearly everything, not being as positive and hopeful, but more cautious and 'realistic' (my word for cynical). I have looked for protection from life in many things; people, acceptance, having the right clothes or the right look. The only thing these things have done for me is make me crazy-I have become a cracked pot!!

When you are a cracked pot, regardless of what you try to fill yourself up with, it will not last. It will run right out of the cracks and there is nothing you can do about it. Filling up a cracked pot is not satisfying in any way. Actually, it only feeds the fear, doubt, hurt, and insecurities that we are trying to avoid, cover up, and prevent. That's because as we are leaking, we are wondering how in the world we are going to get more of what we just lost. So why in the world do we turn to things other than God and His Word? For me, it was because I allowed life and circumstances to tell me that my faith was not guarding my heart. I needed something more tangible and real. I bought the lie that my faith was little more than wishful thinking otherwise, I would not be hurting and I would never doubt or be confused.

As I have read the Word, I am finding child-like faith to be something totally different. Trust me, at this point in my life child-like faith seems so far against my nature! I have cried before, during, and I am sure after, I write this. It has stirred up many things inside of me, but mostly how much I have missed my relationship with God. It has reminded me of how child-like faith not only gives me the freedom to express my love to God, but to also receive and believe His love for me. It has given me that homesick feeling for the relationship that child-like faith gave me....one of acceptance, hope, excitement, safety, and a deep down joy and connection with God! So I have started looking forward to the sunsets again and I KNOW that He really did paint them just for me!


Lord, you know my heart as I write this. I have missed you! I have missed the connection and love that I have lost because I wanted to guard my heart from many things. But Lord, you are bringing me back to you and I am so excited and so grateful. I love you Lord! In Jesus' name.

Ouch....I need a band-aide and a big one! In the beginning, I really believed that my journey was simply an issue with my faith...you know, something 'more spritual' than bringing my flesh under control! Don't get me wrong, spiritual strongholds have certainly been exposed and many defeated! But I think I was looking for more of a spiritual revelation that would somehow lift me out of my flesh and bring me to the place where I could see God better and not so much the discipline required to overcome the flesh!

Revelations do change things; after we have them, we can't help but see things differently. However, I am learning that it is the choices we have to make after the revelations that will bring change. It's choosing our spirits over our flesh that is so painful, but it is the very thing that will take us forward. Dying to my flesh has literally brought me to tears at times; part from the Truth that has been spoken to me, but more so from the frustration of actually having to do it!

Life doesn't seem that 'spiritual', but it is. Everyday, in everything we do, we are spiritual beings in a fleshly body. Although I have certainly tried in some areas of my life, I cannot separate the spiritual from the everyday, no matter how mundane the everyday seems. Just this week, I was faced with a very normal everyday experience. However, it is an experience that ruffles my feathers nearly every time I encounter it. As I am learning, I took it to God in prayer!! Let me just say that I was very angry and hurt and without looking up either of these words in the concordance of my Bible, this is where I was led: James 1:19-22. Let me share with you what it says so that maybe you can get a chuckle out of it with me!!

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.

At the time, I was ticked off and being slow to speak and slow to become angry, and all the other right things I knew to do, did not seem like the best solution! I was tired of doing the 'right thing' because to be completely honest here, sometimes that just feels like people get off the hook too easily. (By the way, that is one embarrassing confession!). But I pressed on, even confessing this to God! Just remember, He wants us to break before Him, so He can heal us and free us from these very things that trip us up over and over again! Through my time with God, I truly believe that He said some of my prayers and requests simply could not be answered. He cannot and will not feed my flesh and that is where much of my requests were coming from. I can't get frustrated with God or my faith and say it isn't working, or His word is not coming to pass in my life when I am wanting my flesh to feel better instead of my spirit to grow. As painful and practical as it is, I just have to humbly accept God's word. I must become submissive to it. Eventually my spirit will win because He is greater than anything in this world and my flesh is weak. My flesh can't hold up under pressure for long!

However, God's love doesn't end with an "I told you so". As I read on in James, chapter 1 verse 5 says, "But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it-he will be blessed". I have read this several times, and each time I do I seem to notice something else in it's words. This is so encouraging and truly brings my heart closer to the love and obedience that God is wanting....the kind that chooses Him simply because of who He is in our lives and His heart for us. He doesn't ask anything of us that is not for our good. When he tells us to be slow to speak and slow to anger, or anything else for that matter, it is not so we can look the part of the nice Christian. It is to give us freedom!! Freedom from what? For me, it is freedom from my flesh and being led by my emotions, from being easily offended, from worrying about what others think and say, and other things that seem to trip me up unnecessarily over and over again. But read the verse again...the freedom and blessing do not come by knowing the right thing to do. They come by continually looking in the word for Truth and then doing it! No joke, this is difficult and painful at times! But what good is there in feeding our flesh? It is simply asking for more of the same thing. Our faith becomes real, God becomes more visible, and His Word becomes Truth to us as we do what it says, regardless of how sure we are that it is not the better way for our given situation or how we would be justified otherwise! LOL

God I pray that we will humbly accept the word that you put into our hands, our hearts, and our lives. It will save us from ourselves and bring us freedom and blessing as we do it. Lord forgive us for the times that we have chosen something other than your Word and then questioned Your presence in our lives or the validity of what You say. God, Your heart towards us is nothing but love. I pray for strength, humility, courage, and the perseverance that it will take to overcome my flesh and allow my spirit to grow. Perseverance must finish its work so that we may be mature and COMPLETE, not lacking anything. (James 1:4) As I see your heart for me in Your Word, I feel my spirit growing stronger. I want You more than any fleeting satisfaction that can come from doing what my flesh wants. God, thank you for this love! In Jesus' name.

As you can tell from my last two blogs, I have had some serious work done!! But this process has actually revived me and my faith and it is only the beginning! I truly feel so grateful for these couple of weeks and what God is doing in my heart and life. Just as I was reading Psalm 103 this morning, I related to these words of truth in a new and personal way.

The chapter begins with telling us to praise God with all that is within us and to bless His name. It instructs us not to forget what all He has done in our lives and what He wants to do, such as forgive all our sins, heal all our diseases, redeem our lives from the pit, crown us with love and compassion, and satisfy our desires with good things. But this morning I read verse 5 in a new light. Why does He want to do these things for us? So our youth is renewed like the eagle's!
(v. 5) I love this! This is exactly what I have experienced over the last couple of days; a renewal in my mind and in my heart. I have felt a fresh faith and a fresh hope. I have been so blessed to feel His presence and see Him in the everyday routines. I have felt His love.

When we are forgiven, healed, redeemed, shown love and compassion, and have our desires met with good things, we are no longer under the weight of our mess and our bondage. So what keeps us from turning to God for these things? For me, I think I simply owned everything I thought and felt has my own problem. Either I needed to quit thinking certain things or I needed to just have more faith or whatever other solution that I could come up with. Anything but going to God with ALL of me~ especially the things I couldn't make sense of or the things that I knew weren't right, but I couldn't figure them out. But as I read Psalms, I gained a new understanding of His heart towards me; towards all of His children.

"The Lord works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed...He is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love...He does not treat us our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him...As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust." ~Psalm 103:6, 8, 10-11, 13-14

I hope so bad that you can hear His heart and see His intentions towards us. Regardless of why or how we are oppressed, He has compassion on us and wants to redeem us. So many times we are afraid to turn to God because we feel like whatever we are going through is our fault or our problem. We treat our sins as if we can make them go away by simply doing more or doing better. Therefore, we feel like we deserve whatever mess or bondage that we are in and we stay there. Make no mistake, we will reap what we sow. But even during the reaping, God is with us to encourage us, build us up, and give us strength to go through it and move on.

I can promise you that as God has searched me and exposed sin in my heart, I have felt shocked, humbled, and drained. I have felt sad and broken that I could have such ugly things in my heart, but I have yet to feel condemned, ashamed, or unworthy. It was actually the 'ugly' stuff that was making me feel those things-not God. God doesn't want us to break before Him and then leave us to pick up the pieces. He doesn't want us to feel burdened and guilty and tired from the sin in our lives. He doesn't even point a finger at us and blame us. I just have to tell you how amazed I am at His heart for us! God doesn't discipline us and correct us and then leave us to feel bad about it; He doesn't expect us to even fix the problem all alone. Instead, He corrects us so that we can be renewed and refreshed. Read Psalm 103 for yourself. No where will you find a harsh distant God that wants to 'crack the whip' and make you feel condemned for what is in your heart. He only wants to lead you to repentance and He will love you the entire way!

I am at the very beginnings of my journey. It's not like God has revealed areas of my heart that needed repentance and healing and I am now 'fixed'. No, the areas that have been exposed will take commitment from me on a daily basis. My victory will require me choosing life over and over again, on a daily basis, in my daily life. But what I am so amazed by is the fact that God is showing His love to me as if I have already arrived!! That is what I want to share with you to encourage you to trust God enough to be completely honest. Even though He has shown me tough love, He has blessed me with such an awareness of His love and presence in my life. I believe He has done this so I would not grow weary and quit. Feeling His presence the way I have for the last few days has been such an encouragement to me. It has motivated me to keep going forward and not giving into my old ways of thinking and doing. Instead, I want more of this! I want this love to be more and more common in my life instead of always searching for it through the mess. His love excites me and gives me the strength to press through.

I wish so badly that I could always 'feel' His presence the way that I do now, but I know that we go through different seasons in our walk with God. He says that He will never leave us or forsake us and He means that for ALL times, but it is just like God to let us feel Him in such tangible ways as we go through times of correction! Don't stay where you are because you feel like you made the mess, so you have to fix it. God loves you passionately and desperately. His heart for you is good. Allow Him the chance to love on you~ ALL of you~and not just the parts that seem good enough. He loves us through the process of healing and repentance; not just after.

God, I am so amazed at Your love and this is only the beginning! I thank you that don't treat us as our sins deserve, but You truly love us and desire to see us free. I know that this may only be a season, the way I feel You now, but I know the effects of it will be with me for a lifetime. I love you God and thank You so much that you always want us to be free, regardless of the situation. I pray God that we will no longer buy into the lies that keep us from you; lies that keep us in bondage and keep us from turning to our only true hope for change: YOU! I love you more than I can say! In Jesus' name.

The Truth that sets us free...

"I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know the love that surpasses knowledge -that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." ~Ephesians 3:17-19

This is the desire of my heart and the purpose of my journey. This all started when I asked God to search me and know me, to lead me and guide me to the place where He dwells, and to give me truth in my innermost being. I knew this would require me to get real, but wow-truth lately has come in the form of horse pills, which are very hard to swallow! Even in contemplating whether or not to even write this blog, I had to remember that this is not about me and my old ways of thinking and doing and it has absolutely nothing to do with what others will think, if they will judge me, or if they will understand. No, this is about God's glory in my life; this is about Him finally being able to do something with me!LOL

With knowing God's love, comes a peace that I have only read about; a peace that I need so desperately in my life. For those who know me best, they may describe me as a worry-wart. I tend to worry about nearly everything. However, I have done this for so long that I don't even consider it worrying. Actually, I can be very defensive about people telling me that I am worrying when I feel like I'm just thinking! But the truth is that I do worry regardless of what other name I try to give it. Like Winnie-the-Pooh, I think, think, think. I think about what could happen, what should happen, and what if nothing happens at all?! I think about what people may think or say, if they understood what I was trying to say, and what are they 'really' saying?! Even in decisions that I believe with everything in me that God has called me to make, I can still make myself crazy insane wondering how it will work, why He asked it of me, and why other people don't understand. So you can see now why this blog is such a huge leap of faith for me, but one that I am very grateful for and excited about because Truth is setting me free!

I found the remedy for my worry in Philippians 4:6-7: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus". I have known this scripture for a long time now, but it never seemed 'to work' for me. It sounded nice on paper and was a great scripture to quote to someone else who was worrying, but as a worrier myself, it was merely knowledge of what I needed to do and what should happen: pray and get peace. What I am learning in this process is that if God's principle's are not 'working' in my life, there is usually a reason. In this particular situation, this prayer in exchange for peace never came to fruition in my life because I was only truly releasing those things that I didn't have a tight grip on in the first place! It's easy to pray and give God those things that haven't become strongholds in our lives; those things that could really come or go in our lives or those things that we feel we have some sort of control over in the end. But the things that cause me the most problems are the things that I grip so tightly that they have virtually become a part of who I am. Like my worry; I have done it for so long that I don't consider it worry anymore. I can easily accept it as 'that's just how I am'. That may be how I am now, but that is not how I am meant to be.

When God first started sharing this with me, I only skimmed the surface. I was thinking, "Okay, instead of tossing my thoughts around in my head, I need to actually turn my thoughts into verbal prayers". Don't get me wrong, this was the beginning. I had to make the conscious effort to actually talk to God rather than simply thinking about things; even thinking about how I needed to pray about something! So the first few days of this 'revelation', I was praying out loud about things that I would normally just chalk up as thinking. I honestly felt a difference in my soul and in my mind. In sharing my 'thoughts ' with God through conversations with Him, I no longer felt alone. I truly felt a connection with Him, but honestly, I still felt like there was still something missing. It was just yesterday when I realized there was so much more to what God was telling me...

For the first few days of turning my thoughts into prayers, I was on a roll! I remember thinking, "Man, all I have to do here is remember to give my thoughts to God instead of always letting my mind ponder on things and analyze things for days. This is basically breaking a habit." It was easy to follow God's instructions until my button was pushed and then His words flew right out the window before I even knew what happened! We all have that 'thing' that can set us off and stir up things inside of us that we wish we never knew about: anger, fear, doubt, insecurities and all of those things that we try to hide or ignore. Well, when my button was pushed I can tell you right now, the last thing I wanted to do was pray. I wanted to call up somebody and let them know what just happened to me. Then after I did that I wanted to brew over the situation; you know, think of what I wanted to say and what they 'needed' to hear, think about why I was right and they were wrong, think about what they were probably thinking about, and the list went on. At that moment, God's Truth broke forth and removed a HUGE obstacle for me...I only want to pray about things that are already easy for me to do; those things that don't require "that much grace"; things that aren't thorns in my flesh. It is those things I find easy to leave at the feet of Jesus and get my peace. But how difficult it is to pray about things that require the utmost grace over and over again. And I don't mean just talking to God; I mean truly releasing things to God. This is why I didn't always get my peace; I wasn't really exchanging my worries, insecurities, doubts, fears, and my 'hot button' issues for anything. At best, I was simply thinking out loud and then saying 'amen'!

After I got over the initial shock of this revelation, I realized one of the reasons I find it hard to consistently do the right thing is that people don't always respond the way they should! It is very aggravating when we do the right thing and the people around us don't even seem to notice, much less try to do the right thing themselves. That very thought brought me to tears because I actually heard the heart of God: He is trying to take me to the place where my obedience flows out of love for Him and nothing else. He doesn't want me to obey with the hidden agenda that I will be right, esteemed, valued, or anything else that my flesh would crave. I have always viewed the scripture that says all things will work out for my good through this selfish and insecure perception. I believed, without even realizing it, that 'the good' would be situations turning in my favor. But now I see that 'the good' is my heart being changed; my spirit growing and my flesh dying. The good is Truth breaking forth and overcoming the lies and motives that have kept me bound for so long. The good is my faith growing closer and closer to God. No wonder He tells us to not grow weary in well doing, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up (Galations 6:9); it may take us several times of doing the right thing before we are finally willing and able to release our death grip on things that have secretly drained us for who knows how long. I am fully aware that this Truth will require commitment and work from me. God's word is not a quick fix for anything. It is so much more than that; it is the real answer for our situations, but it does require all that we have and not just once or twice! Like Paul tells us in Philippians 4:9, "Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me or seen in me-put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." My peace will come as I actually commit and do what God has spoken to my heart, regardless of how many times or how long it takes or how others respond. My peace will come through the actual exchange and not mere conversation. I have to ask myself right now, how bad do I want to be free? I know the answer to that: I am committed!

God, it really is your Truth that sets us free and not some formula or hoops that we try to jump through. It is a broken heart and spirit that you long for; a heart that is open and honest regardless of how painful the process may be. As we bring our broken hearts to you in humility and desperation to find Truth, you will heal our broken hearts and bind up our wounds. Thank you God for desiring us to have Your truth. Thank you for being the Light that makes the darkness flee. Thank you for letting your light and truth break forth and lead us to the place where you dwell. I love you Lord and I am so grateful for your mercy, grace, love, and patience. In Jesus' name.

Bloomers flapping in the wind....

As I considered writing these blogs, I was intimidated by the idea of putting by 'issues' out there for all to read. Sitting outside in my favorite chair, I took this fear to God. I asked Him how in the world my own hang-ups could possibly be of benefit to others? I mean here I am wanting to share my faith, yet, I stuggle with it. What kind of disciple is that? And then the answer came....God spoke to my heart and said, "The normal kind!". And how true is that?! As we read the Bible for help, hope, encouragement, direction, and so much more, we get to read about the issues and hang-ups of those who came before us. Right there for all to read, we see the doubt, fear, lack of faith, bad decisions, ignorance, rebellion and so much more of those that truly loved God. But what we also see from these same lives, is nothing short of amazing. We also see growth, change, God's love, mercy, forgiveness, miracles, His bigger plan, and His heart for His children. That hope is what really gave me the freedom to do this. So, here is my story. Chapter one, page one...

I am on a journey. It is one that I have started out on more times than I can count, but never make it completely around the block!! I always return home the same, except I may have collected a few souvenirs along the way. You know, those bits of knowledge or experiences that remind us of where we went, but they can never fully take us back. Like when you go on vacation and you buy that little something to remind you of all of the fun and memories that you had. When you get home and look at it, your mind is joggled and you almost miss being there. But that little souvenir is simply that: a reminder. The only way to actually be present in that moment again is to physically pick yourself up and go. And that is what my journey is about-taking my faith and personal relationship with Jesus Christ beyond memories and reminders and into a full, present relationship. Do I have a satisfying relationship with Christ? Yes! I love Him with all of my heart and I long for Him in ways that is hard to explain. It's such a deep longing that it almost feels frustrating at times that I am where I am in my faith instead of where I want to be! But to be completely honest, I have ALOT of soveniers. I have many things in my life that remind me of how big and awesome God is, experiences that have given me glimpses of where I would love for my faith to go, and people in my life that challenge my faith to grow. But like the beginning of a TV show, my theme song seems to haunt me; mine being that ole' campfire song "She'll Be Coming Around the Mountain When She Comes"! But thank God I am breaking free from that!! This is the heart of my journey: to finally be free of those old ways of thinking, speaking, and believing that keep me from fully embracing Jesus Christ. To write this as a Christian is very intimidating, but also cleansing at the same time. You've heard the expression: "Don't air your dirty laundry". Well, here are my bloomers flapping in the wind!!

The very first and difficult step of this journey is one that takes commitment, humility, honesty, and for those 'weepers' like myself-alot of tears! It's getting to the truth of what we really believe. I'm not talking about the right answers, but the truth. This hit me as I was doing yet another Bible study! I thought, "I don't want to read one more book or hear one more lesson and still have the same issues." I then realized I was always searching outside of myself for something to fix my issues; either that book, lesson, or another person telling me what to try next. But that was all simply adding to my knowledge and not my faith. Talk about a stumbling block! So as the Bible study required me to rate my faith on a scale of 0-10 in regards to some questions, I actually found myself writing the numbers 9 and 10! LOL It was then that I knew there was a problem. If I was writing 9's and 10's, then why in the world was I struggling with certain issues on a daily basis, with some issues being with me for as long as I could remember? My day to day life surely didn't feel like a 9 or 10, and on some days more like a 3 or 4! So I was reminded of Psalms 139:23-24: Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 51:6 also gave me hope: Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place. I broke out the box of kleenex's and there my journey began: to not answer with what I know, but to answer with what I truly believe (or didn't believe). Sounds good and easy on paper, but try it! Not as clear as you would think because our minds are very, very powerful things. But I prayed two prayers; one of the father who wanted his son delivered and asked Jesus to help him overcome his unbelief (Mark 9:21-24) and the second being Psalms 43:3, that God would send His light and truth to guide me to the place where He dwelled.

What I discovered that day was humbling and very painful; it hurt me to realize that I would mistrust God in any way, especially when He had never given me any reason to. But this is my truth and one that I am well on my way to overcoming: it's not Jesus Christ or His Word that I doubt, but it's His amazing love for me that I have a hard time comprehending and therefore, fully embracing. I am still getting to the heart of it all, but for some reason there's something inside of me or my mind that can't wrap myself around such a love without attaching doubt or fear. Looking back, I have been this way for as long as I can remember. Like I said earlier, I have knowledge and experiences that remind me of where I can be and want to be, but that's what this area of my faith has been: a thought and desire instead of a reality. But I know one thing for sure-I have double knotted my shoes and I am NOT returning home the same! I hear the tune in my head changing to, "Greater things are still to come, greater things are still to be done in this city"!


God, I love you so desperately. I am so grateful that your heart and desire for me and your children is to live in freedom and truth, regardless of how we got bound in the first place. I pray that today truth, YOUR TRUTH, would make it's way to the core of who we are and what we believe. Thank You for this journey! I know in my heart that You are more excited about it than even we are!! In Jesus' name.