Bloomers flapping in the wind....

As I considered writing these blogs, I was intimidated by the idea of putting by 'issues' out there for all to read. Sitting outside in my favorite chair, I took this fear to God. I asked Him how in the world my own hang-ups could possibly be of benefit to others? I mean here I am wanting to share my faith, yet, I stuggle with it. What kind of disciple is that? And then the answer came....God spoke to my heart and said, "The normal kind!". And how true is that?! As we read the Bible for help, hope, encouragement, direction, and so much more, we get to read about the issues and hang-ups of those who came before us. Right there for all to read, we see the doubt, fear, lack of faith, bad decisions, ignorance, rebellion and so much more of those that truly loved God. But what we also see from these same lives, is nothing short of amazing. We also see growth, change, God's love, mercy, forgiveness, miracles, His bigger plan, and His heart for His children. That hope is what really gave me the freedom to do this. So, here is my story. Chapter one, page one...

I am on a journey. It is one that I have started out on more times than I can count, but never make it completely around the block!! I always return home the same, except I may have collected a few souvenirs along the way. You know, those bits of knowledge or experiences that remind us of where we went, but they can never fully take us back. Like when you go on vacation and you buy that little something to remind you of all of the fun and memories that you had. When you get home and look at it, your mind is joggled and you almost miss being there. But that little souvenir is simply that: a reminder. The only way to actually be present in that moment again is to physically pick yourself up and go. And that is what my journey is about-taking my faith and personal relationship with Jesus Christ beyond memories and reminders and into a full, present relationship. Do I have a satisfying relationship with Christ? Yes! I love Him with all of my heart and I long for Him in ways that is hard to explain. It's such a deep longing that it almost feels frustrating at times that I am where I am in my faith instead of where I want to be! But to be completely honest, I have ALOT of soveniers. I have many things in my life that remind me of how big and awesome God is, experiences that have given me glimpses of where I would love for my faith to go, and people in my life that challenge my faith to grow. But like the beginning of a TV show, my theme song seems to haunt me; mine being that ole' campfire song "She'll Be Coming Around the Mountain When She Comes"! But thank God I am breaking free from that!! This is the heart of my journey: to finally be free of those old ways of thinking, speaking, and believing that keep me from fully embracing Jesus Christ. To write this as a Christian is very intimidating, but also cleansing at the same time. You've heard the expression: "Don't air your dirty laundry". Well, here are my bloomers flapping in the wind!!

The very first and difficult step of this journey is one that takes commitment, humility, honesty, and for those 'weepers' like myself-alot of tears! It's getting to the truth of what we really believe. I'm not talking about the right answers, but the truth. This hit me as I was doing yet another Bible study! I thought, "I don't want to read one more book or hear one more lesson and still have the same issues." I then realized I was always searching outside of myself for something to fix my issues; either that book, lesson, or another person telling me what to try next. But that was all simply adding to my knowledge and not my faith. Talk about a stumbling block! So as the Bible study required me to rate my faith on a scale of 0-10 in regards to some questions, I actually found myself writing the numbers 9 and 10! LOL It was then that I knew there was a problem. If I was writing 9's and 10's, then why in the world was I struggling with certain issues on a daily basis, with some issues being with me for as long as I could remember? My day to day life surely didn't feel like a 9 or 10, and on some days more like a 3 or 4! So I was reminded of Psalms 139:23-24: Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 51:6 also gave me hope: Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place. I broke out the box of kleenex's and there my journey began: to not answer with what I know, but to answer with what I truly believe (or didn't believe). Sounds good and easy on paper, but try it! Not as clear as you would think because our minds are very, very powerful things. But I prayed two prayers; one of the father who wanted his son delivered and asked Jesus to help him overcome his unbelief (Mark 9:21-24) and the second being Psalms 43:3, that God would send His light and truth to guide me to the place where He dwelled.

What I discovered that day was humbling and very painful; it hurt me to realize that I would mistrust God in any way, especially when He had never given me any reason to. But this is my truth and one that I am well on my way to overcoming: it's not Jesus Christ or His Word that I doubt, but it's His amazing love for me that I have a hard time comprehending and therefore, fully embracing. I am still getting to the heart of it all, but for some reason there's something inside of me or my mind that can't wrap myself around such a love without attaching doubt or fear. Looking back, I have been this way for as long as I can remember. Like I said earlier, I have knowledge and experiences that remind me of where I can be and want to be, but that's what this area of my faith has been: a thought and desire instead of a reality. But I know one thing for sure-I have double knotted my shoes and I am NOT returning home the same! I hear the tune in my head changing to, "Greater things are still to come, greater things are still to be done in this city"!


God, I love you so desperately. I am so grateful that your heart and desire for me and your children is to live in freedom and truth, regardless of how we got bound in the first place. I pray that today truth, YOUR TRUTH, would make it's way to the core of who we are and what we believe. Thank You for this journey! I know in my heart that You are more excited about it than even we are!! In Jesus' name.